Pop culture has brought us a lot of great terms in recent years, including swiftboating, metrosexual, and my personal favorite, tivoed. But none is quite as catchy or appropriate as frenemy. For those of you not familiar with the term, it is a fusion of the words friend and enemy. It connotes a relationship where the two people masquerade as friends but in reality have negative ulterior motives. Some of pop cultures best known frenemies exist in soap operas and scripted “reality tv”. But frenemies exist in the real world as well.

While frenemy is a fun word to say, it’s not a fun relationship to have, especially when it is with your soon-to-be ex-spouse. A life change of this magnitude is difficult enough when a relationship is straight forward. It can only get worse if the relationship is duplicitous.
While some complexity in the relationship is expected, the frenemy dynamic is extraordinarily troublesome in mediation because it can distract from creating a workable divorce and custody agreement. For instance, if you think you are working together with your former partner to reach a equitable agreement, meanwhile both of you are attempting to undermine the other by omitting details or sharing incorrect information, the final product will be a waste of both your time and money.

To reach usable result in mediation, the couple must be straight forward and honest. Even if you and your spouse share a strong dislike for one another, there is a benefit in knowing where the other person really stands. This is not to say that being cordial is not an asset to a successful mediation, but manipulating your partner can only have negative impact in the end.