If you have kids or hang around child-like adults, you have probably heard someone scream out “shotgun” as they approach the car. This modern tradition allows the non-drivers to lay claim to the front passenger seat when there is the potential it will be contested by another. What is so intriguing about the game is that the competing parties rarely have a practical interest in acquiring the seat. The 5’4 person will still belt out “shotgun” even if the competitor for the seat is 6’5 and the car is a sub-compact. The goal is merely to have a victory.

This same desire to win, even when it’s impractical, can also creep its way into the divorce process and create unnecessary and damaging results. A spouse may lay claim to an item, even though they know it is something they have no interest in, just to feel victorious. This little victory may feel good, but it can be costly, figuratively and literally.

The win typically leads to tit for tat retaliation from the other soon-to-be ex-spouse. And in the end, the retaliation usually leads to unworkable divorce and custody agreements. Meanwhile, each party is spending more time (read: more money) with their lawyers to try and salvage the things they really wanted to begin with.

In divorce mediation, we try to eliminate the child-like competition and bring practicality back into the process. Couples in a mediation session are given the opportunity to openly discuss their interest in an item and work towards an agreement that ensures everyone can claim a victory.

With the economy in a serious downturn, many Americans are looking for sensible alternatives to survive the crunch. To dodge the skyrocketing gas prices, some are trying hybrid vehicles, biodiesel fuels, and public transportation. To avoid the sting of the housing market slump, sellers are offering flat screen televisions and gift cards to woo potential buyers. And to suppress the every-growing costs of a traditional litigated divorce, separating couples are looking to divorce mediation.

Consider this, a low conflict traditional divorce, with some negotiation but an uncontested final judgment, can cost around $40,000. The same low conflict divorce reached via mediation could cost as little as $8,500. That’s nearly five times less expensive than the traditional divorce. To put that in perspective, the savings are equal to several all-inclusive two-week trips to Hawaii.

The contrast in price in high conflict divorces is even starker. A fully contested divorce can run a couple as much as $350,000. Compare that to $25,000 for the same divorce resolved in mediation. The savings with mediation can buy you nearly anything you want, including a house in Ft. Lauderdale, a law school education, and a Rolls Royce.

While saving money is not the only or best reason to try mediation, it doesn’t hurt. And knowing that you will have money in the bank during this and future economic crises is reason enough to consider mediation as your sensible alternative to traditional divorce.

Pop culture has brought us a lot of great terms in recent years, including swiftboating, metrosexual, and my personal favorite, tivoed. But none is quite as catchy or appropriate as frenemy. For those of you not familiar with the term, it is a fusion of the words friend and enemy. It connotes a relationship where the two people masquerade as friends but in reality have negative ulterior motives. Some of pop cultures best known frenemies exist in soap operas and scripted “reality tv”. But frenemies exist in the real world as well.

While frenemy is a fun word to say, it’s not a fun relationship to have, especially when it is with your soon-to-be ex-spouse. A life change of this magnitude is difficult enough when a relationship is straight forward. It can only get worse if the relationship is duplicitous.
While some complexity in the relationship is expected, the frenemy dynamic is extraordinarily troublesome in mediation because it can distract from creating a workable divorce and custody agreement. For instance, if you think you are working together with your former partner to reach a equitable agreement, meanwhile both of you are attempting to undermine the other by omitting details or sharing incorrect information, the final product will be a waste of both your time and money.

To reach usable result in mediation, the couple must be straight forward and honest. Even if you and your spouse share a strong dislike for one another, there is a benefit in knowing where the other person really stands. This is not to say that being cordial is not an asset to a successful mediation, but manipulating your partner can only have negative impact in the end.

There is a great article on Mediate.com that looks at eight signs that you are really ready for divorce.  The piece is written by Bruce Derman and Wendy Gregson and offers some great insights if you are considering taking the next step towards a divorce.

Below is one of the best points in the article:

The reason many people do not even think about getting ready for a divorce is because they operate under the assumption that the sooner you can get out of a stressful situation the better. So there is a natural tendency for people who are in difficult marriages to want to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible in order to move on with their lives. Family and friends often encourage this as well. They hurt for the family and so also prescribe to the myth that the quicker the divorce is over, the sooner everything will return to normal. But unfortunately in most cases just the opposite happens. Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage have had no time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts or options. As a result they are unprepared for the roller coaster of emotions, the complicated legal system and the many life changing decisions that they need to make. Quite often they make agreements which they cannot sustain, and instead of the situation getting better, they often find that they have just traded one set of problems for another. So it is no wonder that they often get tangled up in lengthy court cases and the very thing they hoped for, a quick divorce, often takes years.

To read more from this article, you can check it out on mediate.com

For those of you who are into public radio, you may have heard of the NPR series, This I Believe. Created by Edward R. Murrow in the ’60s and revamped for the modern era, This I Believe is, “an international project engaging people in writing, sharing, and discussing the core values that guide their daily lives.”

Inspired by the idea, and a little prompting from a member of the Peace Talks team, I decided to write an essay on what I believe and I thought I would share it with the Peace Talks community.

I believe “truce is better than friction.” Sure it sounds a bit cheesy, but it’s a belief that guides my work as a family law mediator and my life.

For years, I was a divorce attorney and, all modesty aside, I was really good. I helped my clients kill their ex-spouse (financially, that is).

Then people started actually dying. I had one client commit suicide and another whose former wife tried to kill herself when I won his case. Then, to top it all off, while I giving a closing argument, the opposing party dropped dead in the courtroom.

I took this as a sign that maybe the bloody courtroom battles I specialized in were not the best route to getting a divorce. Given that divorce impacts everyone, including children and extended family, I decided that there had to be a better, more peaceful way to get divorced.

That better way was mediation. Don’t get me wrong; I am not some peace-seeking hippie. I doubt holding hands or singing kumbaya is helpful, especially when your soon-to-be ex-spouse had a fling with your local Starbucks barista.
However, dialogue has always been a successful tool in conflict resolution. Moreover, it just seemed like the practical choice.

Think about it, most marriages fall apart from a failure of communication. Too often couples argue and, instead of listening, they are waiting for their chance to make their point. Or worse, they don’t talk at all until it’s too late.
In mediation, I ask couples to truly listen to and communicate with each other as they work towards a divorce. The structured discussion helps them recognize that there may be lots of different ways to meet each of their goals, and that the answer doesn’t have to include destroying the other person at all costs. Statistics show this truce often leads to more effective and long-lasting divorce and custody agreements.

(more…)

Check out the new installment of the Peace Talks VideoCast. In this episode, Diana Mercer offers her take on what causes divorce.

Don’t feel like sitting in front of your computer to get the Peace Talks tips on divorce, conflict, custody, and mediation? Now you can take Diana Mercer’s insights with you in audio form on your iPod or other portable media device! Click below for Peace Talks podcasts on divorce and kids and stay tuned for more podcast news to come.

Divorce & Kids Podcast (Right click , then choose “save link as” to download)

If you have been keeping you’re an eye on presidential politics in the last few weeks, you may have noticed that the dialogue on the Democratic side has devolved from a discussion of the issues into an endless fit of name calling.

This literal “he said, she said” reflects one of the most common communication problems that lead to divorce. That is, when couples first begin an argument the focus is usually squarely the issue. But as time passes, tangential arguments arise that are typically unimportant and distract from the real issue. Thus, a worthwhile argument about respecting each other’s time turns into who took out the garbage last.

One of the reasons divorce mediation is so successful is that the mediator is able to rein in these the extraneous fights and arguments. By bringing the focus back to the larger issue, the couples can more quickly and effectively resolve the problems that are preventing the creation of workable divorce and custody agreements.

If these politicians can’t get back to the issue, then a mediation session should be in their futures.

In the latest installment of the Peace Talks VideoCast, Diana Mercer, Esq. gives an overview of divorce mediation, the sane and sensible alternative to an expensive, litigated divorce.

With Easter days away and the summer break just down the road, it is time to think about your kids and their holiday schedules. If you are just recently divorced, and have not had a big holiday to test your custody agreement, it can be helpful to prepare yourself both physically and emotionally for the upcoming event.

If you are the parent sending the child off, preparing physically includes packing bags and making sure they have their figurative security blanket, e.g. a favorite toy, a stuffed animal, or their iPod. Preparation does not include giving them notes, bills, or paperwork to pass on to your ex-spouse. Turning your child into the messenger can put them in an awkward situation and make them the target for any frustration stemming from those documents.

If you are the receiving parent, make your home welcoming. Try to have one of your child’s favorite foods in the refrigerator and make their sleeping arrangement as comfortable as possible. While it may be tempting to probe your children about your ex-spouses personal life, they are not spies-in-training and should never be used as such.

Preparing emotionally is important as well. Try and stay busy while your child is away. If you dwell too much on missing them, you could end up in a lasting funk. Consider meeting up with friends or other family. Also, avoid laying a guilt trip on your child for wanting to see their other parent. A guilt trip may yield the result you want in the short term (getting your child to stay), but the long-term effects could be much worse (resentment, anger, issues with you ex-spouse).

Again, as the receiving parent, it is also important to manage your emotions. Don’t expect your children it instantly feel comfortable. It may take a little time for them to adjust. Additionally, be prepared for your child to feel a little homesick for their “main” home. Try not to take it too personally and encourage them to share their concerns.

If you find that, even after preparation and a couple of tries, your custody agreement still doesn’t seem to be the best fit for your kids, you may want to consider revising the agreement via mediation. In custody mediation, you and your ex will get together to openly discuss the kinks and problems in your agreement and modify it accordingly.