When people think about the cause of their divorce, they often cite the last event before the decision to divorce was made or the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. But in truth, millions of straws were likely already straining the relationship, and the collapse was just a matter of time.

One of the benefits of bringing a relationship to a close via mediation is the opportunity to confront those underlying straws in a safe, secure setting. While resolving these aforementioned issues is not necessarily within the purview of the mediation session, bringing them to the forefront in an open conversation may give the clients the piece of mind necessary to move forward in the process.

This mean the separating couple would be more inclined to create a working divorce settlement rather than a one built on a foundation of frustration and spite.

New episode of the Peace Talks VideoCast. This episode focuses on the emotional and financial benefits of mediation.

One of the least discussed, but most damaging aspects of a divorce is its effect on work.
As one would expect, dealing with a major change in your home life can sometimes flood your work life. This flood of emotions and stress can lead to what has been dubbed “presenteeism.”

Presenteeism is business speak for being at work but not getting much work done. Often employers, bosses, or HR departments will understand or at least empathize with your situation and give you time to acclimate to your new lifestyle. However, as a business, their primary goal is to make money and low productivity is not something they encourage for any extended length of time.

A recent study by The Harvard Business Review estimates that presenteeism costs American Business $150 billion annually in direct and indirect costs. And with the economy in flux, any opportunity to trim the fat may bring extra attention to your presenteeism.

There are a couple of tips to keep your work life stable as your personal life changes.

1. Talk to your HR dept. or boss. Let them know you are dealing with a big life change, but you will do your best to keep the problems out of the workplace. This will let them know that you are not just slacking off, but also HR may be able to give you some guidance and advice to help ease the transition.
2. Consider Mediation. Because mediation provides the opportunity to work through both the legal and emotional aspects of divorce, it means you are less likely to drag those divorce-related emotions into the workplace with you. Further, mediation often produces results much faster compared to a contested litigation, meaning less time spent worrying about the divorce at work.

While none of these suggestions will truly turn the flood of emotions into a draught in your office, they can may transform the flood into a leak that can be patched with enough time.

Divorce resolution alternatives like mediation have moved their way from the fray to the mainstream. Thanks in part to references in popular movies like Oscar-winning Juno and Wedding Crashers, as well as praise from happy participants, mediation is getting the coverage and recognition it deserves.

Check out this article form the Associated Press and this article from the American Bar Association about the emotional and financial benefits mediation has to offer.

Here is a snippet of the ABA article:

Cost may also be a motivating factor in the quest for a peaceful
resolution of a problem marriage: The Boston Law Collaborative, where
Hoffman works, recently analyzed 199 of its divorce cases. It found
that mediation had a median cost of $6,600, followed by $19,723 for
collaborative divorce, $26,830 for a divorce settlement negotiated by
counsel, and $77,746 for a litigated divorce.

While divorce mediation is in no way a substitute for therapy, it does offer participants a chance to get shed some of the emotional baggage related to the divorce.

Often, a significant portion of the anger, hostility, and frustration during the divorce process stems from unresolved issues in the marriage. Sometimes the soon-to-be ex-spouse didn’t even know it was an issue.

Communicating about these underlying issues can be key component of divorce mediation. When participants come in for their sessions, they are given the opportunity to discuss any issues in a safe and structured environment. While the problem is unlikely to be resolved in the mediation, just the chance to air the grievances can offer piece of mind.

With everything off your chest, the parting couple has a much greater chance of moving forward and creating workable divorce and custody agreements.

Conflict before, during, and after a divorce is inevitable. While it’s often uncomfortable to meet conflict head-on it is a necessary evil if a workable agreement is to be reached.

Since nearly 95% of all divorce cases ultimately settle, there is little benefit to postponing or avoiding the confrontation.

The first step in dealing with conflict is to understand the other side’s interests. They may take a position like, “I want the children on Wednesday nights” or “I want the house.”

While requests like this may seem strange to you, they may have significant meaning to the other party. Until you understand why they want what they want, it will be difficult to resolve the conflicts ahead.

For example, perhaps the reason the parent wants the children on Wednesday nights is that he or she wants to be involved doing the children’s homework.

While Wednesday night may not be convenient for you or the children, but maybe there is another way the parent can continue to be involved in helping with homework.

And maybe the request for the house is really just a desire for a secure place to live, or to be able to stay in the same school system.

It isn’t as much about “Wednesday night” or “the house” as it is about other, underlying issues.

To find out the other side’s real interests, the best strategy is to ask questions.

For Example:

Help me understand why that is important to you.

What could I do to make my proposal acceptable to you?

If you could have what you’re asking, what would that accomplish for you?

Listen to their responses, and then ask more questions if necessary. Repeat what the person has said to make sure you understand. These answers are clues as to how to resolve your conflict.

Remember, You don’t have to agree with what they say, and you don’t have to give in to their demands. You’re not being “nice”, you’re being strategic.

This is just one of many steps in dealing with conflict in divorce. Mediated divorce sessions are an excellent way to deal with these conflicts in a safe, comfortable environment.

Divorce is bad for children—sometimes.
While it’s tempting to say that children are better off in divorced but peaceful families, that’s not always the case.

Recent research suggests that in the immediate aftermath of divorce, most children hurt.
But is it possible that divorce is better for children in the long run compared to living with parents that constantly fight?

Much of the answer to that question depends on how the parents behave during and after the divorce, and whether their actions are centered around the children’s best interests, or their own adult motivations.
Telling the children that you are divorcing will be one of the most difficult moments of your life. Doing it together, as a unified front, is by far the best way of taking care of your children.

First, start with a simple statement that you are divorcing. Keep it simple and clear; remember that once they hear the “D” word, they won’t be listening to much detail.

Next, explain that you have tried everything you can think of to work out your marriage, but that it is necessary to live apart. Remind them that that they are not losing either of their parents and that you both love and will continue to love them. Reassure your children that they will have access to both of you, as well as extended families and friends.

The decision about how to proceed legally can also influence how the children will fare during the divorce. A bitter, contested divorce case will negatively impact the children both emotionally and financially. The stray negative comments about each other, the stress of the fight, and the parade of lawyers and mental health professionals entering your children’s lives will change them forever.

Many couples with children are now considering mediated or collaborative divorce as a way of protecting their kids by decreasing the conflict and negativity at home. In mediated sessions, a mediator and an attorney help the parents openly and honestly communicate the details of their divorce and resolve their conflict.

The final product is a workable agreement that is in the best interest of the children and the parents.

When you’re in a conflict, especially divorce-related one, it’s tempting to think that the other person is completely at fault, and that you are totally blameless.

However, no one is a complete angel all of the time.

Resolving conflict is not about assigning blame to the guilty party, but moving forward and learning a new way to deal with each other in the future.

Part of a separating couple’s ability to move on depends on their ability to recognize that it takes two to fight. When you understand your role in the conflict, you can start to avoid old behaviors that led you into the arguments of the past.

As a family law mediator, often the first agreement I help couple’s reach is that they need to try a new way of communicating and dealing with each other in the future.

But change is not easy, and doing things differently can sometimes feel risky. People are naturally resistant to change, but if we truly want to limit conflict in the future, it’s important to identify those behaviors that contributed to the conflicts of the past.

While Peace Talks is best associated with our sane and sensible approach to ending a marriage, we are also in the business of helping engaged and newlywed couples prepare for a long-lasting relationships.

Premarital mediation is an alternative way of creating a prenuptial agreement. In this process, we facilitate an open discussion between the couple about all kinds of marital issues, like expectations about working after children are born and saving and spending styles as well as the traditional premarital discussions about property division and spousal support if the marriage is terminated. The engaged couple makes all of the decisions about what would happen in the event of a separation or divorce with the assistance of the mediator.

They then draft either a deal memo or a premarital agreement and have it reviewed by their respective attorneys. An agreement developed via mediation is typically less expensive because fewer hours are spent with attorneys because the couple has made all of the decisions together, rather than one side vs. the other.

If you happen to be in the L.A. area Peace Talks founder Diana Mercer, Esq. will be leading a weekly Premarital/Newlywed Boot Camp in Playa Vista. She and her associates will cover everything from communication skills, to dealing with in-laws to long term financial planning.

See our flier here

Please contact us at 310-301-2100 or by email at mediator@peace-talks.com

As the national honors Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. today, we are reminded not only of his leadership, but also his message of peace and unity. This message changed the trajectory of our country in the ’60s, and it resonates today, in a slightly different way, within the field of mediation.

As family law mediators, we strive to resolve the conflict between couples everyday in a sane, sensible, and peaceful manner. We are tasked with bringing couples together in civil dialogue, often for the sake of their children’s wellbeing. While the peace and unity we struggle for is on much smaller scale than the goals set forth by Dr. King, they provide us with guidance and purpose as we carryout our jobs each day.