For anyone who can’t let go of that “Money=Happiness” thing, just read and be kind of glad that you don’t have so much money that God borrows from you.
The divorce fairness issue that Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos don’t have to worry about
For anyone who can’t let go of that “Money=Happiness” thing, just read and be kind of glad that you don’t have so much money that God borrows from you.
The divorce fairness issue that Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos don’t have to worry about
California Governor Jerry Brown has signed a new law that changes the California Evidence Code that requires attorneys representing clients in mediation to provide disclosures in writing about mediation confidentiality. The attorney must provide the disclosures to clients BEFORE the client agrees to participation in mediation, or AFTER if the client hires the attorney after agreeing to mediation. The law tells attorneys what this disclosure must say and how it must be formatted. The client must sign the disclosure form. The law went into effect on January 1, 2019.
This is a real example of why PeaceTalks maintains the teamwork dynamic and associations with litigators that save time and prevent worries about details being handled thoroughly and correctly throughout the process. We make sure that you are aware of exactly what needs to be done and by when as we offer access to advisors that we trust to provide information, guidance, and support.
Anytime there is a change in procedure or the introduction a new form we make sure that everything is handled in a timely manner and nothing catches you by surprise. If you have considered mediation to help with your divorce but you have questions more suited to a conversation, please call the office and we’ll find a time to talk.
All investors review their investments annually, and in light of the market’s recent volatility, it would be wise to review your investments soon as the new tax laws may affect your strategies. “Rebalancing” may be in order if your portfolio’s asset allocation no longer meets your current long-term objectives.As always, you should consult with your tax preparer and financial advisor to ensure that whatever changes have occurred in your life are reflected in your fiduciary’s overall plan.
It’s easy to see why PeaceTalks relies on the teamwork dynamic of involving tax and investment specialists in all our mediations. From the start couples build individual strategies as the assets are divided until a settlement agreement is reached and they sign off to their mutual satisfaction. We refer people, when necessary, from our group of trusted associates and we work seamlessly with whomever a client trusts.
The following has been excerpted from and article in The Press-Enterprise by Terry Parker. Look over these ideas and see if something might aid you in your preparation and planning. If you have a question please contact the office anytime.
Are you holding an investment that has lost value since it was purchased in your taxable portfolio? Intentionally selling this investment at a lost to reduce your tax liability is called tax-loss harvesting. The capital loss realized from this transaction can be used to offset capital gains, reducing your tax liability.
Give the Gift of Cash
Do you want to give a gift of cash? In 2018, you can give a gift of cash up to $15,000 to as many different people as you want without incurring the gift tax. The $15,000 is a per-person limit, not a total limit. Gifts up to this amount—called an annual exclusion—are not reportable on your tax return. A husband and wife can each make a $15,000 gift, giving as much as $30,000 to as many people as they choose each year.
Qualified Charitable Distributions
At the end of 2015, lawmakers approved a permanent measure allowing individuals who are 70½ years old or older to make qualified charitable distributions (also known as QCDs) directly from their individual retirement accounts (IRAs) to their favorite qualified charities.
Teri Parker is a vice president for CAPTRUST Financial Advisors.
The following was excerpted from an article in the Boston Herald by Wendy Hickey
Should We Try Mediation?
The answer is yes for most people. The majority of couples we see at PeaceTalks have enough common goals to negotiate an amicable and equitable settlement agreement. Since most people will listen to a neutral third-party guide in more constructive ways, PeaceTalks’ lawyers team with therapists and financial advisors to help navigate some tough decisions for a quicker, peaceful settlement.
Here’s an example of the logic involved as part of why mediation is worth a try for most situations.
I asked my wife for a divorce six months ago. I don’t want a big fight, but we do have kids, and different incomes, so I understand there are some complexities.
She hired a lawyer but also wants to hire a mediator and have the lawyers review things when we agree. This seems like wasted money to me. Why hire both?
Mediation is always worth trying, provided there is no real power imbalance in the relationship. The process saves money, and brings you both to the table to talk about difficult things. Couples find a jointsolution, setting a precedentfor future disputes that might arise involving the children.
The mediator’s job is to help you reach an agreement. Most, if not all mediators recommend hiring counsel for advice during mediation. It is not overly expensive, and your lawyer will make sure you understand your rights and obligations so you are educated going into the mediation. It is easier to reach an agreement when you understand the law and expected norms.
Wendy O. Hickey has since 1994 been involved in and since 2003 been a trial lawyer who concentrates her practice on national and international family law.
Impossible as it sounds there are people that swear by this strategy, even for short bursts of time, to alleviate the insidious stress of constant interaction and relentless, shifting deadlines. These are two of the main irritants that we see at PeaceTalks that affect our clients.
Here are some great thoughts Catherine Price presents and I hope you get a kick out them, use or not, and pass along to friends and family in between the eggnog and the champagne. If you have a situation that involves a filing December deadline concern our office will let you know if we have an available resource that might be of assistance.
May you have all the safety and security of those dear to you to go along with all the laughs from the bad ties and sweaters and socks…oh my!
“As the whirlwind of the holidays descends, you may find yourself wishing that you could slow down time. Here’s the thing: You can.
You just need to put down your cellphone.
I first discovered this myself a few years ago when, as an experiment, my husband and I took a 24-hour break from all our screens starting at sundown Friday. Saturday morning we accomplished more by 11 a.m. than we’d normally get done in an entire day. We cooked. We talked. We cleaned. We read. I practiced guitar. We played with our daughter. I felt like I’d unlocked a time-stretching superpower that I hadn’t known I possessed.”
There are some great points in this article (link below) that are very relevant to both children of the before group as well as those dealing annually with the “split family” holiday conflicts. I hope some of these insights come in handy no matter which side of the timeline you are on and I’m adding a story with a touch of real Christmas magic. Enjoy!
An emotional tale of kindness has captured international attention as a father from Wales paid tribute to his late neighbor, Ken, in a Monday social media post. Owen Williams says that after his elderly neighbor died, Ken’s daughter delivered 14 wrapped presents. Those presents were from Ken and intended for Williams’ daughter. If she opened one per year, she could have a “present from Ken” until her 16th Christmas.
Vicki L. Shemin, J.D., LICSW, ACSW is a domestic relations attorney (specializing in mediation, collaborative law, divorce coaching, settlement negotiations and high-conflict cases) who never goes to court to resolve matters.
“When it comes to children of divorce far too many of them the holidays mean split loyalties, guilt, sadness and regret.
It always strikes me that, for most children of divorce, the heartache attendant to the holidays is a yearly occurrence that stirs and reawakens abject wounds and unhealed scars. Even as children become adolescents and young adults who “vote with their feet,” the mere fact of making a holiday choice reawakens the old worries about “split loyalties” and “is it just easier to be with friends so my parents don’t think I am choosing between the two of them.”
Why split loyalties? Even if children have no choice as to where they are going to be for a holiday, the mere fact of being with one parent versus the other means making a difficult choice.
Why guilt? Children are acutely attuned to the fact that they are the identified cause of exasperation between their parents.
Why sadness? Psychologists know that children wonder how they can manage to have a joyous holiday with one parent while simultaneously longing to be with the other one.
Why regret? Many children of divorce feel that it is theirresponsibility to somehow change the dynamic between their parents while inevitably recognizing that they are really helpless to do so.
In the process of our mediations at PeaceTalks these issues are dealt with as we prepare couples and eventually their children for the coming transitions. Due to the changes in the tax laws for 2019 we have seen many former clients who are still following guideline that we set up with them years ago to help keep peace in the family, so to speak. Interestingly enough, the holiday schedule itself, can be the biggest ball to juggle. We start out talking with couples about this next question for the inevitable transportation kid shuttles and the author phrases this one nicely. Good luck dealing with logistics and if someone has a filing deadline problem we’ll see if we have an available asset for some assistance.
Consider typical holiday custody provisions – does it resemble more of a bus schedule or a child-centered schedule?
Here’s a couple more tips from the article I saw by Oren Kaufmann on the Mediate.com website.
Don’t be penny wise and pound-foolish.
Imagine the following not so unusual scenario. You have resolved all the tough issues and for some reason these one or two remain “as a matter of principle“. It makes no sense financially to terminate mediation and turn it over to lawyers because you cannot resolve these issues. The financial and emotional costs are likely to be very high. Unfortunately, despite these dangers, I see people doing this repeatedly (or at least contemplating it). Remember that arguing over “principle” can be a very dangerous and expensive proposition costing what otherwise could have been investment “principal.”The ultimate agreement should be based on a rational financial analysis. The problem and challenge is that this isn’t just a business deal. There are multiple layers of emotions involved. If it is emotionally based- i.e. revenge, guilt, anger, fear- there will inevitably be problems down the road.
The PeaceTalks mediation sessions are always supported by whatever type of financial and psychological professionals the couple might request as most of the difficult negotiations center around assets and income accompanied by anger.
Find someone to talk with.
Having someone you trust that you can talk about this with is critical. It may be that you talk with one person about the financial and one person about the emotional. Remember to careful about not confusing support and a good sounding board with nonsense based on some incorrect legal information/advice they received from a relative or friend.
That aside, having someone with whom you can discuss the process is invaluable and PeaceTalks can refer therapists.
Oran Kaufman-runs Amherst Mediation Services in Amherst, MA and he is a former president of the Massachusetts Council on Family Mediation.
There are a lot of commonalities with divorce and lessons from shared experiences can be extremely helpful when going through extremely stressful situations like divorce negotiations. Some great suggestions were offered by a mediation expert named Oran Kaufman in a series of articles for Mediate.com and I wanted to pass along these very cogent, and insightful pieces of advice to all, and to all a good night.
Give yourself all the time that you need, as hurried decisions are often bad decisions. Maybe you’re contemplating selling a house, buying a house, or which school will your children attend and so on. These are decisions the impact of which will be felt for a long time so take the time necessary to consider all the consequences. Do your research. Consult with your lawyer, friends, accountants or anyone else who you trust to give you a rational perspective.
From the moment the decision is made to engage in mediation with PeaceTalks we start to help the couple form a plan that includes delineating all assets and the decision-based issues that require negotiation. Whenever necessary we provide access to a choice of legal, financial and emotional support professionals, all veterans of the divorce mediation process.
If you are already in court and you feel rushed by the court process, almost any judge I know will gladly give you more time and continue a pre-trial conference or status conference if the judge knows that you are actively engaged in mediation and the additional time will help reach an agreement.
The courts have been very supportive of the growing role that mediation is playing in settling divorce cases and we are very grateful for the cooperation that judges have extended to our clients, particularly this year with the crazy packed court calendars. If you get worried about making the December 31St deadline call the office for possible help with your filing.
Divorce is an anxiety producing process. It is particularly important during this process that you take care of yourself. By that I mean, take care of the basics: get sleep, eat, try and have some fun and exercise. All those things that are important when life is “normal” are doubly important when you are going through the stress of divorce.
PeaceTalks by location has nearby parks for walking, yoga, or just some quiet time before and/or after sitting down with us to get you closer to your settlement agreement. We also have health professionals for tips on diet and special types of exercise developed expressly for stress. All those things that are important when life is “normal” are doubly important when you are going through the stress of divorce.
Oran Kaufman runs Amherst Mediation Services in Amherst, MA and he is a former president of the Massachusetts Council on Family Mediation. www.amherstmediators.com
As the commercial says “I’m not a tax advisor and I didn’t stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night…” but a piece by Dan Caplinger from The Motley Fool might have a useful idea for your situation. There’s a link at the end to the whole article.
Tax strategies is something that PeaceTalks always has addressed by at least one, if not more, professionals in all of mediation cases to ensure that both parties are able to optimize their assets after the settlement is reached.
There’s one big change that won’t hit taxpayers until the beginning of 2019. It won’t affect everyone, but for the many people in the U.S. who are divorced, changes in how alimony payments get taxed could have a huge financial impact, given the roughly $10 billion in such payments that get made every year. With divorces running between roughly 800,000 and 950,000 annually since 2000, there are millions of people who might be able to benefit from some last-minute tax planning — if they can cooperate effectively.
What the tax law did was to change this treatment starting in 2019. For those who get divorced in 2019 or later, all payments between divorced spouses will be treated identically. There’ll be no tax impact from any payment, meaning that the receiving spouse won’t have to include payments as income, and the paying spouse won’t get to deduct anything. That’s a whole lot simpler, and it solves some potential fraud issues. But it does remove a planning opportunity for divorced spouses who are willing to work with each other.
In particular, there are two situations in which it’ll be important for couples to act before the end of 2018. First, if you’re in the process of divorcing, the timing of the final divorce agreement will be crucial. Specify alimony payments and get divorced on or before Dec. 31, and you’ll have the option to effectively transfer taxable income from a spouse in a higher tax bracket to one in a lower tax bracket, saving on taxes overall. That in turn can make it possible for the paying spouse to make larger payments while still ending up ahead on an after-tax basis. On the other hand, if you wait until Jan. 1 to get divorced, that option won’t be available any longer.
Second, if you’re already divorced but the original agreement didn’t include an order for spousal support, the law is ambiguous about how a subsequent order would get treated. Those who already have a spousal support order by the end of 2018 can retain the current-law tax treatment even if that order is modified in or after 2019. But there’s at least some risk that a request for a first-time spousal support order would be treated as first having occurred in 2019 or later, taking away the option of having old-law tax treatment.
Finally, the new law does give divorced spouses who would prefer the new tax treatment to govern their pre-2019 divorce the option of agreeing to adopt the new rules. That’s not necessarily a time-critical issue, as this election can be made at any time. But if circumstances have changed and it makes sense to treat payments between divorced spouses as having no tax impact, it may be that the sooner you do so, the better.
As always, if you or a friend is in danger of missing the December 31st deadline, call the office and we’ll see if we have any available resources in our network that might help.
I came across an article in Divorce Magazine by Susan E. Guthrie that echoed familiar misconceptions that we come across at PeaceTalks, as do many of our colleagues. Here are a few highlights and I’ve provided a link to the entire article, which makes some excellent points:
Almost any divorce case, or really any family law matter, is suitable for mediation and the parties can successfully resolve their issues without the great expense and emotional costs of litigating.”
“The most common misconception that I hear about divorce mediation it that it is onlysuitable for couples that are very amicable.In fact, mediation is also very well suited for helping high-conflict couples work through their differences and reach a reasonable solution.
It may be true that the couple is too emotional to sit down alone, so they work with their mediator, a neutral third party, trained to help them focus on the issues at hand and work together towards a resolution.
At PeaceTalks we team with a lawyer for the legal information, a financial forensicto work through and optimize the asset division, and a therapistto help manage the emotional stress that comes with high conflict cases.
Legal advice is going to be a necessary part of the process; the mediator does notreplace review and input from a lawyer.
All Mediators suggest using consulting lawyers at certain points during the process to enforce their third-party status.
Because the mediator must remain neutral, they cannot give either party advice specific to their individual best interests. Here, a consulting attorney, on a limited, as-needed basis, can provide that specific legal advice to help a party decide how to best move forward in the negotiations.When a draft Separation Agreement is prepared, it is advisable that both parties review that agreement with their own attorney before they sign it. The use of a consulting attorney will cost far less than full-scale divorce litigation representation and is well worth the expense to ensure that both parties are fully advised and supported.
PeaceTalks has a network of attorneys that we rely on whenever a client has a particular need for a specific resource.
In light of the changes in the tax laws and the recent roller coaster volatility in the stock market it might be prudent to talk with your financial advisor about whatever investment assets are attached to your settlement agreement. You can also get feedback and updates related to other nest eggs that are not part of any divorce settlement, which is nevera bad idea.
The division of investment assets can be gnarly and painful so people are getting creative in settling these issues through trading, and exchanging their respective interestsin a mutually agreeable fashion. So identifying and getting a valuation, along with guidance, about your asset options will only aid you in making any changes before the December 31St deadline.
I’ve included some tips from veterans in this field that echo ideas that we’ve heard in our discussions at PeaceTalks with our financial associates.
To understand the value of a retirement account, you need to know how withdrawals will be taxed. In general, there are 2 main types of retirement accounts: traditional and Roth.
In a traditional account, contributions are made before taxes—or you get a tax deduction for the amount contributed if it has already been taxed. Contributions to a Roth account are made after taxes are paid but the benefit is that withdrawals of earnings and contributions in retirement are not taxed.1
Bottom line: $100,000 currently in a Roth is worth more than $100,000 currently in a traditional retirement account simply because of the different tax treatments in each type of account.
When it comes to taxable investments, it’s not about the value you see on your statement, but what you get to keep after taxes.
In general, when dividing investments in a divorce, couples may have options: One option would be to sell investments and divvy up the proceeds. This can have tax consequences. Alternatively, you can generally split the investment holdings. For instance, if 100 shares of stock are part of the marital property to be divided in half, one party gets 50 shares and the other party gets the remaining 50 shares. The IRS allows divorcing spouses to each keep the same cost basis and holding period for an investment they already own. Cost basis is the price at which the investment was originally purchased. Holding period is important because profits from the sale of investments owned for a year or less are taxed at your ordinary income tax rate, while investments held for more than a year are taxed at lower long-term capital gains rates.
Assuming your investment has appreciated, you will end up with less than the sale price—because you have to pay taxes on any gains over the cost basis. Exactly how much will depend on your tax rate, holding period, and cost basis, which can vary for a single investment if you bought shares over time. So, if you’re dividing investments equally, it’s important that the cost basis is divided equally as well—your financial institution or Fidelity representative should be able to help with that.
Of course, other important things to think about with regard to investments are the future prospects for growth or income, your own tolerance for investment risk, your financial needs, and your timeframe for investing.
In addition, periods of market volatility stand to impact capital gains and losses generated from investment assets. The former can create a tax liability (e.g. where a holding is sold for more than its purchase price), whereas generally speaking the latter results in an asset (e.g. where a stock’s sales price is less than its purchase price, thus creating an offset against present or future capital gains).
In high net worth divorce cases often involving millions of dollars of investment assets subject to substantial market gains and losses, it is important in periods of market volatility to recognize that certain holdings may carry positive or negative tax consequences to the litigants. In these circumstances, it is good practice to consult with financial advisors and accountants at even this micro level of asset allocation to ensure that assets and liabilities are being apportioned and allocated as the litigants contemplated, and to avoid an unintended result of one spouse being allocated a vastly disproportionate share of capital gains or losses.
Besides the slight “Dog Bites Man” slant to another celebrity divorce, with the wife paying alimony, I want to highlight another example of the kind of “creative agreements” that PeaceTalks encourages in our mediation strategies.
Alicia Silverstone to Pay Ex Spousal Support
by Brian Hood, Page Six
As part of the couple’s divorce agreement, the “Clueless” star will pay Chris Jarecki $12,000 per month in spousal support, reports TMZ.
But the website adds that the couple agreed to a “cohabitation”clause that could end the payments earlier than expected.
If Jarecki lives with someone for five months within a one-year period, Silverstone, 42, is off the hook for the payments. Normally, one pays spousal support until their ex is married again.
The couple also agreed to share legal and physical custody of 7-year-old son Bear Blu.
At 12K a month it’s easy to see why this kind of insurance would be important to the paying former spouse. While it’s not always possible to find or create the perfect agreement, amazing things are possible if you come to the table with an open mind.
I came across this article and recognized some of the dynamics as themes that we see at PeaceTalks on a regular and all too frequent basis. It sometimes helps if an idea about an important decision process comes from a third party so feel free to share this with anyone.
Why You Stayed in That Unhappy
Relationship for Too Long
By Ian Kerner, CNN
Recent studies suggest that people stay in unsatisfying relationships because they’re concerned about hurting their partner’s feelings.
“In my experience, there are most often underlying fears and insecurities that prevent people from moving forward into a life that might be less comfortable but ultimately happier and more authentic. These couples tend to settle into a ‘good enough’ relationship,” sex therapist Holly Richmond said. “But there is almost always a point where it’s obvious that not good enough is truly not good enough, and it causes more harm to the unhappy person to stay than it would to their partner if they left.”
Concerns about children, finances, friends, lifestyle and standing in the community can also influence the decision to stay together. “In my practice, I see clients who stay in relationships because they’re worried they won’t find another partner, while others remain because they don’t want to deprive their children from having the other parent in their day-to-day life,” sex therapist Sari Cooper said.
But staying in an unhappy relationship doesn’t do anyone any favors, sex therapist Kristen Lilla said. “Staying because you don’t want to hurt someone else is selfish because it takes away the other person’s agency to make a decision,” she explained. “You are deciding that your partner will not be OK without you, so you stay with them out of pity.”
These are a few examples of why we make sure that anyone that comes to PeaceTalks has access to a behavioral health professional in case a “need to talk to someone” situation needs some support. We understand the process that determines the decision and your first call might need to be to someone other than a lawyer in order to make an informed decision.
I hope we all have a happy and safe holiday in the midst of whatever inevitable stress pops up. If you have contact with any young people that are suddenly curious about politics and what some other kids are up to here’s a couple of links to one example. (“Teens In Politics”) It might resonate just enough to spur even some unlikely individuals to click and get surprised, and certainly worth the effort.
Good Luck and Great Family Time.
I came across an article by Jill Stanley, who covers celebrity legal stories, as to why some celebrities choose mediation for their divorce process. Using some couples from Malibu as a general backdrop she covers a few of these reasons that really can apply to any amicable couple looking to avoid costly litigation. PeaceTalks has handled agreements for celebrities and they have the same goals and speed bumps and are just as appreciative after filing their agreement as regular couples. You might be hearing some stories at Thanksgiving that present an opportunity to pass along the idea to the right people.
Mediation is quicker and less expensive than full-blown litigation.
LA power lawyers are pricey, charging their celeb clients upwards of $750.00 per hour. Even stars with a net worth in the hundreds of millions of dollars don’t want to throw out money. So while clients generally have lawyers throughout mediation, the process is much, much quicker than traditional litigation thanks to less stringent rules regarding documentation, evidence and testimony. This quicker process means that not only do parties save money, but they also reduce the pain and stress on the family. It is well known that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck turned to mediation in order to keep their children’s best interests as top priority when the couple opted for mediation when working out visitation, custody and other matters related to their three children.
(PeaceTalks has a relationship with a group of lawyers that assist in the mediation process on an as-needed basis.)
Mediation is Private.
Divorce is messy for everyone but with celebrities these matters often involve salacious tales of drugs, cheating, bad judgment, and, not to mention, disclosures of financial details. So, it is no surprise these clients, perhaps more than average Joes and Janes, want to keep these matters private. Celebrity couples going through a divorce can harness some sense of security by knowing that mediation is confidential and that by staying out of court their family’s private life remains just that–private. Though other factors were at play, it is thanks to the confidentiality of mediation that the details of Tom Cruise’s three divorces are nowhere to be found. Without that, imagine the details and drama about Mimi, Nicole and Katie’s lives that would be out there in the public domain.
(PeaceTalks works under a basis of complete confidentiality)
Mediation offers a distinct path to settlement.
The goal of mediation is to settle amicably. Trace and Rhonda Atkins divorce is a great example of how mediation can coax a settlement. Their divorce, stemming from Trace’s years of boozing and womanizing began intensely with Rhonda demanding a settlement worth nearly $20 million. But instead of engaging in an aggressive, drawn out legal battle, she soon sought dismissal of the case, and the couple proceeded with mediation. A private compromise was reached and family was spared further trauma and exposure along with a quicker path to a mutually agreeable settlement.
(This is exactly the path PeaceTalks follows with every couple)
Whether you are in or out of a divorce, the holidays are challenging enough without constant pictures of hellfire and smoky air in your eyes. It can be tough find time in order to target the most effective channel for giving help during a catastrophe and our fires are no exception. I’m passing along some very practical advice from an article in MarketWatch (Alessandra Malito) that focuses on feedback from the professionals, “on the ground”, after a few days of initial responses.
Darrell Steinberg, mayor of Sacramento, tweeted:
“Americans are rushing to donate supplies, food and clothes to help victims. But organizations including the American Red Cross and the Humane Society say victims need cash more than anything else.
We all want to help the victims of the #CampFire, but please don’t send supplies, as the evacuation centers say they have been inundated. Those working on the front lines say giving to the @RedCross or @Habitat_org is the best way to help”
“After a disaster hits, the American Red Cross witnesses the incredible generosity of people from across the country who want to help in any way they can with donations of items like clothes, shoes, food and household items, but the reality is, cash donations are best,” the Red Cross said in a statement.
In Southern California, where the Woolsey Fire has ravaged communities, the Humane Society of Ventura County said it was stocked with supplies, but will need more money for items like pet food. Actress Sandra Bullock donated $100,000 to HSVC, which is caring for cats, dogs, donkeys, pigs, horses, chickens, ducks and other pets displaced by the fire. (The organization will care for these animals until the owners can reunite with them, it said.)
If you have kids they’ll probably want to follow Sandra’s lead, as they look at thousands of frightened pets, think of their own, and want to give some thanks for being safe.
If you or someone you know is in dire straits trying to get divorce-related materials filed by December 31St call the PeaceTalks office and we’ll tell you if we know of any available resources that might be of immediate assistance.
There was an article in the Sunday LA Times by Ben Steverman of Bloomberg News with some very clear advice from some divorce professionals that have been doing this for a long time.
His article was written before the fires started devastating the lives of thousands of our fellow Californians. PeaceTalks and every other mediation group I know of will help with emergency paperwork in concert with any attorneys to get something in place by December 31St. Everyone will do their bit. Good luck.
When a rich couple splits, divorce attorney Lowell Sucherman gets blunt:
“Look, I’ve been doing this for 50 years,” he says early in the negotiations. “I know how this case is going to come out within a few dollars.” Find a fair way to settle quickly, he says, and you can save enough in legal fees to send your kid to college. Or you can fight tooth and nail, he adds, “and I’ll send my grandchildren to college.” His warnings work only some of the time.
Michael Stutman, a partner at Stutman, Stutman & Lichtenstein in Manhattan, said he’s seeing more feuding couples open to negotiation as the alimony deduction deadline looms.
“When you’ve got people pretty close to an agreement, the specter of losing that benefit is pushing people together.”
Stutman is handling a divorce for a real estate mogul, and it’s taking a long time for two skilled forensic accountants to untangle the family’s holdings. The couple is “beside themselves” with how long it’s taking, he said.
Peter Walzer of Walzer Melcher, a law firm in Los Angeles. said:
“Still, there may be a workaround. If a settlement agreement, which often includes alimony terms, is reached by the end of this year, many divorce lawyers said, that would probably be sufficient to still get the alimony tax break. But that isn’t airtight, and there could be issues if the agreement is altered in the future.”
Chris Chen of Insight Financial Strategists, a firm specializing in post-divorce financial planning said:
“The difference between getting a divorce finalized this year and waiting until later is significant, especially among people with high incomes.
A chief executive living in New York City who is divorcing a stay-at-home mom would pay about $35,000 in child support for their two young kids. If he makes $1 million a year and agrees to pay her $360,000 in alimony, the 2019 rule change could cost them about $23,000 annually in higher taxes, according to an analysis by Chris Chen of Insight Financial Strategists, a firm specializing in post-divorce financial planning.”
The alimony change puts even more year-end pressure on divorce lawyers, judges and clerks. It’s not clear whether courthouses will be able to handle the extra crush of paperwork.
“They’re going to have a hard time processing all these judgments” said Peter Walzer.
Just to be safe, lawyers are getting paperwork in as soon as possible.
If you have kids that have been affected by the shooting in Thousand Oaks, or the fires that eventually threatened Malibu and you are looking for referrals please call the PeaceTalks office. We have associates and contacts throughout the area and some professionals themselves are going to be hampered by local conditions.
Some local therapists might be challenged to meet the demand created by the double whammy of both human and mother natures gone very wrong. Many people in our network of contacts have already chimed in as to being ready to make some time available when necessary.
All this might delay preparations for making the December 31St filing deadline. If you get in a bind and are worried please call the office and we’ll tell you if we can be of help.
Good luck to all of you.
For people screening referrals they have received to mediation services some questions are best dealt with at the very beginning of the process. Even couples that may have already made a choice often benefit from getting some issues settled before the start of actual preparation and negotiation.
Is the first consultation free?
PeaceTalks does not charge for an initial session. We think of it as an opportunity for the clients to feel sure they will be comfortable with us as the mediator and for PeaceTalks to make sure that the case is appropriate for the mediation services we offer.
How Long Will The Whole Thing Take?
Most mediation cases are finalized within six months. There are different schedules reflecting the number of issues involved, mainly custody and support especially when there are children involved. After sitting and talking for about forty-five minutes we can usually project a likely outside completion date.
How much will it cost? Is a retainer involved or installments?
We will be able to narrow down a cost for you at our initial meeting and PeaceTalks has found that a lot of potential clients are struggling financially. Many clients come to us already in debt and now having two households is an additional burden. We find that having clients pay as they go helps to keep them in control of the cost.
When you’re ready to talk give us a call and we’ll find a convenient time for the rest of your questions.
From the time that the emotional separation begins on the path to a divorce there will be transition period while still sharing the house and marking the beginning of the co-parenting puzzle maze.
Professionals reiterate that that with the right effort, on both parts, this transition can be smoother and less disruptive to the kids. Setting up and following the same mutually agreed upon guidelines that will eventually be in place after the divorce is finalized can help. Here are a few suggestions that have common threads from all advisors about making the co-parenting process a supportive one from the real start of the emotional separation through to a new life after the settlement.
The first signs of the end of a marriage unleash anger, anxiety and fear. This is normal, and these feelings will subside. In the meantime be good to yourself. Research suggests that people taking care of their own emotional needs have an easier time managing the day-to-day difficulties of divorce.
It’s not a battle. Divorce mediation is often a better alternative to litigation and spending time in court. Research shows that mediation can be beneficial for emotional satisfaction, spousal relationships and children’s needs.
Talking with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse may be the last thing you want to do, but communication makes divorce healthier and easier for everyone involved. Wait until you’re feeling calm and write down the points you want to discuss. Use the list as your guide. It helps take the emotion out of face-to-face confrontations. . We suggest listening and presenting requests for the future instead of trying to find the blame or what went wrong in the relationship.
Parents can ease the child’s transition by keeping conflict away from the kids. Parental conflict increases the risk of psychological problems for kids. Come up with a mutually agreed upon plan and present it to the children together and keep the lines of communication open. Kids benefit from having conversations about the changes their family is experiencing.Kids also do better when they maintain close contact with both parents.
Tap into your support network, turning to family and friends for assistance and comfort.
Formal support groups can also help you cope with the many emotions of a marriage ending.
You may benefit from speaking to a psychologist to help deal with their emotions and adjust to the changes. Psychologists can also help you think carefully about what went wrong in your marriage so you can heal and avoid repeating any negative patterns in your next relationship.
If you think it’s time to talk to someone please contact my office and we’ll explore your options.
For anyone that is still facing the December 31 deadline for filing here’s some possible relief from some of that anxiety.
A lot of people have come to Peace Talks worried, in part, about the alimony change in the new tax laws and what they have to do by December 31 to maximize their benefits going into 2019. There may be a way to avoid spoiling your holidays by having to deal with a mountain of paperwork. It’s not for everybody but it may work for you and Peace Talks can help you determine if it’s the right option for you.
These are some highlights from an article by John Fiske a veteran with 30 years of mediation experience. You’ll need to consult someone to verify that this strategy could work for you and at Peace Talks this is part of what we do every day.
“We can only imagine the conversations we will be having in December with clients who call us looking for a divorce and learn they have less than a month to write a separation agreement if they want to preserve the ability of the payer of alimony to exclude the payments from his or her taxable income.
What if we could write a simple “placeholder” Separation Agreement to be executed before the end of this December, wherein one or both spouses agree to pay a defined amount a month to the other as alimony subject to an agreement of modification which defines all the terms of their divorce, including the alimony agreement, in a Separation Agreement to be filed in court in 2019 for approval?”
“Section 11051 of the TCAJA reads as follows: The amendments made by this section shall apply to any divorce or separation instrument executed on or before such date and modified after such date if the modification expressly provides that the amendments made by this section apply to such modification.”
“Since Section 11051 states that any divorce or separation instrument executed before December 31, 2018 is not affected by TCAJA and such an Agreement may be modified after that date, all that is needed is the signed Separation Agreement.”
“So the clear language of TCAJA does not require court approval or a divorce filing in court before December 31, 2018 if you have a written separation agreement that preserves the alimony exclusion. This step appears to satisfy the federal statute and gives people time to work out a sensible Separation Agreement without ruining their holidays.
Based on this analysis I will be suggesting to my mediating clients that if they want to have taxable and excludable alimony in their Agreement they consider writing a simple divorce or separation”
“You should sleep better knowing that you need not take away any remaining holiday spirit and activities in order to rush to sign more than a Separation Agreement before the end of 2018.”
I’m encouraging everybody here at PeaceTalks and in our extended family and social circle to keep in touch on Election Day and into the night. If things go well it will be a rare chance for even divorced couples to “reach across the aisle” and show the kids what cooperation and unity of purpose can accomplish. If things go “south”then we get to experience that “misery loves company” thing.
After you’ve voted if you’d like to do something for the victims of the massacre at the Pittsburgh synagogue I’ve provided a link below along with a quote from the sponsors of the fund.
This is a brilliant example of the way that most people feel in this country and a perfect rebuke to the “fear mongering” coming from the White House. The fact that this gesture is coming from the Muslim communityproves that the spirit of this country is as alive as it always has been no matter what trumped up lies are conjured up to divide us. Let the kids see, learn and encourage one another to pay attention, vote and avoid complacency like the plague.
Muslim Groups Raise Thousands for Pittsburgh Synagogue Shooting Victims
MUSLIMS: Let us stand with our Jewish cousins against this senseless, anti-Semitic murder. Guided by our faith, @CelebrateMercy & @MPower_Changeask you respond to evil with good. Donate here now to help shooting victims with funeral expenses and medical bills.
Understanding different types of retirement assets, and the costs and taxes associated with each, when liquidated, can help you make informed decisions. Always consult with your financial and tax advisors during the decision making process especially before a liquidation.
To help ensure that you reach an agreement that is equitable to both of you, it’s important to know what you have now and understand how your agreement could impact your income, and lifestyle years after the divorce. You can’t direct the investment process for social security but you should be overseeing and getting advice about your IRA’s.
To understand their value, you need to know how withdrawals will be taxed from both traditional and Roth accounts. In a traditional account, contributions are made before taxes, so you get a tax deduction for the amount contributed if it has already been taxed. Contributions to a Roth account are made after taxes are paid but withdrawals of earnings and contributions in retirement are not taxed. We, of course, might see more changes to the tax code.
As an example, right now, $100,000 currently in a Roth account is worth more than $100,000 currently in a traditional retirement account simply because of the different tax treatments in each type of account.
This can be really complicated, especially when you have to deal with corporate 401K accounts. If this is something that needs attention in the life of your family and you need a suggestion please call the office and we’ll be happy to talk with you about some professionals we trust.
Dividing Debts in Divorce
One of the bad surprises that we see in the divorce process is the amount of money that is owed by both parties as individuals, and as a couple. This can be gnarly and painful and needs professional help to ensure accuracy. A person’s responsibility for any debt the couple has incurred during their marriage can only be properly addressed when you know how much you owe and to whom.
At PeaceTalks we suggest you order your credit report from each of the three credit reporting agencies: Equifax, Experian and TransUnion. Your credit report will reveal what is owed including joint accounts with your spouse.
Once you identify which debts are shared and which are in your nameonly, you need to prevent them from growing any larger while you’re getting divorced. It’s best to cancel shared accounts leaving one card in your name in case of emergencies.
Now it’s time to decide who will be responsible for what debt. Here are a couple of examples of strategies that PeaceTalks suggests for dealing with debt in a divorce.
If you have assets you can sell, pay off the debts now. You won’t have to worry about his/her portion of the debt, and you can start again, debt-free.
One can also exchange an equitable amount of debt for assets from the division of your property. This is another example of where mediation can be a much faster and less expensive process for reaching a satisfactory agreement.
If you think you might have overlooked something in preparing for your divorce please contact the office with your question.
I get a kick out of how many people come to Peace Talks and talk about their divorce concerns and situations referencing plot lines from television shows. Being in Los Angeles that makes sense even though it may have nothing to do with the reality outside the studio walls.
The messages we get from television about families and relationships actually do hit a nerve when it gets realand familiar.
One show recently portrayed the wife of the main character leaving him and taking the kids. This is not an unheard of scenario even in mediation, but it does send the message that some things need to be addressed in marriage sooner rather than later.
How to address the underlying problems that caused the divorce is dealt with in another T.V. Show “Divorce” with Sarah Jessica Parker.
As Carrie Bradshaw on Sex And The City, she helped change the perception of single women on television. Her comedy series in which she plays a woman going through a messy break-up, hopes to do the same for divorced women as well as men. The message here seems to be an echo of many divorce specialists’ words of wisdom about identifying and accepting responsibility for adjustable negative behavior. Her character, Frances, has finalized her divorce and is now contemplating the next chapter of her life, including dating again and launching her own business, but it dawns on her that simply being rid of a broken marriage will not solve everything.
If you think you might need to talk please contact us and we’ll find some time and make some suggestions about additional resources.
Peace Talks, by definition, gives people the opportunity to talk about everything that is relevant to reaching an amicable agreement. This applies, as well, to all the legal advisors that come to our mediation table. We get to listen to the perspective of the lawyer in many different types of divorce situations representing a wide range of individual styles. Many of these lawyers have shared personal “secrets” about advice they offer, and techniques they employ, that help ensure the best results for a client. If anything you see provokes a question about your situation please contact the office to find a time to talk that is mutually convenient.
“Don’t think assets in your name can’t be claimed by your spouse in a divorce. “Almost all assets are divisible, including airline miles.”
“It’s going to cost more money”. More often than not, the costs will often be higher than your lawyer’s original estimate.
Contested divorces cost anywhere from $15,000 to $30,000, which is the primary reason for the suggestion of mediation.
“Solo practitioners may not be able to give you the level of attention you need from your lawyer and costs may compel you to live very frugally, necessitating some dramatic cuts in expenditures”
While it is dispiriting, to “downsize” it’s better totemporarily cut corners in your lifestyle than miss opportunities in getting a faster, favorable outcome.
“Lawyer fees may be negotiable.” This doesn’t mean an attorney will always be willing to lower their fees, but for mediation cases there is usually a different fee schedule.
“If your divorce is uncontested, then you may be able to perform several parts of it on your own.” This means that you and your spouse agree on child custody, spousal support, child support, visitation, and division of property. This would be the ideal circumstance for mediation.
“You may still decide to retain an attorney, but their role will be limited to the navigation of court procedures.” The mediation team handles the paperwork to save time and money.
“An initial retainer fee does not equate to the actual cost of handling a divorce matter”. It is only an advance on work undertaken by the attorney and does not represent the thirty thousand dollar threshold reached by most divorce cases.
“That you should meet with multiple attorneys”
One secret your divorce lawyer doesn’t want you to know is that it is extremely beneficial to have multiple consultations. As with all partnerships it has to be a good fit and you have to sit down with someone to decide that for yourself. We have introduced many clients to people they eventually selected for representation.
Fortunately, most of the couples we see at Peace Talks are already focused on the common goal of an amicable agreement, the only choice that is always best for the children. One of the first things we do is help set up a structure for times and places and the necessary exchanges to be performed. There is still always work to be done as far as all the holidays, and vacations, that are in addition to the day-to-day coordination of school or day care handoffs. In order to solve just this part of the “Rubik’s Divorce Cube” it takes cooperation and patience, never mind the inevitable emotional twists that come with raising children in a house divided.
We see what has worked for some couples trying to do the right thing for the kids and hopefully, in our mediations, pass along those learned experiences. There are strong similarities in the suggestions and examples that experts point to in describing various positive co-parenting tools but it all seems to point towards findingyour own style. What works for you and your kids will always be best for the family.
Parents can usually sort out whatever comes up when they work as a team. When Flexibility, Consistency, Courtesy and Consideration are shown by both parents it creates a safer environment for resilient development on the part of the children. It also works to prevent playing one parent against the other, an almost “goes without saying”for nearly all children of divorce.
Divorce Counseling is something that many couples have discovered as a helpful tool that also incorporates a team approach which, in turn, reinforces that sense of consistency.They find this sort of counseling helpful as it gives them a place where it is ok to talk, for the sake of the children, without the influence of the children”
One thing that isn’t often talked about, but it’s more important than parents may realize. When you’ve dropped your kids off with your ex, it means you have something few parents ever do: free time.This is the time to go out with friends or take in a grown-up movie. Taking some personal time can help you be the best parent possible for your kids.
Keeping sometraditions after the divorce takes work but it all seems to help everybody at some level. As we move into the holiday season if you have some questions about what may help your situation please give the office a call.
Recently, I’ve been encountering a lot of feedback related to people “rushing” to a divorce, before being informed, as to what needs to be done ahead of time. Here are some of the recurring themes that many therapists and advisors caution about when facing this decision. At Peace Talks we offer discernment counseling to help you decide whether to get divorced. We believe the most important agreement is HOW you go through the process and we offer a free orientation to learn all the options.
Most couples starting a divorce are unprepared and this lack of preparedness can cause a marriage to end prematurely or deteriorate into a competition.
Pondering divorce for a long time before acting on it buys into the false belief that they’ve thought about it thoroughly and are ready.
There is a natural tendency for people to want to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible in order to move on with their lives.
At Peace Talks, as with all mediation specialists, one of our first considerations is finding the proper guide to help deal with the inevitable stress and emotional difficulties to come. The right professional help with the intangibles is at leastas important as the financials. Having someone who’s objective and experienced advising you through these difficulties can be invaluable. It’s all too easy for anger to take control without a co-pilot.
Once you feel after you have sought professional help for a few months and accepted your own responsibility, that a divorce is the right choice, thenmake a plan. Many therapists are suggesting mediation instead of litigation when appropriate to spare the patient money and pain. For people that come to us from a lawyer or financial advisor we have a group of therapists listed on our website.
If you’d like to ask some questions about your situation please contact the office anytime.
Here are a few of the questions that come up most often when people are their evaluating their options in relation to the divorce process. If you have some questions about your own situation please contact the office anytime.
How can I avoid going to court?
If you use a mediation service the court will be provided with what is known as a stipulated judgment, and you never have to appear before a judge. At Peace Talks we use a service to hand deliver all court paperwork to the court.
Does Divorce Mean We Have to Sell the House(s) or Can We Still Own Property Together?
In mediation the parties are free to decide between themselves how they wish to dispose of marital assets. Parties who were once married can continue to own property together as single people. Just the same way that people who were never married can own property together as “partners”. In mediation we will discuss how to continue to co-own.
How Much Dpousal Support Do I Get?
Spousal support is not based on a formula. Spousal support is the result of the careful weighing of the factors set forth in family code §4320. What happens in mediation is that the parties negotiate together so that in light of the applicable resources, income/expenses and needs, a workable, mutually agreeable, solution is arrived at. At Peace Talks we use divorce financial planning software to help you optimize your financial situation.
Can We Provide for Shared Custody of Our Pets?
Yes, although courts of law are traditionally reluctant to get involved in “custody battles” involving animals, parties in mediation are free to make any agreements they choose and that agreement will become the order of the court.
(Note that CA Gov. Jerry Brown just signed Assembly Bill 2274 that affects this process in the court system.)
Hear Ye Hear Ye, but don’t believe “Ye”, as Mr. West now wants to be called by his fans, some of whom might be your kids. The untelevised pro-Trump rant, while wearing a red MAGA hat, will eventually be seen and heard and should be put into some sort of context. Whether single or co-parenting the dirty work of explainingunusual behavior by popular icons has to be done without foisting an opinion on anyone. Kids need to draw their own conclusions, and should, as long as they have factual material as an information source.
This is not about censorship. Even if you don’t agree with someone, it’s ok, as long as the disagreement is based in reality and not in “Reality TV”. Speaking of which, it will be interesting to see if Kim (Mrs. “Ye”) Kardashian, will be morebothered by being “Trumped” than she was while watching the show. Is this first celebrity Trump-related divorce in the making-who knows but is someone is designing a“Make America Grope Again” hat?
This could be a rare opportunity for some effort to go towards an actual common goal, as impossible as that can be for some separated families. We stay away from politics for very good reasons but right now our futures seem to dictate that we stay clear on what we really want for our kids, and do whatever is possible.
David Garrick, The San Diego Union-Tribune
The term “accelerated divorces” got my attention yesterday when an edited version of this article appeared in the Los Angeles Times. The indications, from 2018 first-half data, are that there may be even more of a scheduling problem than was anticipated.
“Attorneys and judges are scrambling to finalize a flood of accelerated divorces prompted by new federal tax laws that eliminate the spousal support deduction starting Jan. 1.”
Even if your situation does not involve spousal support, you may be affected, as that mutual benefit prompted a rush of divorce filings before June 30, because a divorce can’t be finalized in California until at least six months after proceedings begin. In response, San Diego Superior Court officials say they expect an increase in divorce cases, and have begun clearing a backlog of judgments so they will be ready.
The article doesn’t go into mediation but one time that it can come in handy is when a quickagreement is necessary:
“There is also a caveat to the Dec. 31 deadline to finalize divorces. Through a process called bifurcation, a couple can agree on the spousal support portion of the settlement and get it approved by a judge even if other parts of the divorce remain unsettled.”
The article is worth a read and if you are concerned about something please contact us and we’ll tell you if there’s any way we can be of help.
The overwhelming feeling of failureis almost impossible to avoid when divorce becomes a reality. We see this even in mediation where both parties are in agreement and it is, of course, worse for those in long litigations. The difficulties that accompany this feeling can lead to more uncertainty in making important valuations and decisions during the process.
This interview with Hal Runkel, a marriage and family therapist, makes some excellent points about shaping a positive viewpoint on the situation. What makes mediation different is the choice to “take control” of the process instead of leaving it up to a third party.
Here are a few key ideas from the interview:
“Marriage, he told me, ” is perfectly designed to help you grow up. It challenges your blind spots.”
Marriage will expose your selfishness.
What sometimes happens is that one or both partners change so drastically that they come to the realization that their marriage isn’t helping them live the life they want.
Making a mature decision in that direction may be the best outcome of all.
Shana Lebowitz Senior Reporter, Strategy (Business Insider)
These two terms are being tossed around a lot as people prepare to meet the December 31st deadline for divorce related paperwork and try to avoid going to court. I’ve left a link to an article by Armita Azad from Mediate.com that gives a clear, concise look at the differences between the two from the participants’ point of view.
Here are a few highlights that I think are important and as always, if you need a hand with clarifying something, please give me a call
“MediatioIn and arbitration play a role in resolving disputes outside of the court. These methods of conflict resolution are tailored to the trend of judicial relief and assist parties into resolving disputes according to the party’s needs. They take in account personal or business priorities and interests that no court judgement is able of addressing.
In arbitration, a judge and jury decides the merits of the case based on the law and facts that may lead to one sided results; and has become more adversarial in the sense that the parties are obliged to proceed with both their lawyers and a third-party decision maker that will impose the judgement.
The whole idea of mediation is to use a neutral third party to facilitate a deal amongst the parties. It has the advantage of reorienting parties towards each other, not by imposing rules on them. It assists the parties with achieving a new-shared perception of their relationship with an innovative view that will redirect their attitudes towards each other. When parties mediate, their relationships can be restored.”
Every now and then even a “general” survey can be of use for a “specific” purpose. Dr. Grande highlights four common stress sources, from the Harris Interactive survey, for couples today and two of them are about sex. The other two are about money, (surprise! surprise!), making it and spending it. There is no delineation made as to whether a divorce was involved, by either partner, but the issues transcend marital history, as stress is a problem before and after separation of any kind.
For example, the issue with what can go wrong when you can’t leave the work-related stress behind before you hit the front door is universal.
The suggestion she makes about de-stressing during the commute is one I’ve heard from professionals echoing the mantra of simply turning off the phone for at least thirty minutes prior to your arrival. Good luck with that.
There are no simple fixes for complicated matters but be assured that noprogress will happen without a dialogue. If meeting with someone is not possible then look into an online consultation so that you can explore all your options.
If you need some help contact my office anytime.
The Top 4 Stressors for Couples Today
A recent survey identifies the most common problems.
by Dianne Grande Ph.D.
1. Work-related stress was identified as a key factor in relationship conflicts by 35 percent of the respondents.
“Depending upon the type of commute you have, you may even be able to de-stress on your way home.”
2. Being too tired for sex was identified as a key factor by 33 percent of those who completed the interview.
“You can plan times when you are least likely to be tired.”
3. Low sex drive was identified by 28 percent of respondents as a key cause of stress in their relationship.
“One common underlying problem may be a negative body image-shift your thoughts and focus on what you like about yourself, rather than the flaws you perceive.”
4. Arguments about money were identified by 27 percent of the respondents as key to their distress as a couple.
“It is far healthier to equalize power than to use money in order to assert control over a partner.”
I don’t know how to get the kids more sleep but this letter certainly presents a solid case for making it a cooperative priority whenever physically possible.
This response to an LA Times editorial about adjusting school start times to favor the biorhythms of students made a strong case but will face enormous resistance from the establishment.
I’ve added a link to getting a library card as most health professionals suggest avoiding electronic screens for thirty minutes or so prior to sleeping.
To the editor: Your editorial, “It’s too early to move all California middle and high schools to a later start,” ignored the overwhelming body of research showing the definitive benefits of more sleep for students — something researchers have known for more than 25 years, much of which has been reported in the Los Angeles Times dating back at least to 1997.
Furthermore, the editorial contradicts itself, stating, on one hand, that “better sleep for teenagers is associated with improved mood, higher academic achievement and reduced rates of drinking and drug use,” while also claiming the research does not make a convincing case for delaying California’s middle- and high-school start times.
Although we know from hundreds of different school districts that students and communities benefit when classes start at 8:30 a.m., adult interests have prevented most local districts from acting on this knowledge for a generation. That is why California’s SB 328 is a landmark piece of public health legislation. It empowers every district to start at times that align with the biological sleep shift in the adolescent brain, enabling all students across California’s socioeconomic divide to obtain more sleep and, as a result, stay in school, do better academically and live healthier, safer, more successful lives.
Amy R. Wolfson, Ph.D, Baltimore
Judith Owens, MD, Cambridge, Mass.
Rafael Pelayo, MD, Stanford, Calif.
Terra Ziporyn Snider, Ph.D, Severna Park, Md.
Wolfson is a professor of psychology at Loyola University Maryland, Owens is a professor of neurology and director of the Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders at Harvard, Pelayo is a clinical professor at the Stanford Center for Sleep Science and Medicine, and Terra Ziporyn Snider is executive director of the group Start School Later.
A lot of us will start booking planes, trains and medications in preparation for November 22 when we get reminded that we all were once, literally in the same boat(s), so to speak.
There have been a lot of stories about divided family gatherings back in November 2016 and now coming full circle to Thanksgiving 2018.
Of course given recent events there are reasons to believe that there will less vitriol from fewer people as most people now agree that the emperor has clothes but no clue. Still there will some differences of opinionand it will be to experience family disagreementwithout disengagement.
A friend sent me a piece from The Scientific American by Lydia Denworth that very nicely juxtaposes the atmosphere at the turkey dinnertable in 1976 with 2016. Maybe something in the piece will come in handy in avoiding discomfortor frustration before it really kicks into gear. In her words:
“Mixing family and politics has always been fraught. I know—my mother was a Democrat, my father a Republican. The night Jimmy Carter won the presidency, dad slept in the guest room. For the U.S., the bitter campaign that ushered in Pres. Donald Trump in 2016 was a lot like that of 1976 in my house. Many families were politically divided, and the calendar forced the issue: The cherished American holiday Thanksgiving came just days after the election.
Anecdotal reports suggest family feasts that year were less festive than usual, with many Americans struggling to sit across the table from relatives whom they knew had voted for a candidate they loathed. Now there is hard data showing political polarization caused quite a few people to skip the pie. A new study published this week in Science reveals families with mixed politics spent 20 to 50 minutes fewer at the table than politically like-minded groups.
Even the amount of the difference was partisan: Republicans left earlier than Democrats (some by more than an hour); Democrats were more likely not to go at all. The effect was three times stronger in areas with heavy political advertising. Overall, partisan differences cost Americans 73.6 million person-hours of family time that Thanksgiving, the study says.”
One of the most frustrating constants we see in Divorce Mediation is that a surprising percentage of the children involved will have adjustment issues that will need to be addressed by a an outside specialist. It’s a difficult decision point to face as I can bear witness to in my own life.
Now matter how amiable the atmosphere may be, somekids are going to have a tough time with the divorce and its personal consequences. These conflicts will continue so the tone that is set will be important in the years, and with the adjustments, to come as situations change.
The therapists I work with emphasize the importance of not hesitating to make a call, explore situational options, and talk to someone. It’s only through a dialogue that you will find the right person for your child and for you. Your insurance will dictate your institutional choices but there may be private avenues to explore that are accessible through personal connections.
If you’d like some suggestions for yourself or a friend contact my office about some associate referrals.
Of all the issues that come up with co-parenting “families of divorce” none are as insidious or downright ugly as “matters of money”. Having attained status as a C.F.P. over the years, I witnessed some of the acrimony the author describes and she is, unfortunately, not exaggerating.
The end of the year will often be an important “plumb line” for decisions about finances and investment assets, in particular. So with the changes to Alimony Payments along with some other adjustments in the Tax Code there might be a few unpleasant surprises that warrant discussion and, as the author points out, a lawyer’s office may not facilitate thebest overall result. If you, or anyone you know, comes into a situation like this and help might be needed please contact me with your questions.
Here is the link to an article by Carolyn Rosenblatt in which she advises F.A.’s to consider a mediator if and when they come up against a real struggle.
Sometimes it’s fighting between parents and the next generation. Sometimes it’s sibling conflictsthat have existed for many years. Unresolved family disputes can destroy successful intergenerational wealth transfer with or without a family business at stake. When you’re managing the money, it can feel like torture seeing your clients behave so destructively. Expensive lawsuits or standoffs that damage businesses the family is arguing aboutcan threaten the very work you’ve done over time. You’ve tried to preserve wealth and keep families on track. They can ruin your best efforts.
Mediation is one underutilized way to resolve conflicts. You may be able to help your clients by suggesting mediation and finding a good mediator.
It starts with the help of a trained and qualified mediator who understands conflict resolution principles as a professional. The purpose isn’t to change any individual’s personal traits; rather, it’s to see if the family can come to some rules of engagement on the path to reaching agreements on specific issues. Focus isn’t on who’s right or wrong. It’s on the tasks at hand. Reaching an agreement about division of authority can be a major step forward.
Based on my own experience over many years of being an advocate at mediation in lawsuits, I saw that most of the time, matters get settled by the mediation process.
Perhaps the greatest benefit of a family mediation is that the underlying emotions that typically drive the conflict can come to the surface in a neutral setting. The mediator guides the discussion and helps each party identify and clarify what they want, guiding them to their own solutions. Generally, this isn’t something they can do on their own. They’re too caught up in resentment, anger, fear or other feelings.
This article by Dr. Halem seemed very timely as we hit the Labor Day weekend and all too soon will be staring Halloween and Thanksgiving in the face. I really liked what she said about keeping you informed after your mediation is finished.
Here are a few highlights and a link to the entire article along with reminder that help is available if you get stuck with a question.
Dr. Lynne C. Halem is the director at the Centre for Mediation & Dispute Resolution in Wellesley, MA
Helping you stay informed, even after mediation has ended, is a central part of CMDR’S long-term mission.
Child Tax Credit:
For children under 17, single parents earning up to $200,000 can receive a credit of $2,000 per child. This is a major improvement. Prior law limited parental earnings to $75,000 and provided a credit of only $1,000 per child.
529 Education Plans:
The new law allows parents to draw up to $10,000/year from 529 Plan(s) for pre-college private schooling or, say, tutoring. There is still no limitation on the amount of money to be drawn from 529 Plans for qualified college expenses.
Other Education Provisions:
You can still deduct student loan interest of up to $2,500/year. The Lifetime Learning deduction is also still in effect.”
Even people that did not agree with John McCain about public policy had to admire him for his service and for having the cajones to stand up to bullies.
If your kids are video game enthusiasts and seem in any way disturbed by the tragedy in Jacksonville don’t hesitate to stop and let them talk or ask questions. You may not have enough answers and be looking for resources. Whether you are co-parenting or not this is something that needs attention.
I came across a really clear and concise encapsulation of the “gun problem” in our country today. It might come in handy for your older kids but the younger ones will need as much attention as any and all “parental units” can provide. This is, of course, the first shooting “Live Streamed”to be seen and heard by anyone with the proper access. How many kids were watching isn’t known yet. Here’s the link and a few facts:
“The research, compiled by the Harvard School of Public Health’s Injury Control Research Center, is pretty clear: After controlling for variables such as socioeconomic factors and other crime, places with more guns have more gun deaths. Researchers have found this to be true not just with homicides, but also with suicides (which in recent years were around 60 percent of US gun deaths), domestic violence, and even violence against police.
But as far as homicides go, people with mental illnesses are more likely to be victims, not perpetrators, of violence. And Michael Stone, a psychiatrist at Columbia University who maintains a database of mass shooters, wrote in a 2015 analysis that only 52 out of the 235 killers in the database, or about 22 percent, had mental illnesses. “The mentally ill should not bear the burden of being regarded as the ‘chief’ perpetrators of mass murder,” he concluded. Other research has backed this up.
None of that is to say that milder measures are useless. Connecticut’s law requiring handgun purchasers to first pass a background check and obtain a license, for example, was followed by a 40 percent drop in gun homicides and a 15 percent reduction in handgun suicides.”
If you’d like to contact people in the government to let them know how you feel here is a link:
This recent article from Divorce Magazine caught my attention because it highlights a very real problem that plagues a significant percentage of divorces in general.
I have heard some long-time professionals suggest that some of the angst in the White House is related to post-divorce health problems on a multiple scale.
One of the primary reasons that we see for Divorce Mediation being effective is that cooperation towards a common goal is the driving dynamic.
Anything that reduces the frustration and the duration of the divorce process only serves to facilitate the recovery process.
Some couples, especially where the wife has handled healthcare coordination, continue to communicate to ensure Dad is “taking his medications”. Here are a few highlights and a link to the whole article.
By Joseph E. Cordell Updated: August 07, 2018
“Divorce is the second-most stressful life event behind only the death of a spouse or child. After experiencing so much anxiety, heartache, and general upheaval, your health is bound to suffer.”
“Research shows that divorce puts men at risk for a number of long-term health problems. Divorce increases the rate of early mortality for men by up to 250%. They also are more at-risk of developing cardiovascular disease, hypertension, depression, suicide, substance abuse, and cancer.”
“For many reasons, it seems tougher for guys to get back on their feet after divorce than it is for women. Research shows that women might experience more emotional turmoil after a split, but men have more difficulty recovering.“
In case you are trying to show your kids what’s wrong with the country, I wanted to pass along an appeal from Senator Elizabeth Warren.
“It’s unbelievable, Within just hours of unveiling my new anti-corruption legislation yesterday: Republican Congressman Duncan Hunter—one of Donald Trump’s first supporters in the House—was indicted by the Department of Justice for misusing $250,000 of campaign money for personal expenses.
There’s something that you can do right this minute to take on this corrupt machine:You can help Duncan Hunter’s Democratic opponent—Ammar Campa-Najjar—so we can kick one more corrupt politician out of office and get one seat closer to taking back the House in 2018.
Ammar worked as a grassroots organizer for President Obama’s 2012 re-election campaign and then went on to work in the White House and the Department of Labor.
Ammar has pledged not to take any corporate PAC money in his campaign for Congress, so he’s not going to be bought by corporations.”
Thanks for being a part of this.
I don’t need to emphasize how important this is to all of us. Anyone can write to any United Sates Senator to urge action on a matter of concern to citizens of the United States. This is one source for facilitating the contact process:
On August 26, all across the country, Americans will stand united in commitment to our freedom and our future to demand that the U.S. Senate stop Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s nomination for a lifelong appointment to the Supreme Court.
In Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump chose a nominee who not only has extremist, ultra-conservative legal views on a range of issues, but who has repeatedly argued that the Supreme Court should put the president above the law.
Kavanaugh would rule against reproductive freedom, health care, the environment, voting rights, workers’ rights, LGBTQ rights, and immigrant rights for generations.
Senators in all fifty states must listen to their constituents, do their jobs to uphold the will of the people, protect the soul of our country and Constitution, and block this nomination. United, we will fight to ensure Brett Kavanaugh never gets confirmed by the Senate. We will #StopKavanaugh. Join us.
I just got this message and wanted to pass it on as quickly as possible in case some people might want to join in on making some noise.
A woman’s right to safely and legally seek an abortion is under attack.
Donald Trump made it very clear—far before Justice Kennedy stepped down—that his choice for the Supreme Court would come from a list of pre-approved candidates, all of whom would overturn the landmark decision in Roe v. Wade. And now that Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation hearing is scheduled for September 4, there’s no time to waste to mobilize Americans of all walks who want to stop a nominee who would rule against reproductive rights.
We can’t go back. If Roe is overturned, abortions will not stop. They will simply go back to being unsafe, unregulated, and an option only to those with access to the money and transportation needed. Women will die, and every senator who didn’t do everything they could to stop Kavanaugh’s nomination will be to blame.
If you have kids that aren’t sure who Aretha Franklin is please crank up the music box to eleven (Apologies to Spinal Tap) and let that big beautiful voice fill the room.
Her voice “demanded” respect from anyone that heard it from her beloved Detroit to the LA “Freeway of Love” whether you were in a Volvo or a “Pink Cadillac”the ride was justbetter with Aretha on the box.
What better time to stress the importance of respect when we seem to see such a lack of it in our everyday lives.
Aretha took a stand when “colored people” couldn’t sit on the bus and she lifted up those same people like a song from the choir when they saw how much “Respect” a brilliant black woman could generate even amongst those that didn’t go to the same church.
I came across this exchange with Jim Tankersley who covers economic and tax policy for The New York Times and Ailsa Chang from NPR. Jim gives a nice summary of the dynamics involved that are driving financial advisors to get a strategy in place for all their clients that are party to a divorce settlement before the end of 2018. He also points out that the men do not have as much to lose with the new deal.
There’s a link at the bottom to the whole conversation but here’s a few examples of how Jim lays it out:
CHANG: So the couples that will be most impacted by this are those wealthiest ones in the top tax bracket.
TANKERSLEY: Absolutely because it means the most for them because they’re getting the biggest break from their taxes ’cause they pay the…
TANKERSLEY: …Highest marginal income tax rates.
CHANG: And I can imagine most couples that have severely disparate incomes – it’s usually the woman who earns less. So this tax law change will probably have women bearing most of the cost.
TANKERSLEY: That’s what divorce lawyers and tax professionals and financial planners have been telling me – is that, yeah, it’s largely women who receive alimony. And particularly with wealthy couples, it’s largely women who leave the labor force to take care of kids or for whatever reason. And women earn less in the economy for the same work than men do. This is a potentially big loss for women…
CHANG: What was Congress’ rationale for getting rid of the alimony tax break?
TANKERSLEY: This is a way to raise revenue for the government. So by closing this loophole, they’re going to get more money in taxes, and therefore they help offset some of the enormous other costs of the rest of the tax bill.
It’s also, again, a drop in the bucket of a $1.5 trillion tax cut.
A lot of parents that I meet have expressed frustration at trying to explain certain current events to their kids that we seem powerless to stop. Inspired and energized as we all were by the Parkland Shooting survivors we still need to explore ways that enable our kids to feel connected to whatever causes they deem worthwhile.
This message from MoveOn might provide a serviceable outlet for anyone to call attention to a situation they feel needs to be addressed by as many people as possible. I’m not advocating for a group just passing along what might be a helpful opportunity.
“In May, just months after the Parkland massacre, MoveOn member Andrea Smith started a petition asking Publix, her local grocery store, to stop contributions to the campaign of an NRA-backed candidate for governor. Within a week, in response to public outrage, including the petition and inspiring student-organized protests, Publix changed its corporate policy.”
“Here’s another example: last year, MoveOn members Sandy and Lonnie Phillips used our free petition platform to help convince the Democratic National Committee to reject money from the gun, tobacco, and payday loan industries. More than 20,000 people from across the country signed on to say our politics shouldn’t be bought off by special interests―and their voices were heard.”
People took action together and made change. You can make this kind of change too.
MoveOn’s petition platform is a resource that lets you not just start petitions but also send follow-up mailings to your petition signers and coordinate petition deliveries to decision-makers. It’s an amazing tool for anyone who wants to power progressive change.
This is something that has been bugging o lot of people in Los Angeles and now seems to be a great time to let the Mayor hear your voice.
The marker has been pummeled by a pickax and a sledgehammer, but now the West Hollywood City Council has voted to remove President Trump’s star from the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
The council will send a formal letter to Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti, the Los Angeles City Council and the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce to consider removing it.
But, according to a statement from the chamber, it’s unlikely it will act.
“The Hollywood Walk of Fame is a registered historic landmark. Once a star has been added to the Walk, it is considered a part of the historic fabric of the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Because of this, we have never removed a star from the Walk,” said Leron Gubler, the organization’s president and CEO.”
The resolution disagreed:
“Having a ‘star’ on the Walk of Fame is a privilege that is highly sought after by those in the entertainment industry, allowing Mr. Trump to continue to have a star in light of his behavior toward women, particularly in the #timesup and #metoo movements, should not be acceptable in the Hollywood and entertainment industry communities,”
Because the Walk of Fame, which holds 2,500 stars, is the property of the City of Los Angeles, the city has the final decision.”
Here is where you can let the Mayor know how you feel:
From Mark Moore of the New York Post read original article here
This got my attention in connection with a story about the horrible backlog of separated families created by inept policies and procedures. It’s difficult to focus on how to help when there are so many unjust situations but I think this one deserves a spotlight. They don’t get a lot of attention and could certainly put to direct use any support from any source.
On any given day 5,000 immigrant men, women, and unaccompanied minors are detained in Arizona.
Detained immigrants facing deportation in the U.S. do not have the right to a public defender. Without representation, many will lose their case and get sent back to the conditions they are fleeing. To some, this is a death sentence.
You can use the link if you’d like to find out more.
FYI: Ms. Nightingale was indeed named for the city of her birth in Italy and felt she “had a calling from God” so she went to nurse soldiers in the Crimean War.
Here is a quote from Florence that pretty nicely sums up what people are facing at the border:
“How very little can be done under the spirit of fear.”
There was a letter generated by Robert Fox of MoveOn that highlights why this push for the Midterms is so important. There is a link at the end to assist you should you want to show your support.
“Recent polls have Democrats ahead by a whopping 12 points in the generic ballot but Democrats would need a tremendous electoral wave not seen in more than 40 years to overcome Republican advantages from gerrymandered districts in key states.
Poll numbers for Democrats have been consistently climbing over the past few weeks. That increases the odds that we can make a decisive difference and take back the House.
To win this fall, we will have to beat Trump’s propaganda machine and we can expect billionaires such as the Koch brothers to pour as much money as possible into races across the country to keep Republicans in power.
To stay on track with our field-organizing program, we need to hit our fundraising goals. Your support will help determine how much support wecan give to candidates.
It was a backyard barbeque where serious conversations are rarerthan the steaks, and someone was overheard referring to Ms. Abrams, “…and she can’t even balance her checkbook…”This was a reference to a comment made by the candidate herself, admitting to something that most of us have experienced, in spite of QuickBooks and Excel.
So when I saw the letter from Sen. Warren it seemed like a good idea to share this with as many people as possible. For anyone inspired to support her this is a rare opportunity to be part of “outside money”being used for a progressivepurpose.
Here is some of Sen. Warren’s appeal and I’ve put a link to a Time Magazine article about Ms. Abrams herself to provide some perspective.
“Democrat Stacey Abrams is INCREDIBLE—she’ll make history by being elected our country’s first African American woman governor, EVER.
The national Republicans and their powerful friends know that Stacey can win—and they’re terrified of it. As the top Democrat in the Georgia House, she fought to level the playing fields for women, students, seniors, veterans, and working people. I know that as governor, Stacey Abrams will build a Georgia where more families can get ahead.”
Thanks for being a part of this.
–Senator Elizabeth Warren
Read the Time Magazine article here
I want to pass along a heads up on an encouraging piece by Noah Berlatsky from the LA Times. It’s been tough to focus on positive slants about the chaos we’ve seen in the headlines but there are some rallying points the article highlights for us.
“Voters are not angry at the left’s efforts to preserve healthcare, or to protest vicious policies. They’re angry at right-wing extremism, tax cuts for the wealthy, and monstrous border policies designed to separate children from their families.”
“Overall, Democrats have flipped more than 40 state and local special election seats since 2016, and the average swing toward Democrats in special elections is more than 13 points.”
It’s nice to see movement in the right, make that correct, direction, but Berlatsky couples this with a strong warning about complacencywithout using the word. (We can’t take our foot off the gas with so much ground to make up.)
“We can’t know for sure if Democratic wins will continue. Republicans have many advantages because of gerrymandering, voter suppression, and structural biases in favor of rural voters. Democrats are by no means assured of winning the House, much less the Senate.”
Read full article here
It’s tough enough to be a parent without having to try to explain to the kids what we’re seeing in the news on a daily basis.
A lot of the families that walk through my door have never experienced a political dark cloud like Watergate so there’s no frame of reference for the stonewalling and blind submission currently on display in Washington.
The people I talk to echo the general mantra of wanting to do something positive but their choices are limited, as is the case with the majority of the population.
There is an organization “Swing Left” that supports many different types of action movements and encourages people to create their own.
There’s a link below to their website where you can explore options to help fight that feeling of powerlessness that we all endure.
The outrage that followed the images from the “Summit” between President Trump and “President” Putin has been overwhelming the media across the board.
If you would like to add your voice to the growing (over 100K) population of people that want to show their disapproval over what we just witnessed please consider signing Rob Reiner’s petition.
“In front of the world’s media, standing next to Russian President Vladimir Putin after their closed-door Summit, Donald Trump said that he believes Putin over the findings of EVERY SINGLE U.S. intelligence agency that the Russian government committed cyber warfare against the U.S. in the 2016 presidential election.1
Meanwhile, Trump still won’t meet with special counsel Robert Mueller, the man leading the federal investigation into Russian interference and the Trump campaign’s possible conspiracy with Russian agents.”
I started a petition demanding Trump meet with Mueller and tell the truth. Will you join me in defending our democracy by signing?
We, the American people, demand that Trump meet with special counsel Robert Mueller and answer his questions about possible conspiracy with the Russian government to influence the 2016 presidential election and obstruction of justice to cover it up. It’s imperative that federal investigators have all the information they need to get to the truth.
Thanks for taking action.
After the circus act the Senate put on with grilling Peter Strzok followed by the Mueller indictments naming Russian GRU members with everything but their spy school nicknames you might want relax with some stimulating reading material.
There’s also a link to the story of a fascinating candidate (Richard Ojeda) in West Virginia-that got beaten with brass knuckles by a Trump supporter at a barbeque.
If you, or the kids, do somehow find the time for some background reading related the bizarre political events that we’ve seen, here are a few suggestions from other readers:
Civil Disobedience by Henry David Thoreau
He spent a night in jail for not paying his “Poll Tax” and came out with some radical ideas about what a propergovernment should strive to achieve. Here are a few gems from “Mr. Walden Pond”:
“Can there not be a government in which majorities do not virtually decide right and wrong, but conscience?”
“Must the citizen ever for a moment, or in the least degree, resign his conscience to the legislation?”
“It is truly enough said that a corporation has no conscience; but a corporation of conscientious men is a corporation with a conscience.”
“Thus, under the name of Order and Civil Government, we are all made at last to pay homage to and support our own meanness.”
It Can’t Happen Here by Sinclair Lewis is a great tribute to what catastrophes can happen when the “popular wool” is pulled over the eyes of the populace. Like Orwell a lot would come true.
If there are any future, or current, lawyers in the family here’s a link to the “Mueller” indictments.
The SCOTUS nomination is at the center point of what women are facing with respect to their fight for access to the proper healthcare to which they are entitled.
I saw one idea suggesting people send postcards to individual Senators by the millions if they can’t mobilize in any other way but want to do something. You’ll see more information about opportunities to raise a voice as they appear.
In the meantime here are a few points from an article by Katha Pollitt, author of “Pro: Reclaiming Abortion Rights,” published in The New York Times:
“The president promised to nominate only justices who would overturn Roe v. Wade, …and there is no reason not to take Mr. Trump at his word”…at least on this point.
“So tattoo this on your brain: Sixty-seven percent of Americans do not want Roe v. Wade to be overturned.”
“We need to mobilize in the states. If Roe is overturned, each state will be free to make its own laws.”
“People need to know that the risk of death due to childbirth is about14 times greater than the risk of death from abortion, and that contrary to stereotypes, 59 percent of abortions are obtained by women who are mothers.”
Link to full article in the NY Times: “Roe Isn’t Going Down Without a Fight”
In 2016, Senator Mitch McConnell had this to say after the death of Justice Antonin Scalia prompted President Barack Obama’s nomination of Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court: “The American people should have a voice in the selection of their next Supreme Court Justice.”1
The same should hold true about Donald Trump’s replacement for retiring Justice Anthony Kennedy which means that the Senate must reject Trump’s nominee Brett Kavanaugh.
At Peace Talks we have been doing a lot of “coaching” with the overwhelming process of divorce, from divorcing parents and premaritals as well as legal and psychological practitioners.
Here’s a description of “Divorce Coaching” from the American Bar Association:
“Divorce coaching is a flexible, goal-oriented process designed to support, motivate, and guide people going through divorce to help them make the best possible decisions for their future, based on their particular interests, needs, and concerns. Divorce coaches have different professional backgrounds and are selected based on the specific needs of the clients. For example, some divorce coaches are financial planners, mental health professionals, lawyers, or mediators who have experience dealing with divorcing clients.”
Here’s some additional feedback about the potential value of a coach from an attorney:
“I love them, and if I had my way, I’d never work without them,” says Brigitte Bell, a Chicago divorce attorney. “They help manage the clients and support them by bringing a different set of skills to the divorce process than we do.”
If you want to explore the “Divorce Coach” idea to see if it’s something you want to pursue, whether as a potential client or certified practitioner please contact me.
Before the fireworks were lit and showing some “rockets red glare”, there were some different fireworks set off at the feet of the Statue of Liberty.
“A woman who climbed up on the Statue of Liberty and sat on the monument’s base is in detention, police say.
US officials identified her as Therese Okoumou, a 44-year-old immigrant from the Democratic Republic of Congo.
Ms. Okoumou was reportedly protesting against President Trump’s zero-tolerance policy on immigration”
You can read the whole BBC News article using the link below but it does seem to be the perfect metaphor for America’s “struggle to climb out from under British oppression”. I’m sure the irony of this being reported by the British media on American “Independence Day” gave a lot of people a chuckle.
This kind of inspired action may come in handy as we begin the struggle over the nomination of the next Supreme Court Justice.
“When you can’t do what you want you do what you can”
Whether or not anybody ever actually said that doesn’t matter; it’s the message that counts. The power that exists in the hands of the people looking for a betterway to handle our current problems was exhibited this weekend across the country. I have included a graphic, to enhance the optics of the event.
Here are some links to sources of action. Some of this is tied into the retirement of Justice Kennedy and the inherent potential threat to Roe vs. Wade represented by President Trump’s likely nominee.
“Family Separation Protests Shift the Narrative” –The Atlantic, June 30, 2018
“Protesters flood US cities to fight Trump immigration policy” – Associated Press, July 1, 2018
“In 50 states, hundreds of thousands protest immigration policy, with focus on midterms” – USA Today, June 30, 2018
There are thousands of events across the country scheduled for Saturday to give people a chance to make a statement about the administration’s approach to handling requests for asylum. Here are a couple of familiar names that are encouraging people to add their voices and signs:
“Seeing thousands of immigrant families torn apart, I am devastated and beyond furious.”
“I believe that what this administration is doing at the border is a “crime against humanity,” and it is on us to stop it.”
Make sure you and everyone you know has signed up to take action this Saturday, June 30th by sharing this image on Facebook:
I will pass along any information about special funds for the benefit of the families affected by the MD shootings. Hopefully we will figure out a better way to do things…soon.
by Stephanie Maloney
We were at a local demonstration piling our donation of blankets in with the flood of relief materials from supporters as frustration ran deep throughout the crowd. Our pics are on Facebook but I wanted to pass along some other ways for us to actually “do” something about this nightmarish situation.
This is from my friend Jonathan Verk cofounder of coParenter describe the trip:
75 neighbors, friends and community activists are on our way home from San Diego. And what an absolutely powerful trip it was!
We did it! We delivered 200 toys, blankets, necessities and other items to their children currently being held at Casa San Diego detention center! By the Time we arrived at the detention center, we had basically no confidence that we would be let in. After all we’ve seen on the news- and everything we’d been told, we didn’t even think they’d let us near the gate. Politicians, authorities— even clergy haven’t been let near the gate! we were told by everyone not to bother.
But honestly… I’m not that great at listening.
We parked across the street, about 40 yards down the block. We were explicitly told that any sign of protesters would force the facility to put the kids in ‘lock down’, which- as it sounds, probably sucks. So, One of my fellow protesters and I walked two huge boxes and an envelope full of letters of hope, written by kids- to the kids on the inside.
We walked up to a very industrial looking, tarp-covered fence and very calmly rang the buzzer. Nothing. We rang again… nothing. We rang it 7 more times— and then started strategizing how we could lift the boxes over the fence and gently lower it down the other side.
And then they answered.
A soft voice with a Spanish accent asked “Hello? How can I help you”. We told them that we’re just some kids from LA who came to drop off some toys, would they let us leave them for the kids….
Silence. A staticky click. And then the voice came back… “we’ll be right out”.
The lady (wouldn’t give us her name) looked friendly but exhausted. Clearly, It’s been an emotional, hard week for them (YES- the kids have it worse, but this poor woman didn’t sign up for this insanity either).
We explained what we were doing and why we were there… and after a minute, she allowed us to brings the toys in. We weren’t allowed to cross the property line (they were afraid they’d get ‘caught’ on their surveillance cameras letting us in) and we certainly didn’t meet he kids. But we did share the letters and the toys and the blankets and the absolutely wonderful items that the LA community donated.
It was an amazingly joyous and spectacularly cathartic experience for everyone on the buses.
Thank you to everyone who helped make this ‘Rally to the Border’ so incredible. There’s lots more to share, but right now I wanna get some shuteye.
Because tomorrow is another day…. we’ve got to get some rest… and fight on!
1500 people. 10k toys, books and other items. 75 people down to San Diego on 2 buses.
200 toys delivered to the kids of Casa San Diego!
Below is a link to a great article (Melanie Gleason) about sources of help that you can contribute to that also provide legal help “on the ground” along the border. This, especially as Gleason points out, “President Donald Trump’s executive order on Wednesday trades family separation for indefinite detention of children.”
You can call your members of Congress through the U.S. Capitol switchboard at 202-224-3121
Here is some info about the national day of rallies taking place for people that want to be seen and heard about the families being separated at the border.
Let them know that this is no way to run our country.
Thanks to powerful public pressure, the Trump administration has been forced to shift its outrageous treatment of immigrant children. We have momentum—but we’re far from done.
The executive order that Donald Trump signed today is not the solution. It allows the indefinite incarceration of immigrant families in federal prisons, and there is still no plan to reunify the thousands of families that have been forcibly separated. Which is why we must continue to stand together at hundreds of events nationwide on Saturday, June 30, to say that families belong together—and free. Click here to join the June 30 event near you to Keep Families Together and free and reject Trump’s brutal policies.
It’s very difficult to watch any family go through separation anxiety, of any kind, just ask anyone that has dealt with Family Law and Divorce Court.
I’m passing along this email in case you’d like to let the policy makers know that you disagree with this policy and they must immediatelychoose a better option.
In no way is this a solicitation for funds for any organization or group; just one way to speak out against something that is wrong.
I you decide to participate just click on the “Not Michael-Click Here” to bring up a fresh request.
Let’s keep raising our voices to stop this tragedy—and show love and support for these children and their families.
by Stephanie Maloney
As we get ready for Father’s Day we might take time to show some thanks by supporting an incredibly worthy family cause.
I’m not advocating for the organization other than this subject makes a lot of parents I talk with physically nauseous, especially the heart rending photographs.
It’s not possible for most of us to make an appearance for the deserving causes that we face but I wanted to pass this along for anyone that might want to be there.
For those that need another way to show support, here is an example of one link to sign a petition for Congress to take action. https://act.credoaction.com/sign/no_family_separation
|MoveOn members across the country are joining Families Belong Together events on Thursday, June 14, to oppose the cruel, inhumane, and unjustified separation of children from their parents at U.S. borders. Communities are seeing the devastating and lasting effects this policy could have and are ready to speak out. Local activists planned this day of action across the country, not a national organization, because they know families can’t wait. Action is needed now.
Under this Trump administration policy pushed by Attorney General Sessions and defended by Homeland Security Secretary Nielsen, ICE and Border Patrol agents have torn more than 650 children from their families in just two weeks in May! Thousands of children have been taken from their parents and detained in cages since this policy was adopted in 2017.
With Father’s Day approaching, now is the time to protest these abuses and demand reform.
|JOIN US TO DEMAND AN END TO THIS INHUMANE PRACTICE!
WHERE: MACARTHUR PARK (IN LOS ANGELES)
WHEN: THURSDAY, JUNE 14, 5:00 PM
WHAT: JOIN US TO DEMAND AN END TO FAMILY SEPARATION AND DETENTION
by Stephanie Maloney
Lately the media has been overwhelmed with this problem and the getting rid of the trash that goes along with it. It’s a Herculean task that’s long overdue for overhauling as to the methods used to attack its many different aspects.
One issue inexorably linked to the deeper roots of the problem is the amount of “bulky items” that go along with the people. This has led to serious incidents and in some cases fires. Fights have broken out over these “possessions” between the homeless themselves as well as sanitation workers. It’s not something easily addressed unless energy is focused on timely removal. Unfortunately, in too many cases, they are not picked up and made available to the families with children that need help.
Some local parents that have encouraged their kids to alert a charity about items they see on the street as they always have access to a phone. This way at least some of these items will find their way to people instead of a trash barge.
by Stephanie Maloney
Even if you don’t shop for “Designer” fashions there’s a good chance the name “Kate Spade” is one you’ve seen somewhere before her recent suicide.
Suicide is still near the top of the list of tough subjects to discuss with the kids. Trying to find the “middle ground” for co-parenting on almost anything can be difficult but explaining “choosing to die” would be tough even for “Papa Freud”. We can only imagine what it’s like for the families that have gone through it and keep talking with each other to keep issues from festering into a toxic situation.
There are several pieces that I recommend for ideas and perspectives about this haunting subject:
NY Times by Vanessa Friedman
The husband, Andy Spade, said there were no plans to divorce. Mr. Spade was speaking publicly for the first time since her death was announced on Tuesday.
“We were in touch with her the night before and she sounded happy. There was no indication and no warning that she would do this. It was a complete shock.”
MERCURY NEWS | June 6, 2018, 11:59AM
Kate and Andy Spade were having marital difficulties before she died of an apparent suicide by hanging, according to a number of reports.
“Kate and Andy were having relationship problems,” according to a source who spoke with People.
Law enforcement sources told TMZ that Spade was depressed in the last days of her life because her husband wanted a divorce, and she didn’t want to end the marriage. Andy Spade also wasn’t living in the home, but in a nearby apartment.
Helping real people move through divorce
Suicide and Divorce
I’ve got bad news for you about suicide. One recent study by the National Institute for Healthcare Research in Rockville, MD indicates that divorced people are three times as likely to commit suicide as people who are married. The Institute says that divorce now ranks as the number one factor linked with suicide rates in major U.S. cities, ranking above all other physical, financial, and psychological factors.
by Stephanie Maloney
It seems that childcare and its “do’s and “don’ts” keeps coming up as one of the most emotional issues dividing couples that are co-parenting even with only one child in the mix.
I came across an article from the “First 5 California”* website that has some valuable viewpoints about this incredibly difficult and rather constant problem for a lot of divorced parents. *(First 5 California was created in November 1998 when California voters passed Proposition 10 to invest tobacco tax revenues in programs that would help improve the lives of children in California.)
“Recent headlines have prompted the question over what situations a child is considered independent enough to walk home unattended, play outdoors without supervision or be left alone in the home?”
“Free-range” parenting has been highlighted and criticized in recent months, due in part to, a Maryland couple recently cleared of neglect charges in one of two cases after allowing their 10-year-old and 6-year-old children to walk home unsupervised from a local park.
On the flip side, a father in Tennessee used a drone to keep tabs on his 8-year-old daughter as she walked home by herself.
So, what is considered lenientor overprotectivewhen it comes to raising our children is a question to be openly discussed on a regular basis as they develop.
“We should also allow children the freedom to explore by teaching them to speak up(ensure your child can contact you or an adult at all times) and speak out -with respect and not defiance.”
This question about how much to be involved in parenting can often be a challenge when trying to co-parent. Parents can differ in their parenting style and want to impose it on the co-parent. Our advice is to balance the fight with what you are fighting for.
You can view the whole piece on their website: www.first5la.org/
by Stephanie Maloney
If you are getting a divorce before the end of 2018 you should be aware of the 30th of June as the final day to file your paperwork.
If however, you need to finalize or amend your current settlement agreement then early October is when the clerks need your paperwork to review. That’s very important to a lot of people because of the uncertainty created by the changes to the tax laws added to the fact that we are looking at the start of summer vacation. [S1]
Lawyers, despite the bad jokes, are just like the rest of us when it comes to “time in the sun” and their personal calendars will reflect that proclivity through the Labor Day holiday.
I’ve been talking with some lawyers and mediators about contingency plans for improvising a way to help address what might become a scheduling nightmare in the months ahead.
Hiring independent judges has been the traditional strategy for litigators to turn to in times of overwhelming demand for their time but that might not be the best choice for the client. The factors of time and cost, in this specific application, might open the door for mediation to replace “independent adjudication” as a matter of “the greater benefit” to the client.
Because mediation can usually be more efficient as a process it would be possible to save time and money without interfering with the relationship between the client and the lawyer.
If scheduling and the calendar become “speed bumps” for you in terms of making the December 31 deadline please ask your legal advisor to consider contacting a mediator about a faster and possibly less expensive solution.
by Stephanie Maloney
An article by Ben Steverman (Bloomberg News) from Sunday’s LA Times dealt with some tax-related issues that are going to affect a lot of divorced couples and their respective families. It’s an extremely informative piece that’s well worth the read.
I wanted to highlight a few things he brings up that are directly related to why people, in the right sort of circumstance, are turning to alternative ways of dealing with divorce issues to avoid going to court.
The changes end the deduction for alimony and open new avenue to court challenges. Prenups often contain provisions about how much a partner would pay in alimony, also known as spousal support. The agreements can be thrown out if judges deem them unfair, or signed too quickly or under duress.
Now the tax revamp offers another avenue for challenges because courts probably will have to consider how the law has changed since the contracts were created. Starting in 2019, payers no longer will be able to deduct their alimony payments.
For divorcees in the top tax bracket, the change could mean they, in effect, pay double in post-tax costs compared with what they agreed to in their Prenups.
It’s fair to say that Prenups have become more popular in recent years as younger Americans delay marriage, and the divorce rate has skyrocketed for people over 50, who often use Prenups if they remarry. More than 60% of divorce attorneys said they had seen a rise in the number of clients seeking Prenups in the previous three years, while just 1% reported a drop, according to a 2016 survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.
If agreements aren’t amended to factor in the tax changes, it will be up to divorce attorneys to settle — or judges to decide— whether the amounts or formulas still stand for couples who divorce starting next year.
Even if both parties agree to an adjustment in alimony, they’ll need to agree on exactly how much to cut the payers’ obligations. Divorcing couples could end up hiring rival accountants as expert witnesses to sway judges.
“No one knows the outcome of that kind of dispute,” Linda Ravdin (Pasternak & Fidis) said. “When you go to court, it’s like rolling the dice.”
Ultimately, the change could hurt alimony recipients. Payers could plead with judges to revise their obligations given the new law — a valid legal argument given that many Prenups specifically mention that the payments are intended to be deductible.
Divorce attorneys already have been warning that killing the alimony deduction could make splitting up more acrimonious.
You wouldn’t spend more money on a slower car than the one in your garage no matter how many warm, fuzzy, family vacation commercials were sandwiched in between the ones for sleeping pills.
A piece by Bill Chappell and Susan Davis about the new battle over “Net Neutrality” and the fight to overturn the FCC’s repeal of what made things a level playing field got my attention.
This is not a political issue. It’s an issue that may be decided by politicians with vested interests in the decision to be made in the House with the Senate having already voted to overturn the repeal.
This is something that all family members can be involved in by making every voice heard about objecting to being assigned an Internet access speed according to account tiers created by the providers. Here are a few key points they make:
“Today is a monumental day,” said Sen. Edward Markey, D-Mass., during debate over the resolution. “Today we show the American people who sides with them, and who sides with the powerful special interests and corporate donors who are thriving under this administration.”
Critics of the FCC rollback say they’re worried about consumers being forced to pay more for less consistent or slower service. FCC Chairman Ajit Pai, part of the Republican majority, has said the Obama rule was “heavy-handed” and isn’t needed.
The net neutrality rules expire June 11. I will post any links possible to where you can send a message about being manipulated into a very unfavorable position.
by Stephanie Maloney
I saw this piece and was shocked. Bryan McQueeney is the chief executive of the nonprofit Ride On Therapeutic Horsemanship in Los Angeles and he sums up nicely some of the unfortunate possibilities.
The new tax law, according to estimates from the Council on Foundations, will drain $16 billion to $24 billion a year from the nonprofit sector going forward. At a time when discretionary government services are diminishing, and as deeper cuts are contemplated, the role of nonprofits in filling the holes in the social safety net is becoming more essential.
The problem is that while the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act preserves the deductibility of charitable contributions, it restructures the system so that millions will lose incentives to give. It is undeniable that the reward for giving will go down and the cost of giving will go up.
Here in California, the effect of the new law will be particularly painful. The tax reforms limit the deductibility of state and local income and property taxes to $10,000. This is a high-tax state, and many residents’ state and local tax bills will far exceed this limit. The loss of this valuable deduction will leave them with less to give to their favorite charity.
The Tax Cuts Act simultaneously raises the standard deduction to $24,000 for a married couple. For millions, it will no longer make sense to itemize, and that too means fewer charitable gifts: You can only deduct donations if you itemize.
For those who want to give, it is more important than ever to donate with your heart and your mind. Get to know the charities that interest you. Pick a cause that’s close to your heart, whether it’s answering an urgent call to help victims of disasters or supporting long-standing needs.
We know we can’t change the world, but we can change lives.
by Stephanie Maloney
Once in a while, something related to my previous incarnation in the investment world catches my attention, especially when it relates to the credit markets.
A piece in The Washington Post by David Lynch shed some light on important recent developments in the economy, particularly affecting consumers, as we moved into the second quarter.
Here are a few things David points to that are relevant to most of us, especially those people that are young and maybe first-time users of a credit card. Including, of course, our kids.
“For most of the past decade, as the U.S. economy marched through the second-longest expansion in its history, Americans enjoyed a rare trifecta: soaring stock values, cheap loans and consumer prices that rarely rose”.
” Consumer prices by a key measure are rising at their fastest point in seven years, mortgages and business loans are becoming more expensive, and after peaking in late January, the Dow Jones industrial average is now roughly flat on the year.“
“The result is that Americans have to spend more money on staples, pay more to borrow money to buy big-ticket items such as cars and homes, and are seeing less growth in their investments. These factors will probably pinch Americans particularly during spring and summer when home-buying and driving peak.”
But today’s rising borrowing costs will hit an economy loaded with debt, meaning that people and businesses will have to spend even more on interest payments. Corporations outside the finance industry at the end of last year owed creditors more than $49 trillion.
Rising consumer prices have not been a significant problem for years. That may be about to change as the Commerce Department reported that prices, excluding food and energy products, rose at a 2.5 percent annual clip in the first three months of 2018.
It’s not difficult to “do the math” and figure out that a lot of us are going to have to make adjustments and make the time to talk about any major expenditures or purchases while conditions are still somewhat favorable.
by Stephanie Maloney
Since I get reminded on a daily basis of why a lot of moms are finding it harder to celebrate things sometimes this seemed a bright piece of news. If these bills actually make progress I will pass along the word on what we can do to support their passage. Enjoy the hopeful Senator’s wishes and in the meantime let’s hope that next year we’re a little slimmer and the bank account is a little fatter.
NY Senator Kirsten Gillibrand says Congress must do more to help working moms and their children so she is sponsoring two bills to address the issues of paid work leave and equal pay for equal work. Here’s how she put it:
In May 1914 Congress created “Mother’s Day” as a celebration but hasn’t done nearly enough with policies to give working mothers the support they need.
“The United States consistently ranks at the bottom among industrialized nations for paid parental leave. Many families spend over 25% of their income on childcare, and that number climbs to over 50% for single parents.
“The obvious pay gap between men and women, which is even worse for women with children, means that working moms are getting shortchanged.” This is important because nearly two-thirds of mothers in the United States are the primary, sole or co-breadwinner.
Her paid leave bill is called the FAMILY Act. The FAMILY Act would guarantee up to 12 weeks of paid leave, with two-thirds of your paycheck.
Her other bill, the Paycheck Fairness Act, would help end wage discrimination. Right now, on average, for every dollar a man makes, a woman makes only 80 cents, and if you’re a woman of color, it’s even worse.
Studies have also shown that there is a “motherhood penalty” in our economy, where having children hurts women’s earnings while working fathers get an increase in pay for every child they have.
It’s that simple.
by Stephanie Maloney
There’s a lawsuit filed by the ACLU aimed at preventing families seeking asylum from being separated at the border. It’s a cruel tactic implemented to discourage refugees from coming to America and if you disagree with this decision there is a petition you can sign on their website to stop this practice.
Split Custody, as it is referred to in divorces with children, is very rare in general because of the potential harm but percentage of responsibility comes up in many court-driven divorces. When the judge decides how the financial responsibilities should be divided it is not necessarily done by “cutting them in half”. That court decision can have some seriously negative repercussions for at least one parent and ultimately for the children.
Maintaining control of the settlement process is one of the main reasons for utilizing a mediator and working towards a mutual agreement, rather than leaving it up to the court. You may not be risking custody but you might encounter what you consider to be a slightly “one-sided agreement” and end up in a financial bind. Let’s remember that the judge may also come up with visitation schedules that present logistical nightmares for vacation time and holidays. “Who gets the kids for Christmas?” is a question that you will want to decide when necessary not a third-party adjudicator.
I do encourage you to make your voice heard, if you are so inclined, to stop tearing families apart when they’ve come so far by staying together.
by Stephanie Maloney
There was a recent article by Joel Stein about “Nextdoor” the social networking service and requisite letters in response representing various points of view. Since one of the main goals is to keep neighbors apprised of suspicious behavior it’s not difficult to understand how people’s paranoia could get in the way.
The most disturbing aspect of this dynamic is the amount of apparent racial profiling coming through many of the community posts. If I understood correctly, people in certain neighborhoods, have been reporting activities based solely on the color of an individual’s skin, with no additional particulars. There were, however, no reports of suspicious activities of white strangers observed in South Central Los Angeles. Steps are being taken to address this inequity.
The idea of connecting neighbors is as old as the back fence and has been an important part of the real “Neighborhood Watch” the one that starts with paying attention instead of ignoring. We have no excuses for not using the phone that’s probably in our hands to call for help when you see something happening. But we need to avoid jumping to the easy conclusions. Look out for your neighbors and in LA call 1-877-ASK-LAPD for help while providing where, and why you need them with as full a description as is possible.
There was a piece by the LA Times contributor David Lazarus the other day about the possibility of a “Postal Bank”. NY Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand introduced legislation to allow the Post office to conduct banking services such as checking and small loans. All at reasonable rates and that’s the problem.
This idea has been beaten down before by the lobbying of the “short-term” loan industry. Since it would give low-income consumers a cheaper alternative to a safety net and cash management system it represents a threat, not a benefit.
The US Postal Service, Lazarus reminds us, is losing money on first-class mail delivery; not the third-party package deals that are actually a main source of revenue. Being able to offer banking services would provide recurring revenue that Postal Service needs along with an option that would greatly benefit customers. There are many parents that would love to have their kids learn about financial responsibility without the fees incurred by using a large bank.
I will pass along any further information about how to support this piece of legislation.
by Stephanie Maloney
When Crosby, Stills, and Nash sang their song they had no idea that the people actually teaching our kids were in danger themselves.
They may have to start a “Fund Me Page” for Arizona where the teachers are on strike to force the lawmakers that voted for tax cuts, to increase funding for the schools not just for salaries. One of the teachers was quoted as saying her district’s schools have worn out central air conditioning and fire alarm systems: “The fire alarm system now at (one) school goes off so often the students are starting to ignore it,” What a headline that story will make followed by the hollow cries of “How could this happen?” when a fire finally does break out. Please contribute if such a fund appears.
This caught my attention because there has been an increasing number of voices being raised at local levels about any elected position that influences decisions about education. Even here in California, we are going to have to pay attention to those local elections at the bottom of the list. It’s a little like eating our “civics” vegetables but I am determined to teach my kids that primaries and mid-term elections are of the utmost importance for a “healthy body” of voters.
by Stephanie Maloney
Living by “The Venice Beach Boardwalk” for the past twenty years has provided my family many opportunities to experience a wide spectrum of residents and visitors. As co-parents, we’ve all had to try to explain to the kids why there are people sleeping on the sidewalks and in the bushes no matter whose house they are at. They even have street people in Beverly Hills.
Trying to explain how somebody’s Dad was stabbed in a restaurant in Ventura is something of an impossible task. I am at a complete loss for words when faced with the inevitable “How can this happen, Mom?” A letter in the LA Times, from David Eckhouse of Long Beach, led me to an organization that might provide some hope for forming a proper response and a proactive conduit for change.
“Since the National Council brought Mental Health First Aid to the United States a decade ago, more than 1 million individuals have been trained – including everyone from police officers, teachers, and employers to former First Lady Michelle Obama, former Congressman Patrick Kennedy, NFL wide receiver Brandon Marshall and television personality Dr. Oz. Lady Gaga’s Born This Way Foundation partnered with the National Council to train 150,000 First Aiders.”
Eckhouse further explains, “Decompressing an agitated person and staving an assault is an often-performed task that provides a valuable community service”
This is exactly the kind of training that all responders should be given access to and our lawmakers should hear from us about making that happen.
by Stephanie Maloney
My hat’s off to the “Green People” that go to great lengths to conserve and recycle almost everything possible in very creative ways. I never knew about the straws.
A piece by Renee Lynch in the LA Times reporting that Americans use 500 million plastic straws a day got my attention. This information came from “Strawless Oceans”, an advocacy group targeting the problem with support from people such as Martha Stewart, Adrian Grenier, and Ellen Pompeo. They gratefully accept donations but they also offer some ideas about things you can actually do to feel like you’re making a difference, even if it’s one last straw at a time.
Here are a few of the ideas you can look at for addressing the problem in new and different ways.
Skip plastic straws when not at home by telling the server upfront before they bring the water.
Reach for the compostable paper straws wherever available.
You can also get a set of reusable straws that are stainless steel and dishwasher safe. Yes, one of the kids reminded me it was Earth Day and shame on me.
by Stephanie Maloney
I’m a technology fan but there are times when we have to pay close attention to “the little man behind the curtain.”
According to researchers, from UC Berkeley, the University of British Columbia and Stony Brook University, “Nearly one in five of the most popular free children- and family-oriented apps in the Google Play store improperly collects “identifiers or other personally identifiable information”
The study, which analyzed 5,855 apps, found that 281 — or about 5 percent — collect contact or location data without first seeking parent approval and the apps could be violating 1999’s Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act or COPPA.
“This study has just given the FTC hundreds of companies that they could be going after right now,” said Josh Golin, executive director of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood
“I think that if there was better and more regular enforcement, that it could change the industry,” added.
Twenty-eight percent of the apps studied bypassed Android permissions to access “sensitive data,” the study found, while 73 percent of the apps in question collected “sensitive data.” The worst offenders were apps that collected users’ geolocation information.
“Geolocation data not only reveals where individuals live, but could also enable inferences about their socioeconomic classes, everyday habits, and health conditions, among others,” the study reads.
Golin said he hopes the research spurs parents to think twice before downloading apps for kids.
The study comes a week after a group of privacy and children’s advocacy groups, including the CCFC, filed an FTC complaint against YouTube, arguing that Google’s video platform was illegally collecting personal data from children.
Google, in a statement, said it takes the study seriously.
by Stephanie Maloney
Apparently, women have had enough of being on “the short end of the stick” when it comes political policy in this country.
A record number of women — 309 — had filed to run for the U.S. House as of April 6. That’s a nearly 90-percent increase over 2016’s numbers.
That wave of women candidates has sent the share of candidates who are women skyrocketing…to 22 percent. Along with the number of women candidates climbing sharply this year, however, the number of men running for office has risen. As a result, the number of women candidates — despite a large spike — is still dwarfed by the number of men candidates.
In many places, women are running for congressional seats that have never had a female representative. Just over half of the US population is female, but 80% of the members of “The House” are men.
I’ve noticed that with our awakened youth on the march they seem to sense that having more women involved in policy decisions would be a very good and smart plan.
There are thousands of our kids that can’t vote but they are doing their damnedest to help register and actually pledge to escort travel-challenged voters to the polls.
Maybe we can offer to pay for the bus fare and the gas.
by Stephanie Maloney
Mark Zuckerberg has kind of been the “Bill Gates of Social Media” in bringing his “dorm dream” of Free Global Connectivity to reality through his creation of Facebook. “Aye, there’s the rub” as Shakespeare had Hamlet put it; that word free, unfortunately, has an agenda all its own.
By using data as “coin of the realm” in dealings with advertisers costs are covered and profits are made; very large amounts of capital indeed have been generated from these relationships.
The problem is a lot of us feel as though they have been less than conscientious about the bartering of personal data and informing users of incredibly widespread data breaches-that happened years ago.
Adding insult to injury in his testimony Mr. Zuckerberg confirmed what Sheryl Sandberg had stated previously about people having an option for “no data retention” but it would “fee-based”.
We would have to pay Facebook to keep our data to ourselves-so much for that “free” part of the dream.
It would appear that “Convenience made cowards of us all ” but it’s not too late to send a message to Mark since he has said that he is responsible.
There will plenty of opportunities for all of us to voice our displeasure but whether we will be motivated enough to actually “wean” ourselves off of Facebook for important interaction with those closest to us remains to be updated. Check your status.
by Stephanie Maloney
Co-parenting is tough enough without having to wonder if you’re one text away from that phone call from the Highway Patrol. Nobody wants to be the cop in the family even when it makes sense to everybody else.
We all abuse the privilege of using the phone while driving so it’s tough being tough on the kids without hearing “you both do it and you’re the only one that gives me grief about it”. Just what you don’t need-playing mom & dad off each other.
With 400,000 “distracted driving” related injuries recorded in 2015 the (growing) numbers are too much for parents or teens to ignore and teens are four times more likely to be unlucky.
There are no easy answers but I keep reading about families that set their own guidelines and act on the “honor system” when driving alone-parents included.
by Stephanie Maloney
Women are going to play at Augusta National the home of the “Masters”. Even if golf is just another four-letter word to many of us this is the gender politics version of Jackie Robinson’s first game for the Dodgers. In another “Tear Down That Wall” moment an obsolete fixture tumbled because of social pressure from the “common sense” movement. Who knows next might be pay equivalency-be still my foolish heart.
Unfortunately, the first female shooter appeared thinking YouTube executives were blocking her broadcasts. While not involving a school it is still a very disturbing image for our daughters to process and I’ll pass on any helpful advice that pops up from my reading. Please feel free to do the same.
According to the statistics, most of us know of someone that needed help from a Planned Parenthood Clinic having nothing to do with the concept of termination.There are millions of examples showing that economic factors are preventing women from receiving very necessary assistance with serious health problems that they should be entitled to without question. This is a gender issue that should never have to be countered with pointing out that VIAGRA, for example, is often covered even though it’s not exactly a serious health medication.
With any luck and the necessary will perhaps it won’t be that long until we stop having to explain to our girls why the boys seem to be getting the better of the deal.
by Stephanie Maloney
Here it is again that time to start getting out and planning out some “away from the house” time. It seems to get tougher each year so we have to get more creative.
Actual vacations involving travel are kind of a special event category and require detailed coordination never mind extraordinary cooperation.
It’s no small accomplishment to find ways on a daily and weekly basis to get some fresh air with the kids without wasting hours of time in traffic. So we’re seeing stories about people taking turns hosting “yard parties” that are geographically user-friendly and BYO “whatever” toys for the group.
I know of parents that are taking walks and bike rides in the neighborhood instead of driving to a park. In a real switch there are stories about some single parents renting a local Air B&B with a backyard just for a few hours on an afternoon for fun & games.
This is a reach but if you have teenagers-ask them about a baseball game-funny things can happen in the spring.
by Stephanie Maloney
Every family that I interact with has difficulty creating and managing their time together. By definition, Divorce creates two entities from one source. With our technology, it sounds crazy to admit that we have trouble connecting with each other but that is the reality for a lot of people. This is all about spending time together not time spent typing together.
There was a nice piece in the LA Times a few weeks ago by Catherine Price who writes about “Breaking Up With Your Phone” and avoiding screens not people.
It made me think about how easy it is to mistake texting with talking when someone asks about the kids and we say we just spoke and we mean text messages were exchanged.
Actual “Face Time” not the video application is sort of the Holy Grail of raising kids and excruciatingly so when divorced. It’s tough to compete with all the available options for kids out there but some people are getting creative in efforts to bring new spins on things to the table.
One family that caught my attention is using the bowling alley and the miniature golf course with their phones turned off until they are all finished. They all take turns keeping score and making reservations as well as handling the gear. Some people are applying that technique to the dinner hour or other shared activities in order to really connect with each other instead of their equipment.
Whatever it is I’d like to think that there’s something we can do together that doesn’t involve screens-unless it’s the screen on the back door of a cabin on a lake.
by Stephanie Maloney
Imagine Frances McDormand outside your house of white with 500,000 walking, breathing, two-legged billboards demanding action about the killing of her child.
Apparently, if all politics are local, then all school shootings are now personal. Isn’t it about time we all find some unifying spirit through these kids for actually doing something and isn’t a pity that what’s holding us back is people with a “philosophy” like that of Rick Santorum:
Former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum said Sunday that students would be better off “taking CPR classes” than marching for “phony gun laws.
“How about kids, instead of looking to someone else to solve their problem, do something about maybe taking CPR classes…so that when there is a violent shooter that you can actually respond to that,” Santorum said on CNN’s ‘State of the Union.’
The onetime presidential hopeful, said participants in Saturday’s nationwide March for Our Lives events were “passing the buck to their representatives when they should be preparing to respond to the next mass shooting”.
This must be precisely what is enraging these “kids,” when they hear the words “…the next mass shooting…” with the same echo of acceptance as if there is nothing that can be done. They are indeed “passing the buck” but it’s going back to people that are supposed to paying the tab for safety not to the people hiding under the desks.
In cities across the globe people marched in support of common sense and as even The Pope had advised they shouted that we’ve had enough of parents burying children and children burying friends. In Denmark, for example, Finnish exchange student Iida Keskinen told CNN the idea that mass shootings have become the norm “…has really shook me…I wanted to make sure I had even a small impact in supporting this cause,” she said.
Maybe if she were Norwegian Mr. Trump would listen.
by Stephanie Maloney
It’s an old advertising ploy used by promoters for everything from cigarettes to soap; postulating, “If so many other people are doing it how can they all be wrong?” The simple answer is they were sold out – literally.
Mr. Zuckerberg has stepped up in a somewhat delayed timeline to acknowledge that like the captain of a ship he is responsible for whatever happens with his vessel.
He will now face a barrage of questions in D.C. to explain the massive borrowing of personal data by Cambridge Analytica for the purposes of obfuscating information related to the candidates in the 2016 elections.
Facebook gives away its services in return for our data. If you’re not familiar with “Bedazzled” you still might recognize the “made a deal with the Devil” dynamic and what your soul is really worth.
I admit that it never occurred to me that 50% of us rely on Facebook for news about the country and the planet, not just vacation videos. So if we thought that we were getting a free ride with our friends and family “pics & clicks” we were wrong.
There are any number health professionals suggesting that we find, no make, the time to unplug for a while every day. It might not be a bad idea to show the kids what it’s like to get an actual letter in the mail-no the other one-with a stamp and their name on it-and it can’t be hacked.
by Stephanie Maloney
As we finally are getting some much-needed rain I keep thinking about things, besides the social and political black holes, that are ripe for clean up.
With a clearer picture of your finances under the new tax laws it’s probably not a bad idea to get an overview from your advisors about all your options.
I used to talk with my brokerage clients at the end of the first quarter, especially after a turbulent year, so they could position themselves for any changes their tax advisor might suggest.
We already know the landscape has changed but we’re just learning about the effects on our individual situations.
You might very well need to talk about some adjustments with your ex-spouse about your co-parenting parenting plan in light of what is not working so well and any increased levels of stress on the kids. Worries about money have a habit of affecting all family members.
As I have noted please let me know if you think I might be able to be of help even if only for a referral to someone with a very specific area of expertise.
Also let me know if you or a friend might be interested in our Tuesday Support Group.
by Stephanie Maloney
Things did not go well for Julius Caesar when he ignored the soothsayer and his advice about being wary of the “Ides” (15Th) of March and was struck down on the steps of the Senate. The kids in Florida never made the steps but the survivors and thousands of their contemporaries across the US are taking what they feel are the necessary steps to put an end to this madness.
When you listen and watch what is happening the obvious questions stick out about why it has taken children speaking out and marching to get the adults motivated to action. The Florida legislation will not be enough for these young men and women; apparently you grow up fast post-gunfire.
I know parents are having difficulty with trying to explain the scenes of “17 Minutes of Silence” and with split families that kind of time is not always available.
On March 24th there will another demonstration “March for Our Lives” and here is a link for information and an opportunity to make a donation: marchforourlives.com
I am going to encourage my family to participate in any way possible as well as anyone in my circle of friends.
Hopefully we’re not the only ones listening.
by Stephanie Maloney
Every year around “Tax Time” consumers, across the board, get hit with opportunities to “turn that refund into a lot of money” and this year some of it is coming a “Bit Coin” at a time.
Scams that have historically targeted retirees, widows and widowers are now bleeding out to include the newly single. The promise of fantastic returns on even small investments involving “Crypto Currencies” and “Block Chains” is a familiar tale echoing the old hustles of Oil & Gas and Gold & Silver back in the eighties. These scams always prey upon the “fear of missing out” and for a certain percentage of people it always works.
If you, like many of us at a certain age, are engaged in parental care you’ve already heard about some “incredible” offers being made online to “make those retirement funds really pay off”. It’s a relative new development for people to say ‘I know Dad ever since the divorce those things started showing up every day”. Since it’s all online one bad decision might open a “Pandora’s Box” of connected problems.
One of the insidious aspects of this “currency investment” is that it has become all too easy to use the pitch “no traditional broker can make money from it so they steer you away from it”.
That strategy plays deeper into the “missing out” fear and makes it a lot easier to push those buttons and “get in” on something they think is a deal “too good to miss”.
You’re going to see more about this so “be careful out there” as the “Woodsman” said to “Little Red Riding Hood.”
by Stephanie Maloney
A man was being questioned late Wednesday in connection with a threat to Pierce College that prompted administrators to cancel classes for the night, officials said. Someone overheard the threat and reported it to authorities, according to the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department.
That’s exactly the way it’s supposed to go when it happens except for the part where it’s happening when my child and I are in the car on our way to a class at Pierce College.
All of a sudden the cliché “all politics are local” makes mothers like me want to scream at the “talking heads” (apologies to David Byrne) on the TV screen. We have seen too many parents bury children and too many children bury friends. What these kids in Parkland are doing with their fear and anger is amazing.
My other child still in school was in the middle of 2 shootings at UCLA last year and we’re lucky that she is a strong young woman and able to talk with us about it.
The elevated level of anxiety is something we are trying to address with the kids but it is hard to do in a divorce.
I can only encourage you to work as a team-this co-parenting thing is not going to get any easier. If an opportunity to show the kids that we, the adults in the room are going to find a way to make this stop please take it as the kids need to believe we’re “gonna be all right”.
by Stephanie Maloney
When Frances McDormand stood asking the “women with projects” in the Academy Awards audience to stand and be seen, with an assist from Meryl Streep, it began the largest “let’s take a meeting” conversation in Hollywood history.
Imagine “women who tell the stories about women” getting an equal opportunity to at least pitch those ideas to the real decision-makers. The fact that those people are mostly men is another conversation.
The #MeToo phenomenon has actually put some cracks in the invisible walls and ceilings of our entertainment institutions-and that’s a good thing-a really good thing.
Go do what you can to show your support for what you believe in and by all means, if you haven’t already; go see Three Billboards and Shape of Water.
by Stephanie Maloney
The more I read about how little time people have for things they’d like to do the question remains about how to make time for things they need to do. That always brings me around to creating opportunities for a friendly exchange of information in a relaxed setting.
What we’re talking about is a “Divorce Support Group” designed to give people a chance to compare notes and share “strategies”. Managing the divorce process means being prepared to meet the constant challenges that an ever-changing landscape often presents.
Instead of just an exchange amongst peers I’m thinking about inviting people from different disciplines such as the Real Estate and the Investment sectors. It seems that as our time gets harder to control it might help to “double up” and combine opportunities to exchange and discover new resources for securing a better future.
by Stephanie Maloney
January 2019 may be far out on the calendar but a survey from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) got my attention with some calculations about alimony and acrimony.
Chicago, IL, February 14, 2018 – It seems that the federal government has made divorce a more emotionally taxing proposition for the nation. According to a survey of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML), an overwhelming 95% of members anticipate the new tax plan will change the ways in which divorces are settled and a clear majority of 64% believes that the cases will now become more acrimonious. In addition, 62% of the respondents feel that the changes in the tax plan offers a greater benefit to the payee in terms of spousal support and 59% are finding that husbands are showing a greater sense of concern in regards to the repeal of the alimony deduction.
“The new tax plan will most certainly alter the ways in which divorce cases are settled and couples need to be prepared for these changes,” said Madeline Marzano-Lesnevich, president of the AAML. “The elimination of the alimony tax deduction has removed a powerful negotiating tool and turned it into a difficult stumbling block for spouses trying to settle a divorce.”
Fortunately, by definition, in mediation sessions we start with the goal being a level playing field and both parties in agreement about complete transparency.
If alimony is a factor in your life be prepared for changes. You will have a clearer picture after tax season and then roughly six months to renegotiate your settlement. I say six months because you’ll want to done well before the end of the year. As post-settlement renegotiating is one of our specialties please give a call and we’ll talk about your situation and how we might be of help.
To view this on the AAML website click here
by Stephanie Maloney
“Divorce is always toughest on the children” has been a very old mantra for very demonstrable reasons. As much as we try to shield them from the negativity that comes with the divorce process the after-effects are felt for years. It’s how we deal with co-parenting issues on a daily basis that sets the tone and the example for the family to help guide them in the direction of good decisions.
How incredible is it that the kids in Florida are now turning around to show us the path to a smarter decision.
How does a child process a parent not being able to explain why students, like them, are being shot and why the grown ups don’t make it stop. Apparently one way these Florida kids discovered was to get on a bus, go to the Capitol(s) and “Call BS”. BRAVO!
This is one that both parents can reinforce with the family and offer support if anyone wants to get involved. It’s one of those times to “reach across the family aisle” towards a common goal because it just makes sense.
Congratulations on the Gold to the USA Women’s Hockey Team-the goaltender, Rooney, is from Minnesota.
by Stephanie Maloney
Even if you don’t have “Olympic Fever” there are always some great moments worth watching. Because I skated competitively growing up in Minnesota I’m reminded how important teamwork is to even the individualevents. The research and planning that are part of the preparation process involve many people and have a lot to do with the final results.
Relying on a team is something that starts before every divorce and continues afterwards as you reshape your life. You are still going to need advice from professionals after the settlement to protect your assets as well as your own peace of mind. There are also going to be people in your social circles with whom you’ll network and exchange resources. Those same people will be grateful for the perspective and suggestions that you bring to the table.
Working in Divorce Mediation I get a good look at how willing people are to share when they believe it will be of help. If you have gone through the mediation process you can be very comfortable with telling people it may not be right for them if they are NOT in mutual agreement with their spouse. If, however, they are on the same page then they can “go for the gold” and take home a “medal worthy ” settlement.
by Stephanie Maloney
The pictures from the Florida School shooting will be tough to digest and tougher to forget. Without getting maudlin-hug the kids a little tighter, a little longer and get some pizza and ice cream-or just a smoothie and some sushi. Whatever it is do something ordinary that you don’t ordinarily do even if it means taking some time from your workday.
If the kids are not an option go do something that you enjoy. Valentine’s Day is always a tough one because memories uncontrollably come rolling over us; and it’s tough to block out just the bad ones.
If nothing else go do something physical that will have its own rewards. There are a couple of months left before the warm weather starts and you will feel better if you look better and just walking can help put color in your cheeks.
If you’d like to talk with some other people dealing with Divorce we’re starting a support group on Tuesday nights. Send an email to:
and we’ll let you know all the details as they are finalized
by Stephanie Maloney
The new tax legislation will necessitate adjustments for many people dealing with alimony payments-both paying and receiving.
When you start to factor in things like tuition and college debt you get a sense of where your strategy needs to shift in order to maintain sufficient protection for your assets.
Your tax advisor is going to be swamped with requests from people worried about the deductions they have relied upon for some real relief before April 15Th. You can get a head start by assembling whatever (receipts etc.) you posses as well as your various investment and interest 1099’s and charitable contributions.
The more you can do before the tax appointment is more time the accountant can take to make certain you get all the deductions you are entitled to receive. You may even need to change your W-2 status to match the new money dynamics of the altered tax structure.
If you do need to make some changes it might maximize the process to do it as soon as possible. We’ve worked with some great advisors if you need some referrals.
by Stephanie Maloney
If individual stocks or mutual funds are associated with your divorce, whether by mediation or litigation, don’t panic because of the recent market volatility. When people “inherit” equities it can take some time to learn how to properly keep track of them.
In my many years in the investment sector I witnessed corrections similar to what we are seeing recently and they are an organic part of our financial dynamics.
“You can’t time the market” has been a longtime mantra in a very self-explanatory way because of its simple but indisputable message-just accept it.
What you can do is talk to your investment advisor about whether any changes might be warranted. More often than not “riding out the storm” will be the safest strategy but if your life situation is changing you can adapt accordingly.