In the latest installment of the Peace Talks VideoCast, Diana Mercer, Esq. gives an overview of divorce mediation, the sane and sensible alternative to an expensive, litigated divorce.

When people think about the cause of their divorce, they often cite the last event before the decision to divorce was made or the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. But in truth, millions of straws were likely already straining the relationship, and the collapse was just a matter of time.

One of the benefits of bringing a relationship to a close via mediation is the opportunity to confront those underlying straws in a safe, secure setting. While resolving these aforementioned issues is not necessarily within the purview of the mediation session, bringing them to the forefront in an open conversation may give the clients the piece of mind necessary to move forward in the process.

This mean the separating couple would be more inclined to create a working divorce settlement rather than a one built on a foundation of frustration and spite.

While divorce mediation is in no way a substitute for therapy, it does offer participants a chance to get shed some of the emotional baggage related to the divorce.

Often, a significant portion of the anger, hostility, and frustration during the divorce process stems from unresolved issues in the marriage. Sometimes the soon-to-be ex-spouse didn’t even know it was an issue.

Communicating about these underlying issues can be key component of divorce mediation. When participants come in for their sessions, they are given the opportunity to discuss any issues in a safe and structured environment. While the problem is unlikely to be resolved in the mediation, just the chance to air the grievances can offer piece of mind.

With everything off your chest, the parting couple has a much greater chance of moving forward and creating workable divorce and custody agreements.

Conflict before, during, and after a divorce is inevitable. While it’s often uncomfortable to meet conflict head-on it is a necessary evil if a workable agreement is to be reached.

Since nearly 95% of all divorce cases ultimately settle, there is little benefit to postponing or avoiding the confrontation.

The first step in dealing with conflict is to understand the other side’s interests. They may take a position like, “I want the children on Wednesday nights” or “I want the house.”

While requests like this may seem strange to you, they may have significant meaning to the other party. Until you understand why they want what they want, it will be difficult to resolve the conflicts ahead.

For example, perhaps the reason the parent wants the children on Wednesday nights is that he or she wants to be involved doing the children’s homework.

While Wednesday night may not be convenient for you or the children, but maybe there is another way the parent can continue to be involved in helping with homework.

And maybe the request for the house is really just a desire for a secure place to live, or to be able to stay in the same school system.

It isn’t as much about “Wednesday night” or “the house” as it is about other, underlying issues.

To find out the other side’s real interests, the best strategy is to ask questions.

For Example:

Help me understand why that is important to you.

What could I do to make my proposal acceptable to you?

If you could have what you’re asking, what would that accomplish for you?

Listen to their responses, and then ask more questions if necessary. Repeat what the person has said to make sure you understand. These answers are clues as to how to resolve your conflict.

Remember, You don’t have to agree with what they say, and you don’t have to give in to their demands. You’re not being “nice”, you’re being strategic.

This is just one of many steps in dealing with conflict in divorce. Mediated divorce sessions are an excellent way to deal with these conflicts in a safe, comfortable environment.

When you’re in a conflict, especially divorce-related one, it’s tempting to think that the other person is completely at fault, and that you are totally blameless.

However, no one is a complete angel all of the time.

Resolving conflict is not about assigning blame to the guilty party, but moving forward and learning a new way to deal with each other in the future.

Part of a separating couple’s ability to move on depends on their ability to recognize that it takes two to fight. When you understand your role in the conflict, you can start to avoid old behaviors that led you into the arguments of the past.

As a family law mediator, often the first agreement I help couple’s reach is that they need to try a new way of communicating and dealing with each other in the future.

But change is not easy, and doing things differently can sometimes feel risky. People are naturally resistant to change, but if we truly want to limit conflict in the future, it’s important to identify those behaviors that contributed to the conflicts of the past.