Less Painful Divorces

With just less than half of married partners ending in divorce, therapists over time have developed some suggestions for making the process possibly less painful for everyone.

You will see from these suggestions why PeaceTalks always makes sure a therapist is available for both parties for every session. You can see a thread with these ideas that reinforces the principle that this is between the two of you and nobody else.

It’s always a great thing when a couple gets helpful advice but one of the primary benefits of Divorce Mediation is the fact that you are in control.

Once the decision is made the announcement should be as simple, heartfelt, and brief as possible.

The reaction might seem to call for an explanation but it’s best to let things play out before getting into the “why’s” and “how’s” of your relationship and its new direction.

Unsolicited advice will be one of the first reactions you encounter and remember it’s not your job to justify your decisions or to act upon a loved one’s advice. You can always be grateful but non-committal as you navigate through the well intentioned and the misinformed.

Divorce – Ready or Not?

Recently, I’ve been encountering a lot of feedback related to people “rushing” to a divorce, before being informed, as to what needs to be done ahead of time. Here are some of the recurring themes that many therapists and advisors caution about when facing this decision. At Peace Talks we offer discernment counseling to help you decide whether to get divorced. We believe the most important agreement is HOW you go through the process and we offer a free orientation to learn all the options.

Most couples starting a divorce are unprepared and this lack of preparedness can cause a marriage to end prematurely or deteriorate into a competition.

Pondering divorce for a long time before acting on it buys into the false belief that they’ve thought about it thoroughly and are ready.

There is a natural tendency for people to want to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible in order to move on with their lives.

 At Peace Talks, as with all mediation specialists, one of our first considerations is finding the proper guide to help deal with the inevitable stress and emotional difficulties to come. The right professional help with the intangibles is at leastas important as the financials. Having someone who’s objective and experienced advising you through these difficulties can be invaluable. It’s all too easy for anger to take control without a co-pilot.

Once you feel after you have sought professional help for a few months and accepted your own responsibility, that a divorce is the right choice, thenmake a plan. Many therapists are suggesting mediation instead of litigation when appropriate to spare the patient money and pain. For people that come to us from a lawyer or financial advisor we have a group of therapists listed on our website.

If you’d like to ask some questions about your situation please contact the office anytime.

Stress Rehearsal

Every now and then even a “general” survey can be of use for a “specific” purpose. Dr. Grande highlights four common stress sources, from the Harris Interactive survey, for couples today and two of them are about sex. The other two are about money, (surprise! surprise!), making it and spending it. There is no delineation made as to whether a divorce was involved, by either partner, but the issues transcend marital history, as stress is a problem before and after separation of any kind.

For example, the issue with what can go wrong when you can’t leave the work-related stress behind before you hit the front door is universal.

The suggestion she makes about de-stressing during the commute is one I’ve heard from professionals echoing the mantra of simply turning off the phone for at least thirty minutes prior to your arrival. Good luck with that.

There are no simple fixes for complicated matters but be assured that noprogress will happen without a dialogue. If meeting with someone is not possible then look into an online consultation so that you can explore all your options.

If you need some help contact my office anytime.

The Top 4 Stressors for Couples Today
A recent survey identifies the most common problems.
by Dianne Grande Ph.D.

1. Work-related stress was identified as a key factor in relationship conflicts by 35 percent of the respondents.
“Depending upon the type of commute you have, you may even be able to de-stress on your way home.”
2. Being too tired for sex was identified as a key factor by 33 percent of those who completed the interview.
“You can plan times when you are least likely to be tired.”
3. Low sex drive was identified by 28 percent of respondents as a key cause of stress in their relationship.
“One common underlying problem may be a negative body image-shift your thoughts and focus on what you like about yourself, rather than the flaws you perceive.”
4. Arguments about money were identified by 27 percent of the respondents as key to their distress as a couple.
“It is far healthier to equalize power than to use money in order to assert control over a partner.”

Read the full article from Psychology Today here