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Divorce and Kids
Divorce is bad for children—sometimes.
While it’s tempting to say that children are better off in divorced but peaceful families, that’s not always the case.
Recent research suggests that in the immediate aftermath of divorce, most children hurt.
But is it possible that divorce is better for children in the long run compared to living with parents that constantly fight?
Much of the answer to that question depends on how the parents behave during and after the divorce, and whether their actions are centered around the children’s best interests, or their own adult motivations.
Telling the children that you are divorcing will be one of the most difficult moments of your life. Doing it together, as a unified front, is by far the best way of taking care of your children.
First, start with a simple statement that you are divorcing. Keep it simple and clear; remember that once they hear the “D” word, they won’t be listening to much detail.
Next, explain that you have tried everything you can think of to work out your marriage, but that it is necessary to live apart. Remind them that that they are not losing either of their parents and that you both love and will continue to love them. Reassure your children that they will have access to both of you, as well as extended families and friends.
The decision about how to proceed legally can also influence how the children will fare during the divorce. A bitter, contested divorce case will negatively impact the children both emotionally and financially. The stray negative comments about each other, the stress of the fight, and the parade of lawyers and mental health professionals entering your children’s lives will change them forever.
Many couples with children are now considering mediated or collaborative divorce as a way of protecting their kids by decreasing the conflict and negativity at home. In mediated sessions, a mediator and an attorney help the parents openly and honestly communicate the details of their divorce and resolve their conflict.
The final product is a workable agreement that is in the best interest of the children and the parents.
Thank you for your wise counsel on this important topic. I agree with you that divorce is sometimes a better option for our children.
My own experience more than a decade ago led to my writing How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! (My now grown son wrote the introduction.) What makes this book unique is that I don’t just tell parents what to say. I say it for them! I use fill-in-the-blank age-appropriate templates to show parents how to create a storybook sharing family photos and history as a successful way to have this tough conversation.
Therapists, attorneys, mediators, educators and other professionals from around the U.S. and beyond have endorsed the book, attesting to the value of my innovative storybook approach to this subject. Six therapists contribute their expertise to the book, as well. My purpose is to raise the consciousness of divorcing couples so they will stop, talk and create a caring plan of action before having that first crucial conversation with their children. In addition to providing six essential messages every child needs to hear and understand at this time, I also advise parents, for the sake of their kids, to choose to create a “child-centered divorce” which will reap significant rewards in the months, years and decades to come.
For more information, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. I encourage mediation to all couples facing divorce.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com
Comment by Rosalind Sedacca, CCT — February 8, 2008 @ 4:37 pm