One of the benefits of marriage that many same-sex couples are looking forward to is divorce. Not that the desire to divorce among same-sex couple is any greater, but the rules of custody that apply are clearer and fairer to all parties.

A recent article published in the Washington Post this January discusses this complications without the structural benefits of marriage and divorce.

When her three-year-old marriage broke up, the 44-year-old doctor assumed she and her ex would split their property and jointly parent their two children. Her stay-at-home spouse wanted sole custody and the right to move the children out of Massachusetts.

In pretrial motions, both parents made the same argument to a judge: The children should be with me; I’m their mother.

For years, family court judges leaned toward a maternal preference when it came to custody disputes. But what to do when both parents are women, or neither is? Judges in Massachusetts have been grappling with that question since gay and lesbian couples began filing for divorce in 2004, seven months after the state Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage.

Nearly 10,000 gay and lesbian couples married after the ruling. Massachusetts does not keep records on the number who have divorced, but lawyers who specialize in family cases say it is in the dozens. Those who choose to end their marriages soon discover that the trauma of divorce is compounded by legal and financial difficulties that heterosexual couples generally are spared.

“One of the benefits of marriage is divorce,” said Joyce Kauffman, a Boston divorce lawyer who has handled a dozen same-sex divorce cases. “But for a lot of couples, that benefit is very complicated and very costly in ways that heterosexual couples would never have to experience.”

In the case of the doctor, she and her spouse each gave birth to a boy fathered by the same sperm donor. They then adopted one another’s sons. Biologically, their children are half-siblings; legally, they are full brothers.

“Up to now, I’ve been lucky with the court,” said the doctor, who spoke on the condition of anonymity so as not to prejudice her court case. “Giving birth to one of our children has given me leeway because judges often show a preference toward a biological mother. I’ve spoken to other lesbian women who were in a similar situation, except that they were not the biological mothers of their children, and, in my opinion, they were not treated as fairly by the court.”

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This is just one of the many drawbacks of using the court system to make decisions about your divorce and custody. A judge is typically unwilling and unable to expand or extend the scope of the standard legal framework even if it is the most just solution.

However, mediation allows same-sex couples to develop fairer, more practical divorce and custody agreements. In same-sex mediations, as in all mediations, the couple participates in an open, honest dialogue about their expectations for the custody and property, while a mediator guides them through the process. Same-sex mediation differs from traditional divorce mediation in that the mediator will help the couple focus on issues that are unique to the legal complexities of same-sex relationships, including developing a parenting plan that accommodates both the biological and and non-biological parent.

If this is your first year testing out custody agreement after your divorce , the 4th of July is a great opportunity for self-evaluation. A major holiday like this can let you know how well you are adjusting to the new dynamic and if the agreement is working for you.

Here are four things to consider as you review your 4th of July:

1) Were the only fireworks your child saw in the sky?

The Fourth is great for watching fireworks light the night sky with friends and family. However, emotional fireworks are a different story. Consider if you were able to keep your emotions in check when you dropped off/picked up your child from your former spouse. Keeping cool in this situation will help your child as he/she adjusts to the new situation.

2) Did you assert your independence?

If you are the parent without the child during this holiday, it can be hard to think about anything else or enjoy yourself. But if you are able to find even a little peace or enjoyment during the day, then the transitions will become easier with time.

3) Who did the grilling?

Grilling steak, burgers, and veggies — Good! Grilling your child for details about your ex-spouses life –Bad. Consider how many time you asked you child what his mother or father has been doing in their personal life. Remember, your child is not a witness or a spy and putting then in that position will just make the transition more difficult in the long run.

4) Did you take liberties with your agreement?

The 4th of July is about liberty for the country not taking unilateral liberties with your agreement. Consider if you stuck to the plan as created or if you manipulated some of the details to get what you wanted. It is fine to swap days and suggest certain minor changes to the plan. However, each time a decision is changed last minute by you, it gives your former spouse the same privilege in the future.

For those of you interested in emulating the personal habits of celebrities (which we typically don’t advise), this may be one of the few occasions where it should be permitted.

E! News reports that Britney Spears and her ex-husband Kevin Federline are using mediation to develop a working custody agreement:

Kevin Federline wants Britney Spears to once again play a major role in their children’s lives. Just not a bigger role than his.

K-Fed’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, spoke exclusively to E! News in the wake of Thursday’s all-day mediation session, in which both sides were seeking to hash out a custody agreement in advance of an August trial.

“Kevin is seeking to maintain the sole legal and physical custody that he presently has,” Kaplan said. “There’s nothing magical about 50-50. There’s nothing magical about 60-40. What’s magical is that whatever order is in place, it’s the order that best suits the best interest of the children.”