With Easter days away and the summer break just down the road, it is time to think about your kids and their holiday schedules. If you are just recently divorced, and have not had a big holiday to test your custody agreement, it can be helpful to prepare yourself both physically and emotionally for the upcoming event.

If you are the parent sending the child off, preparing physically includes packing bags and making sure they have their figurative security blanket, e.g. a favorite toy, a stuffed animal, or their iPod. Preparation does not include giving them notes, bills, or paperwork to pass on to your ex-spouse. Turning your child into the messenger can put them in an awkward situation and make them the target for any frustration stemming from those documents.

If you are the receiving parent, make your home welcoming. Try to have one of your child’s favorite foods in the refrigerator and make their sleeping arrangement as comfortable as possible. While it may be tempting to probe your children about your ex-spouses personal life, they are not spies-in-training and should never be used as such.

Preparing emotionally is important as well. Try and stay busy while your child is away. If you dwell too much on missing them, you could end up in a lasting funk. Consider meeting up with friends or other family. Also, avoid laying a guilt trip on your child for wanting to see their other parent. A guilt trip may yield the result you want in the short term (getting your child to stay), but the long-term effects could be much worse (resentment, anger, issues with you ex-spouse).

Again, as the receiving parent, it is also important to manage your emotions. Don’t expect your children it instantly feel comfortable. It may take a little time for them to adjust. Additionally, be prepared for your child to feel a little homesick for their “main” home. Try not to take it too personally and encourage them to share their concerns.

If you find that, even after preparation and a couple of tries, your custody agreement still doesn’t seem to be the best fit for your kids, you may want to consider revising the agreement via mediation. In custody mediation, you and your ex will get together to openly discuss the kinks and problems in your agreement and modify it accordingly.

In the latest Peace Talks VideoCast, Diana Mercer, Esq. shares the history of Peace Talks.

When people think about the cause of their divorce, they often cite the last event before the decision to divorce was made or the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. But in truth, millions of straws were likely already straining the relationship, and the collapse was just a matter of time.

One of the benefits of bringing a relationship to a close via mediation is the opportunity to confront those underlying straws in a safe, secure setting. While resolving these aforementioned issues is not necessarily within the purview of the mediation session, bringing them to the forefront in an open conversation may give the clients the piece of mind necessary to move forward in the process.

This mean the separating couple would be more inclined to create a working divorce settlement rather than a one built on a foundation of frustration and spite.

New episode of the Peace Talks VideoCast. This episode focuses on the emotional and financial benefits of mediation.

One of the least discussed, but most damaging aspects of a divorce is its effect on work.
As one would expect, dealing with a major change in your home life can sometimes flood your work life. This flood of emotions and stress can lead to what has been dubbed “presenteeism.”

Presenteeism is business speak for being at work but not getting much work done. Often employers, bosses, or HR departments will understand or at least empathize with your situation and give you time to acclimate to your new lifestyle. However, as a business, their primary goal is to make money and low productivity is not something they encourage for any extended length of time.

A recent study by The Harvard Business Review estimates that presenteeism costs American Business $150 billion annually in direct and indirect costs. And with the economy in flux, any opportunity to trim the fat may bring extra attention to your presenteeism.

There are a couple of tips to keep your work life stable as your personal life changes.

1. Talk to your HR dept. or boss. Let them know you are dealing with a big life change, but you will do your best to keep the problems out of the workplace. This will let them know that you are not just slacking off, but also HR may be able to give you some guidance and advice to help ease the transition.
2. Consider Mediation. Because mediation provides the opportunity to work through both the legal and emotional aspects of divorce, it means you are less likely to drag those divorce-related emotions into the workplace with you. Further, mediation often produces results much faster compared to a contested litigation, meaning less time spent worrying about the divorce at work.

While none of these suggestions will truly turn the flood of emotions into a draught in your office, they can may transform the flood into a leak that can be patched with enough time.

While divorce mediation is in no way a substitute for therapy, it does offer participants a chance to get shed some of the emotional baggage related to the divorce.

Often, a significant portion of the anger, hostility, and frustration during the divorce process stems from unresolved issues in the marriage. Sometimes the soon-to-be ex-spouse didn’t even know it was an issue.

Communicating about these underlying issues can be key component of divorce mediation. When participants come in for their sessions, they are given the opportunity to discuss any issues in a safe and structured environment. While the problem is unlikely to be resolved in the mediation, just the chance to air the grievances can offer piece of mind.

With everything off your chest, the parting couple has a much greater chance of moving forward and creating workable divorce and custody agreements.

Forget the old concept of hating your ex and thinking your marriage was a mistake. You can choose to see your divorce as an opportunity to call a truce and put and end to the fighting. You can divorce:

• Without losing your shirt or your sanity

• Yet stay cordial (or even friends) with your ex

• And keep your kids off the therapists’ couch

• Feeling proud of the way you handled yourself

• With an emotionally clean slate

A divorce done the Peace Talks way blends the legal and mental health issues of your family neutrally, in the presence of trained mediators. You’ll be guided to communicate your thoughts, feelings and ideas in harmonious ways and isolate the issues that are part of your divorce. That way, you can come up with options that accommodate the needs of each member of your family. 

Mediators won’t judge you or give you advice. They are simply there to guide you through your own process and help you understand the implications of your situation. For a complete overview of what divorce mediation involves and provides, see http://www.peace-talks.com/aboutus/. If you want to, your family can stay out of the legal system.  

No matter how bad things seem, mediation provides a better way and third alternative solutions that are not often apparent until issues are named and then discussed neutrally. These alternatives come from what Stephen R. Covey calls “synergy” in his best-seller “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0743269519/sayleadership-20. Covey defines synergy as a mutual trust and understanding that helps us solve conflicts by leveraging individual differences to create a whole that is better than the sum of its parts. Through synergy, we often find better solutions than we would have had we taken either person’s own individual solution. Your problems can only be solved on a new and emergent level of understanding. Otherwise you are doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. 

If you have children, you can unhook and hold your head high by setting a good example for your children that though you can’t stay in the marriage, you can problem solve.  When people have pain around their children, they have no peace of mind. There is a responsibility that haunts parents when their children are short changed.  Peace Talks helps people alleviate this pain so they can move on with serenity, grace and a clean slate. For a short video “All About Peace Talks,” see http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=diana+mercer&search_type=&aq=f.

Conflict before, during, and after a divorce is inevitable. While it’s often uncomfortable to meet conflict head-on it is a necessary evil if a workable agreement is to be reached.

Since nearly 95% of all divorce cases ultimately settle, there is little benefit to postponing or avoiding the confrontation.

The first step in dealing with conflict is to understand the other side’s interests. They may take a position like, “I want the children on Wednesday nights” or “I want the house.”

While requests like this may seem strange to you, they may have significant meaning to the other party. Until you understand why they want what they want, it will be difficult to resolve the conflicts ahead.

For example, perhaps the reason the parent wants the children on Wednesday nights is that he or she wants to be involved doing the children’s homework.

While Wednesday night may not be convenient for you or the children, but maybe there is another way the parent can continue to be involved in helping with homework.

And maybe the request for the house is really just a desire for a secure place to live, or to be able to stay in the same school system.

It isn’t as much about “Wednesday night” or “the house” as it is about other, underlying issues.

To find out the other side’s real interests, the best strategy is to ask questions.

For Example:

Help me understand why that is important to you.

What could I do to make my proposal acceptable to you?

If you could have what you’re asking, what would that accomplish for you?

Listen to their responses, and then ask more questions if necessary. Repeat what the person has said to make sure you understand. These answers are clues as to how to resolve your conflict.

Remember, You don’t have to agree with what they say, and you don’t have to give in to their demands. You’re not being “nice”, you’re being strategic.

This is just one of many steps in dealing with conflict in divorce. Mediated divorce sessions are an excellent way to deal with these conflicts in a safe, comfortable environment.

Divorce is bad for children—sometimes.
While it’s tempting to say that children are better off in divorced but peaceful families, that’s not always the case.

Recent research suggests that in the immediate aftermath of divorce, most children hurt.
But is it possible that divorce is better for children in the long run compared to living with parents that constantly fight?

Much of the answer to that question depends on how the parents behave during and after the divorce, and whether their actions are centered around the children’s best interests, or their own adult motivations.
Telling the children that you are divorcing will be one of the most difficult moments of your life. Doing it together, as a unified front, is by far the best way of taking care of your children.

First, start with a simple statement that you are divorcing. Keep it simple and clear; remember that once they hear the “D” word, they won’t be listening to much detail.

Next, explain that you have tried everything you can think of to work out your marriage, but that it is necessary to live apart. Remind them that that they are not losing either of their parents and that you both love and will continue to love them. Reassure your children that they will have access to both of you, as well as extended families and friends.

The decision about how to proceed legally can also influence how the children will fare during the divorce. A bitter, contested divorce case will negatively impact the children both emotionally and financially. The stray negative comments about each other, the stress of the fight, and the parade of lawyers and mental health professionals entering your children’s lives will change them forever.

Many couples with children are now considering mediated or collaborative divorce as a way of protecting their kids by decreasing the conflict and negativity at home. In mediated sessions, a mediator and an attorney help the parents openly and honestly communicate the details of their divorce and resolve their conflict.

The final product is a workable agreement that is in the best interest of the children and the parents.