With the economy in a serious downturn, many Americans are looking for sensible alternatives to survive the crunch. To dodge the skyrocketing gas prices, some are trying hybrid vehicles, biodiesel fuels, and public transportation. To avoid the sting of the housing market slump, sellers are offering flat screen televisions and gift cards to woo potential buyers. And to suppress the every-growing costs of a traditional litigated divorce, separating couples are looking to divorce mediation.

Consider this, a low conflict traditional divorce, with some negotiation but an uncontested final judgment, can cost around $40,000. The same low conflict divorce reached via mediation could cost as little as $8,500. That’s nearly five times less expensive than the traditional divorce. To put that in perspective, the savings are equal to several all-inclusive two-week trips to Hawaii.

The contrast in price in high conflict divorces is even starker. A fully contested divorce can run a couple as much as $350,000. Compare that to $25,000 for the same divorce resolved in mediation. The savings with mediation can buy you nearly anything you want, including a house in Ft. Lauderdale, a law school education, and a Rolls Royce.

While saving money is not the only or best reason to try mediation, it doesn’t hurt. And knowing that you will have money in the bank during this and future economic crises is reason enough to consider mediation as your sensible alternative to traditional divorce.

Pop culture has brought us a lot of great terms in recent years, including swiftboating, metrosexual, and my personal favorite, tivoed. But none is quite as catchy or appropriate as frenemy. For those of you not familiar with the term, it is a fusion of the words friend and enemy. It connotes a relationship where the two people masquerade as friends but in reality have negative ulterior motives. Some of pop cultures best known frenemies exist in soap operas and scripted “reality tv”. But frenemies exist in the real world as well.

While frenemy is a fun word to say, it’s not a fun relationship to have, especially when it is with your soon-to-be ex-spouse. A life change of this magnitude is difficult enough when a relationship is straight forward. It can only get worse if the relationship is duplicitous.
While some complexity in the relationship is expected, the frenemy dynamic is extraordinarily troublesome in mediation because it can distract from creating a workable divorce and custody agreement. For instance, if you think you are working together with your former partner to reach a equitable agreement, meanwhile both of you are attempting to undermine the other by omitting details or sharing incorrect information, the final product will be a waste of both your time and money.

To reach usable result in mediation, the couple must be straight forward and honest. Even if you and your spouse share a strong dislike for one another, there is a benefit in knowing where the other person really stands. This is not to say that being cordial is not an asset to a successful mediation, but manipulating your partner can only have negative impact in the end.

For those of you who are into public radio, you may have heard of the NPR series, This I Believe. Created by Edward R. Murrow in the ’60s and revamped for the modern era, This I Believe is, “an international project engaging people in writing, sharing, and discussing the core values that guide their daily lives.”

Inspired by the idea, and a little prompting from a member of the Peace Talks team, I decided to write an essay on what I believe and I thought I would share it with the Peace Talks community.

I believe “truce is better than friction.” Sure it sounds a bit cheesy, but it’s a belief that guides my work as a family law mediator and my life.

For years, I was a divorce attorney and, all modesty aside, I was really good. I helped my clients kill their ex-spouse (financially, that is).

Then people started actually dying. I had one client commit suicide and another whose former wife tried to kill herself when I won his case. Then, to top it all off, while I giving a closing argument, the opposing party dropped dead in the courtroom.

I took this as a sign that maybe the bloody courtroom battles I specialized in were not the best route to getting a divorce. Given that divorce impacts everyone, including children and extended family, I decided that there had to be a better, more peaceful way to get divorced.

That better way was mediation. Don’t get me wrong; I am not some peace-seeking hippie. I doubt holding hands or singing kumbaya is helpful, especially when your soon-to-be ex-spouse had a fling with your local Starbucks barista.
However, dialogue has always been a successful tool in conflict resolution. Moreover, it just seemed like the practical choice.

Think about it, most marriages fall apart from a failure of communication. Too often couples argue and, instead of listening, they are waiting for their chance to make their point. Or worse, they don’t talk at all until it’s too late.
In mediation, I ask couples to truly listen to and communicate with each other as they work towards a divorce. The structured discussion helps them recognize that there may be lots of different ways to meet each of their goals, and that the answer doesn’t have to include destroying the other person at all costs. Statistics show this truce often leads to more effective and long-lasting divorce and custody agreements.

(more…)

Don’t feel like sitting in front of your computer to get the Peace Talks tips on divorce, conflict, custody, and mediation? Now you can take Diana Mercer’s insights with you in audio form on your iPod or other portable media device! Click below for Peace Talks podcasts on divorce and kids and stay tuned for more podcast news to come.

Divorce & Kids Podcast (Right click , then choose “save link as” to download)

With Easter days away and the summer break just down the road, it is time to think about your kids and their holiday schedules. If you are just recently divorced, and have not had a big holiday to test your custody agreement, it can be helpful to prepare yourself both physically and emotionally for the upcoming event.

If you are the parent sending the child off, preparing physically includes packing bags and making sure they have their figurative security blanket, e.g. a favorite toy, a stuffed animal, or their iPod. Preparation does not include giving them notes, bills, or paperwork to pass on to your ex-spouse. Turning your child into the messenger can put them in an awkward situation and make them the target for any frustration stemming from those documents.

If you are the receiving parent, make your home welcoming. Try to have one of your child’s favorite foods in the refrigerator and make their sleeping arrangement as comfortable as possible. While it may be tempting to probe your children about your ex-spouses personal life, they are not spies-in-training and should never be used as such.

Preparing emotionally is important as well. Try and stay busy while your child is away. If you dwell too much on missing them, you could end up in a lasting funk. Consider meeting up with friends or other family. Also, avoid laying a guilt trip on your child for wanting to see their other parent. A guilt trip may yield the result you want in the short term (getting your child to stay), but the long-term effects could be much worse (resentment, anger, issues with you ex-spouse).

Again, as the receiving parent, it is also important to manage your emotions. Don’t expect your children it instantly feel comfortable. It may take a little time for them to adjust. Additionally, be prepared for your child to feel a little homesick for their “main” home. Try not to take it too personally and encourage them to share their concerns.

If you find that, even after preparation and a couple of tries, your custody agreement still doesn’t seem to be the best fit for your kids, you may want to consider revising the agreement via mediation. In custody mediation, you and your ex will get together to openly discuss the kinks and problems in your agreement and modify it accordingly.

By Keisha Chandler
Dispute Resolution Associate
Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.
Copyright 2007
www.peace-talks.com
PeaceTalksLA@aol.com
Juggling soccer practice, violin lessons, tutors, and everything else in between can be extremely difficult to manage for any family, but for divorcing parents it’s all the more challenging.

Using programs like these will help give your children a sense of predictability.  You can even enlist the help of your children to set up the initial information on the website.  It is an opportunity for them to see how you manage time and schedules which is an excellent skill for a child of any age to participate in and observe.  Take a look at all of the options and decide which features you will use give your family’s needs.

Several websites offer online parenting calendars with various features and functions to make life easier.  Each paid site offers a schedule, database for doctor and medical contact information, keeping track of expenses, school and homework info, and uploading photos to share.  Subscription sites tend to be more complete, but the free calendars have benefits as well:

Sharekids.com: This program costs $200 per year for a joint account and $100 per year for an individual account.  They also offer a lifetime fee structure which is $1000 for a joint account and $500 for an individual account.  If you have young children, you may want to consider this option if you find this program works for you and your family.  As an added bonus, they offer a 30 day free trial with absolutely no obligation to you.

Sharekids.com provides different options and permissions for every member of your family.  For example, if your children have grandparents that play an active role in your children’s lives, you can create an additional profile for them and give them access to only the sections you choose, like the children’s sports schedules.  Since grandparents don’t need access to the accounting portion of the website or your own personal day to day schedule, you can limit their access to just the sections in which they’re interested.  This feature is especially useful for stepparents and blended families, nannies, personal assistants, or any other interested adults.

One of the most helpful sections Sharekids.com offers is a House Rules section.   You can post house rules about computer use, TV, video game time, sleepovers, and bedtimes on the website. Just don’t expect Grandma and Grandpa to follow them! J

Best features:  multiple users with different access, nice navigational menu
www.sharekids.com

Our Family Wizard.com: This program costs $99.00 per year or about $8.65 per month.  No free trial period.

This is the most comprehensive and organized program.  It is also the most sophisticated of the products I reviewed.  It allows you to input the basic schedule for up to three years in advance. The program has a basic calendar for scheduling events, but also has a great feature to facilitate pick up and drop off time for each parent using color coding.

The most helpful and advanced feature of this program is the management of scheduling conflicts and trading days between parents.  When either situation presents itself, the program automatically posts this information to the Message Board which can be very helpful in avoiding miscommunications about events and appointments.

Best features:  3 year schedule, manages scheduling conflicts
www.ourfamilywizard.com

Custody Planner.com:  This is a nice, clean, simple and easy to use site.  Best of all, it’s free.  I particularly love the rules and exceptions section, and the ability to outline joint household rules. I could also see kids getting involved—they can read for themselves that both parents agree that there are no “R” rated movies in either household.

Lacking:  No database section of contact info for children’s doctors, dentists, other healthcare providers, teachers, school, even friends and names of friends’ parents.

Best features:  Free, rules and exceptions section
www.custodyplanner.com

Free Online Calendars (www.yahoo.com, www.aol.com, www.airset.com, www.hotmail.com):   These free calendars are simply calendars that you can share with other users.  You can see days of the week, but you cannot input any set schedule for years or months in advance.

Since they’re just calendars, these programs also do not allow you to keep track of expenses or keep information in one central place.   There are other limitations, too. Neither Yahoo! nor Hotmail have the ability to create calendars in one central location with one user profile.

The best of the free general calendars is probably Airset.  The Airset calendar allows you to have multiple calendars under one username.  The interface allows you keep up to 1 GB of information.  In that case, you can keep Word documents online with all the information pertaining to the kids on the Airset website.  The Airset interface also offers a message board, a lists section, and a contacts section with permissions for other users similar to Sharekids.com.  www.airset.com

There are a few other websites that I wasn’t able to see a demonstration or free trial but are mentioned here for the sake of being complete:

www.kidmate.com
www.parentingtimecalendar.com

No matter which program you choose, each will be helpful in organizing your family’s life post divorce, from schedule to doctors to uploading photos to share.  Check out each to determine which features best suit your situation and price point.

When people have a disagreement, they each tell the story of that
disagreement from their own point of view based on a set of assumptions
about why each person is “right.” In these stories, there doesn’t seem
room for another point of view, that is, however, until the other
person in the conflict tells his or her side of the disagreement. Then
you often have two equally plausible and completely opposite stories,
which are supposed to be about the same event.

How do you help people who disagree find a way to understand their own
stories so they can see the other point of view and begin taking steps
toward resolution?

The process is one of looking at each of the elements of the conflict
story separately so that they can be considered and addressed
individually. Mediators call this approach breaking the disagreement
into its component parts and dealing with them in smaller chunks. This
process is also called “unpacking the story” or “making room,” but you
need not know the terms to understand the concept.

One of the elements to consider is the underlying assumption or
assumptions, often unstated or even unrealized, that makes the person
telling the story believe he or she is “right” whether that story is
about work or home or something else. Some of these assumptions have
been floating around for so long that they are never even considered in
the process of resolving the conflict; they are simply accepted. These
assumptions are called the “dominant discourse,” the story that we all
accept just because no one thought to name it, examine it, challenge it
if necessary, and consider it as part of the resolution process. It is
the assumption of “how things work around here” or culture.*

A common assumption is that of superiority, that one category of people
is superior in some way to another, stronger or smarter maybe, so the
superior category is always right. This story operates often in stories
of conflict that exist among people from different races, religions,
nationalities, or gender.

Another assumption is that of appropriate role definitions. Often this
assumption is part of a conflict over who is expected to do what, as in
marriages or in turf disputes at work, and like other assumptions, we
may not initially recognize that it is operating. This assumption is
not necessarily about equality of roles, only their different
responsibilities.

A third assumption is that of privilege or entitlement, that one group
gets more of what is available or doesn’t have to follow the rules as
others do simply by being a member of a particular group. Privilege
comes with a family name or with wealth or seniority or with whatever
defines it in your group or organization, and may not related to
accomplishment.

These stories of superiority, role, and privilege or entitlement can
sneak into a story of conflict very subtly and are very hard to
address. They have to be named and examined, their truth and
applicability considered and maybe even rejected as part of the
resolution process, and that requires tact.

Beliefs are strongly held, and asking in a challenging tone, “Where did
you get that idea?” isn’t going to encourage thoughtful consideration
of the idea, only its defense. Examination of an underlying assumption
has to be done with respect. If, instead of an outright challenge, you
make an observation that one party seems to have a particular way of
thinking about something, then you can inquire gently how that person
came to that point if view, whether it was something that was assumed
and practiced in his or her family, or was learned when someone went to
school. By discussing it instead of challenging it, the person can
consider whether that assumption is still valid and applicable in this
situation. The review may lead people to rethink some things they
simply accepted before, and that may be a great deal to ask.

This is not easy work, but it is very much worth it. People defend
their beliefs strongly, and examining assumptions can actually add to
the conflict rather than resolve it. However, think of the many invalid
assumptions that have already been challenged and resulted in positive
change, how many more we can address as part of working toward
resolution, and the benefit becomes clear.

Have a great week.

Maria Simpson, Ph.D.
psm@earthlink.net
* My sincere thanks to John Winslade and Gerald Monk for these ideas
which are fully explained in their book Narrative Mediation, available
from Jossey-Bass Publishers.

Check the website at www.mariasimpson.com for the page on coaching
guidelines and a description of the Two Minute Training Communications
Calendar for 2007. Also, remember that on-line video coaching is
available as are customized programs for your group.

© 2007 Maria Simpson

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