Overstaying In A Bad Marriage

I came across this article and recognized some of the dynamics as themes that we see at PeaceTalks on a regular and all too frequent basis. It sometimes helps if an idea about an important decision process comes from a third party so feel free to share this with anyone.

Why You Stayed in That Unhappy
Relationship for Too Long

By Ian Kerner, CNN

Recent studies suggest that people stay in unsatisfying relationships because they’re concerned about hurting their partner’s feelings.

“In my experience, there are most often underlying fears and insecurities that prevent people from moving forward into a life that might be less comfortable but ultimately happier and more authentic. These couples tend to settle into a ‘good enough’ relationship,” sex therapist Holly Richmond said. “But there is almost always a point where it’s obvious that not good enough is truly not good enough, and it causes more harm to the unhappy person to stay than it would to their partner if they left.”

Concerns about children, finances, friends, lifestyle and standing in the community can also influence the decision to stay together. “In my practice, I see clients who stay in relationships because they’re worried they won’t find another partner, while others remain because they don’t want to deprive their children from having the other parent in their day-to-day life,” sex therapist Sari Cooper said.

But staying in an unhappy relationship doesn’t do anyone any favors, sex therapist Kristen Lilla said. “Staying because you don’t want to hurt someone else is selfish because it takes away the other person’s agency to make a decision,” she explained. “You are deciding that your partner will not be OK without you, so you stay with them out of pity.”

These are a few examples of why we make sure that anyone that comes to PeaceTalks has access to a behavioral health professional in case a “need to talk to someone” situation needs some support. We understand the process that determines the decision and your first call might need to be to someone other than a lawyer in order to make an informed decision.

Here is a link to the entire article

“Maverick” and “FL Madness”

Even people that did not agree with John McCain about public policy had to admire him for his service and for having the cajones to stand up to bullies.

If your kids are video game enthusiasts and seem in any way disturbed by the tragedy in Jacksonville don’t hesitate to stop and let them talk or ask questions. You may not have enough answers and be looking for resources.  Whether you are co-parenting or not this is something that needs attention.

I came across a really clear and concise encapsulation of the “gun problem” in our country today. It might come in handy for your older kids but the younger ones will need as much attention as any and all “parental units” can provide. This is, of course, the first shooting “Live Streamed”to be seen and heard by anyone with the proper access.  How many kids were watching isn’t known yet. Here’s the link and a few facts:

America can prevent shootings like Jacksonville.
But it must come to terms with its gun problem.

By German Lopez
@germanrlopez | german.lopez@vox.com |  Aug 27, 2018, 10:40am EDT

“The research, compiled by the Harvard School of Public Health’s Injury Control Research Center, is pretty clear: After controlling for variables such as socioeconomic factors and other crime, places with more guns have more gun deaths. Researchers have found this to be true not just with homicides, but also with suicides (which in recent years were around 60 percent of US gun deaths), domestic violence, and even violence against police.

But as far as homicides go, people with mental illnesses are more likely to be victims, not perpetrators, of violence. And Michael Stone, a psychiatrist at Columbia University who maintains a database of mass shooters, wrote in a 2015 analysis that only 52 out of the 235 killers in the database, or about 22 percent, had mental illnesses. “The mentally ill should not bear the burden of being regarded as the ‘chief’ perpetrators of mass murder,” he concluded. Other research has backed this up.

None of that is to say that milder measures are useless. Connecticut’s law requiring handgun purchasers to first pass a background check and obtain a license, for example, was followed by a 40 percent drop in gun homicides and a 15 percent reduction in handgun suicides.”

 If you’d like to contact people in the government to let them know how you feel here is a link:

https://www.usa.gov/elected-officials

 

Divorced Dads and Poor Health

This recent article from Divorce Magazine caught my attention because it highlights a very real problem that plagues a significant percentage of divorces in general.

I have heard some long-time professionals suggest that some of the angst in the White House is related to post-divorce health problems on a multiple scale.

One of the primary reasons that we see for Divorce Mediation being effective is that cooperation towards a common goal is the driving dynamic.

Anything that reduces the frustration and the duration of the divorce process only serves to facilitate the recovery process.

Some couples, especially where the wife has handled healthcare coordination, continue to communicate to ensure Dad is “taking his medications”. Here are a few highlights and a link to the whole article.

Divorced Fathers Face Increased Health Risks Because of Divorce

By Joseph E. Cordell Updated: August 07,  2018

“Divorce is the second-most stressful life event behind only the death of a spouse or child. After experiencing so much anxiety, heartache, and general upheaval, your health is bound to suffer.”

“Research shows that divorce puts men at risk for a number of long-term health problems. Divorce increases the rate of early mortality for men by up to 250%. They also are more at-risk of developing cardiovascular disease, hypertension, depression, suicide, substance abuse, and cancer.” 

Men are less likely to go to the doctor for regular check-ups.

“For many reasons, it seems tougher for guys to get back on their feet after divorce than it is for women. Research shows that women might experience more emotional turmoil after a split, but men have more difficulty recovering.

Divorce And Suicide – All Too Related

by Stephanie Maloney

Divorce And Suicide – All Too Related - Divorce Mediation - Los AngelesEven if you don’t shop for “Designer” fashions there’s a good chance the name “Kate Spade” is one you’ve seen somewhere before her recent suicide.

Suicide is still near the top of the list of tough subjects to discuss with the kids. Trying to find the “middle ground” for co-parenting on almost anything can be difficult but explaining “choosing to die” would be tough even for “Papa Freud”. We can only imagine what it’s like for the families that have gone through it and keep talking with each other to keep issues from festering into a toxic situation.

There are several pieces that I recommend for ideas and perspectives about this haunting subject:

NY Times by Vanessa Friedman 

The husband, Andy Spade, said there were no plans to divorce. Mr. Spade was speaking publicly for the first time since her death was announced on Tuesday.

“We were in touch with her the night before and she sounded happy. There was no indication and no warning that she would do this. It was a complete shock.


CICERO ESTRELLA

MERCURY NEWS | June 6, 2018, 11:59AM

Kate and Andy Spade were having marital difficulties before she died of an apparent suicide by hanging, according to a number of reports.

“Kate and Andy were having relationship problems,” according to a source who spoke with People.

Law enforcement sources told TMZ that Spade was depressed in the last days of her life because her husband wanted a divorce, and she didn’t want to end the marriage. Andy Spade also wasn’t living in the home, but in a nearby apartment.


Divorceinfo.com

Helping real people move through divorce

Suicide and Divorce

I’ve got bad news for you about suicide. One recent study by the National Institute for Healthcare Research in Rockville, MD indicates that divorced people are three times as likely to commit suicide as people who are married. The Institute says that divorce now ranks as the number one factor linked with suicide rates in major U.S. cities, ranking above all other physical, financial, and psychological factors.

Mental Health First Aid

by Stephanie Maloney

Mental Health First AidLiving by “The Venice Beach Boardwalk” for the past twenty years has provided my family many opportunities to experience a wide spectrum of residents and visitors. As co-parents, we’ve all had to try to explain to the kids why there are people sleeping on the sidewalks and in the bushes no matter whose house they are at. They even have street people in Beverly Hills.

Trying to explain how somebody’s Dad was stabbed in a restaurant in Ventura is something of an impossible task. I am at a complete loss for words when faced with the inevitable “How can this happen, Mom?”  A letter in the LA Times, from David Eckhouse of Long Beach, led me to an organization that might provide some hope for forming a proper response and a proactive conduit for change.

“Since the National Council brought Mental Health First Aid to the United States a decade ago, more than 1 million individuals have been trained – including everyone from police officers, teachers, and employers to former First Lady Michelle Obama, former Congressman Patrick Kennedy, NFL wide receiver Brandon Marshall and television personality Dr. Oz. Lady Gaga’s Born This Way Foundation partnered with the National Council to train 150,000 First Aiders.”

Eckhouse further explains, “Decompressing an agitated person and staving an assault is an often-performed task that provides a valuable community service”

This is exactly the kind of training that all responders should be given access to and our lawmakers should hear from us about making that happen.