Divorced Dads and Poor Health

This recent article from Divorce Magazine caught my attention because it highlights a very real problem that plagues a significant percentage of divorces in general.

I have heard some long-time professionals suggest that some of the angst in the White House is related to post-divorce health problems on a multiple scale.

One of the primary reasons that we see for Divorce Mediation being effective is that cooperation towards a common goal is the driving dynamic.

Anything that reduces the frustration and the duration of the divorce process only serves to facilitate the recovery process.

Some couples, especially where the wife has handled healthcare coordination, continue to communicate to ensure Dad is “taking his medications”. Here are a few highlights and a link to the whole article.

Divorced Fathers Face Increased Health Risks Because of Divorce

By Joseph E. Cordell Updated: August 07,  2018

“Divorce is the second-most stressful life event behind only the death of a spouse or child. After experiencing so much anxiety, heartache, and general upheaval, your health is bound to suffer.”

“Research shows that divorce puts men at risk for a number of long-term health problems. Divorce increases the rate of early mortality for men by up to 250%. They also are more at-risk of developing cardiovascular disease, hypertension, depression, suicide, substance abuse, and cancer.” 

Men are less likely to go to the doctor for regular check-ups.

“For many reasons, it seems tougher for guys to get back on their feet after divorce than it is for women. Research shows that women might experience more emotional turmoil after a split, but men have more difficulty recovering.

Respecting Aretha

Aretha Franklin

If you have kids that aren’t sure who Aretha Franklin is please crank up the music box to eleven (Apologies to Spinal Tap) and let that big beautiful voice fill the room.

Her voice “demanded” respect from anyone that heard it from her beloved Detroit to the LA “Freeway of Love” whether you were in a Volvo or a “Pink Cadillac”the ride was justbetter with Aretha on the box.

What better time to stress the importance of respect when we seem to see such a lack of it in our everyday lives.

Aretha took a stand when “colored people” couldn’t sit on the bus and she lifted up those same people like a song from the choir when they saw how much “Respect” a brilliant black woman could generate even amongst those that didn’t go to the same church.

Family To-Do Ideas List

 

“When you can’t do what you want you do what you can

Whether or not anybody ever actually said that doesn’t matter; it’s the message that counts. The power that exists in the hands of the people looking for a betterway to handle our current problems was exhibited this weekend across the country. I have included a graphic, to enhance the optics of the event.

Here are some links to sources of action. Some of this is tied into the retirement of Justice Kennedy and the inherent potential threat to Roe vs. Wade represented by President Trump’s likely nominee.

“Family Separation Protests Shift the Narrative”The Atlantic, June 30, 2018

“Protesters flood US cities to fight Trump immigration policy” – Associated Press, July 1, 2018

“In 50 states, hundreds of thousands protest immigration policy, with focus on midterms” – USA Today, June 30, 2018

Rallies For The Right Thing

Here is some info about the national day of rallies taking place for people that want to be seen and heard about the families being separated at the border.

Let them know that this is no way to run our country.

Thanks to powerful public pressure, the Trump administration has been forced to shift its outrageous treatment of immigrant children. We have momentum—but we’re far from done.

The executive order that Donald Trump signed today is not the solution. It allows the indefinite incarceration of immigrant families in federal prisons, and there is still no plan to reunify the thousands of families that have been forcibly separated. Which is why we must continue to stand together at hundreds of events nationwide on Saturday, June 30, to say that families belong together—and freeClick here to join the June 30 event near you to Keep Families Together and free and reject Trump’s brutal policies.

Divorce And Suicide – All Too Related

by Stephanie Maloney

Divorce And Suicide – All Too Related - Divorce Mediation - Los AngelesEven if you don’t shop for “Designer” fashions there’s a good chance the name “Kate Spade” is one you’ve seen somewhere before her recent suicide.

Suicide is still near the top of the list of tough subjects to discuss with the kids. Trying to find the “middle ground” for co-parenting on almost anything can be difficult but explaining “choosing to die” would be tough even for “Papa Freud”. We can only imagine what it’s like for the families that have gone through it and keep talking with each other to keep issues from festering into a toxic situation.

There are several pieces that I recommend for ideas and perspectives about this haunting subject:

NY Times by Vanessa Friedman 

The husband, Andy Spade, said there were no plans to divorce. Mr. Spade was speaking publicly for the first time since her death was announced on Tuesday.

“We were in touch with her the night before and she sounded happy. There was no indication and no warning that she would do this. It was a complete shock.


CICERO ESTRELLA

MERCURY NEWS | June 6, 2018, 11:59AM

Kate and Andy Spade were having marital difficulties before she died of an apparent suicide by hanging, according to a number of reports.

“Kate and Andy were having relationship problems,” according to a source who spoke with People.

Law enforcement sources told TMZ that Spade was depressed in the last days of her life because her husband wanted a divorce, and she didn’t want to end the marriage. Andy Spade also wasn’t living in the home, but in a nearby apartment.


Divorceinfo.com

Helping real people move through divorce

Suicide and Divorce

I’ve got bad news for you about suicide. One recent study by the National Institute for Healthcare Research in Rockville, MD indicates that divorced people are three times as likely to commit suicide as people who are married. The Institute says that divorce now ranks as the number one factor linked with suicide rates in major U.S. cities, ranking above all other physical, financial, and psychological factors.

Temporary “Phonelessness” Is OK

by Stephanie Maloney

Temporary “Phonelessness” Is OKCo-parenting is tough enough without having to wonder if you’re one text away from that phone call from the Highway Patrol. Nobody wants to be the cop in the family even when it makes sense to everybody else.

We all abuse the privilege of using the phone while driving so it’s tough being tough on the kids without hearing “you both do it and you’re the only one that gives me grief about it”. Just what you don’t need-playing mom & dad off each other.

With 400,000 “distracted driving” related injuries recorded in 2015 the (growing) numbers are too much for parents or teens to ignore and teens are four times more likely to be unlucky.

There are no easy answers but I keep reading about families that set their own guidelines and act on the “honor system” when driving alone-parents included.

March Against Madness-Madness Actually Responds

by Stephanie Maloney

Imagine Frances McDormand outside your house of white with 500,000 walking, breathing, two-legged billboards demanding action about the killing of her child.

Apparently, if all politics are local, then all school shootings are now personal. Isn’t it about time we all find some unifying spirit through these kids for actually doing something and isn’t a pity that what’s holding us back is people with a “philosophy” like that of Rick Santorum:

Former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum said Sunday that students would be better off “taking CPR classes” than marching for “phony gun laws.

“How about kids, instead of looking to someone else to solve their problem, do something about maybe taking CPR classes…so that when there is a violent shooter that you can actually respond to that,” Santorum said on CNN’s ‘State of the Union.’

The onetime presidential hopeful, said participants in Saturday’s nationwide March for Our Lives events were “passing the buck to their representatives when they should be preparing to respond to the next mass shooting”.

This must be precisely what is enraging these “kids,” when they hear the words “…the next mass shooting…” with the same echo of acceptance as if there is nothing that can be done. They are indeed “passing the buck” but it’s going back to people that are supposed to paying the tab for safety not to the people hiding under the desks.

In cities across the globe people marched in support of common sense and as even The Pope had advised they shouted that we’ve had enough of parents burying children and children burying friends. In Denmark, for example, Finnish exchange student Iida Keskinen told CNN the idea that mass shootings have become the norm “…has really shook me…I wanted to make sure I had even a small impact in supporting this cause,” she said.

Maybe if she were Norwegian Mr. Trump would listen.

Academy Women Rise to the Occasion

by Stephanie Maloney

When Frances McDormand stood asking the “women with projects” in the Academy Awards audience to stand and be seen, with an assist from Meryl Streep, it began the largest “let’s take a meeting” conversation in Hollywood history.

Imagine “women who tell the stories about women” getting an equal opportunity to at least pitch those ideas to the real decision-makers. The fact that those people are mostly men is another conversation.

The #MeToo phenomenon has actually put some cracks in the invisible walls and ceilings of our entertainment institutions-and that’s a good thing-a really good thing.

Go do what you can to show your support for what you believe in and by all means, if you haven’t already; go see Three Billboards and Shape of Water.

Healing Trauma

by Alison Marcelino and Stephanie Maloney

As part of the Conscious Uncoupling training, we attended a lecture given by Judy Waters, MFT, discussing “Healing Breakup Trauma.” In her talk, Ms. Waters explains how a break up can “live” in our body. If we have had childhood abandonment issues, a breakup will stimulate those early wounds. A client may show up in the divorce process as an angry, scared five-year-old child dressed in adult clothing.

Ms. Waters told us that the key to understanding trauma is to realize that it refers to an extreme stress that affects a person’s ability to cope with life. Psychologically, it is an overwhelming emotion and a feeling of utter helplessness.

The experience of trauma is subjective. Trauma, “big T” and trauma, “little t” are two different things. It is important to know the difference because experiencing death, divorce, or a move is a huge change of identity and context. Conversely, opening the refrigerator and finding your ex’s favorite mustard may not seem traumatizing, but often it is the small “t’s” that cause us to revert to that place of despondency. This is the re-experience of our previous abandonment wound or sustained trauma that is flooding our brains with stress hormones making clarity impossible.

When we are partnering with other professionals and working with our clients, we must keep the reality of their physiological emotional landscape at the forefront of our minds.

What I have noticed is everyone who has experienced trauma ends up expressing it differently. The most common responses include: abusing drugs, alcohol, or other self-destructive behaviors. However, there are also covert expressions to notice, such as an overwhelming investment into the details of the process, or conversely a lack of presence or ownership in the process.
As divorce professionals, we need to identify the trauma experience both for our clients and ourselves. Trauma is unavoidable. Acknowledging and allowing the trauma to be present gives an opportunity for healing.

Judy Waters is a Licensed Psychotherapist, a Spiritual Counselor, a Calling in “The One” Coach and a Feminine Power Coach. She has a private practice where she specializes in helping her clients overcome trauma, domestic violence, sexual abuse, eating disorders, relationship, family and career challenges. For more information please go to www.judyawaters.com