Conflict before, during, and after a divorce is inevitable. While it’s often uncomfortable to meet conflict head-on it is a necessary evil if a workable agreement is to be reached.

Since nearly 95% of all divorce cases ultimately settle, there is little benefit to postponing or avoiding the confrontation.

The first step in dealing with conflict is to understand the other side’s interests. They may take a position like, “I want the children on Wednesday nights” or “I want the house.”

While requests like this may seem strange to you, they may have significant meaning to the other party. Until you understand why they want what they want, it will be difficult to resolve the conflicts ahead.

For example, perhaps the reason the parent wants the children on Wednesday nights is that he or she wants to be involved doing the children’s homework.

While Wednesday night may not be convenient for you or the children, but maybe there is another way the parent can continue to be involved in helping with homework.

And maybe the request for the house is really just a desire for a secure place to live, or to be able to stay in the same school system.

It isn’t as much about “Wednesday night” or “the house” as it is about other, underlying issues.

To find out the other side’s real interests, the best strategy is to ask questions.

For Example:

Help me understand why that is important to you.

What could I do to make my proposal acceptable to you?

If you could have what you’re asking, what would that accomplish for you?

Listen to their responses, and then ask more questions if necessary. Repeat what the person has said to make sure you understand. These answers are clues as to how to resolve your conflict.

Remember, You don’t have to agree with what they say, and you don’t have to give in to their demands. You’re not being “nice”, you’re being strategic.

This is just one of many steps in dealing with conflict in divorce. Mediated divorce sessions are an excellent way to deal with these conflicts in a safe, comfortable environment.