Letter To MacKenzie Bezos

To: MacKenzie Bezos
c/o The Los Angeles Times

Dear Mackenzie,

As a divorce mediator I would, on behalf of my colleagues, like to thank you for the brilliant encapsulation of the goals that we’d like all our couples to achieve. As a divorced mom I know that these are the things that my kids should never have doubts about for the rest of our lives together. The quote below will be displayed in our office so that every couple walking in the door sees how high the bar is set and what we are committed to accomplishing with them.

Gratefully Yours,

Stephanie M. Maloney
PeaceTalks Mediation

“We want to make people aware of a development in our lives. As our family and close friends know, after a long period of loving exploration and trial separation, we have decided to divorce and continue our shared lives as friends. We feel incredibly lucky to have found each other and deeply grateful for every one of the years we have been married to each other. If we had known we would separate after 25 years, we would do it all again. We’ve had such a great life together as a married couple, and we also see wonderful futures ahead, as parents, friends, partners in ventures and projects, and as individuals in pursuing ventures and adventures. Though the labels might be different, we remain a family, and we remain cherished friends.”

Family Disputes: Money Matters

Of all the issues that come up with co-parenting “families of divorce” none are as insidious or downright ugly as “matters of money”. Having attained status as a C.F.P. over the years, I witnessed some of the acrimony the author describes and she is, unfortunately, not exaggerating.

The end of the year will often be an important “plumb line” for decisions about finances and investment assets, in particular. So with the changes to Alimony Payments along with some other adjustments in the Tax Code there might be a few unpleasant surprises that warrant discussion and, as the author points out, a lawyer’s office may not facilitate thebest overall result. If you, or anyone you know, comes into a situation like this and help might be needed please contact me with your questions.

Here is the link to an article by Carolyn Rosenblatt in which she advises F.A.’s to consider a mediator if and when they come up against a real struggle.

What Can Advisors Do When Family Disputes Threaten Client Wealth?

Mediation can be an effective way to reach agreements.

Carolyn Rosenblatt | Aug 20, 2018 | Wealth Management

Sometimes it’s fighting between parents and the next generation. Sometimes it’s sibling conflictsthat have existed for many years. Unresolved family disputes can destroy successful intergenerational wealth transfer with or without a family business at stake. When you’re managing the money, it can feel like torture seeing your clients behave so destructively. Expensive lawsuits or standoffs that damage businesses the family is arguing aboutcan threaten the very work you’ve done over time. You’ve tried to preserve wealth and keep families on track. They can ruin your best efforts.

Mediation is one underutilized way to resolve conflicts. You may be able to help your clients by suggesting mediation and finding a good mediator.

It starts with the help of a trained and qualified mediator who understands conflict resolution principles as a professional. The purpose isn’t to change any individual’s personal traits; rather, it’s to see if the family can come to some rules of engagement on the path to reaching agreements on specific issues. Focus isn’t on who’s right or wrong. It’s on the tasks at hand. Reaching an agreement about division of authority can be a major step forward.

Based on my own experience over many years of being an advocate at mediation in lawsuits, I saw that most of the time, matters get settled by the mediation process.

Perhaps the greatest benefit of a family mediation is that the underlying emotions that typically drive the conflict can come to the surface in a neutral setting. The mediator guides the discussion and helps each party identify and clarify what they want, guiding them to their own solutions.  Generally, this isn’t something they can do on their own. They’re too caught up in resentment, anger, fear or other feelings.

Read the full article here

Divorced Dads and Poor Health

This recent article from Divorce Magazine caught my attention because it highlights a very real problem that plagues a significant percentage of divorces in general.

I have heard some long-time professionals suggest that some of the angst in the White House is related to post-divorce health problems on a multiple scale.

One of the primary reasons that we see for Divorce Mediation being effective is that cooperation towards a common goal is the driving dynamic.

Anything that reduces the frustration and the duration of the divorce process only serves to facilitate the recovery process.

Some couples, especially where the wife has handled healthcare coordination, continue to communicate to ensure Dad is “taking his medications”. Here are a few highlights and a link to the whole article.

Divorced Fathers Face Increased Health Risks Because of Divorce

By Joseph E. Cordell Updated: August 07,  2018

“Divorce is the second-most stressful life event behind only the death of a spouse or child. After experiencing so much anxiety, heartache, and general upheaval, your health is bound to suffer.”

“Research shows that divorce puts men at risk for a number of long-term health problems. Divorce increases the rate of early mortality for men by up to 250%. They also are more at-risk of developing cardiovascular disease, hypertension, depression, suicide, substance abuse, and cancer.” 

Men are less likely to go to the doctor for regular check-ups.

“For many reasons, it seems tougher for guys to get back on their feet after divorce than it is for women. Research shows that women might experience more emotional turmoil after a split, but men have more difficulty recovering.

Ms. Nightingale Would Approve

The Florence Immigrant and Refugee Rights Project is the only organization in Arizona that provides free legal and social services to detained men, women, and children under threat of deportation.

This got my attention in connection with a story about the horrible backlog of separated families created by inept policies and procedures. It’s difficult to focus on how to help when there are so many unjust situations but I think this one deserves a spotlight. They don’t get a lot of attention and could certainly put to direct use any support from any source.

On any given day 5,000 immigrant men, women, and unaccompanied minors are detained in Arizona.

Detained immigrants facing deportation in the U.S. do not have the right to a public defender. Without representation, many will lose their case and get sent back to the conditions they are fleeing. To some, this is a death sentence.

firrp.org

You can use the link if you’d like to find out more.

FYI: Ms. Nightingale was indeed named for the city of her birth in Italy and felt she “had a calling from God” so she went to nurse soldiers in the Crimean War.

Here is a quote from Florence that pretty nicely sums up what people are facing at the border:

“How very little can be done under the spirit of fear.”

June 30th For Families and MD Shooting

There are thousands of events across the country scheduled for Saturday to give people a chance to make a statement about the administration’s approach to handling requests for asylum.  Here are a couple of familiar names that are encouraging people to add their voices and signs:

America Ferrera
“Seeing thousands of immigrant families torn apart, I am devastated and beyond furious.”

Alyssa Milano
“I believe that what this administration is doing at the border is a “crime against humanity,” and it is on us to stop it.”

Make sure you and everyone you know has signed up to take action this Saturday, June 30th by sharing this image on Facebook:

Join me on June 30 in Washington, D.C., or in a city near you to demand an end to this disgusting family separation policy.

I will pass along any information about special funds for the benefit of the families affected by the MD shootings. Hopefully we will figure out a better way to do things…soon.

Stop Separating Families

by Stephanie Maloney

As we get ready for Father’s Day we might take time to show some thanks by supporting an incredibly worthy family cause.

I’m not advocating for the organization other than this subject makes a lot of parents I talk with physically nauseous, especially the heart rending photographs.

It’s not possible for most of us to make an appearance for the deserving causes that we face but I wanted to pass this along for anyone that might want to be there.

For those that need another way to show support, here is an example of one link to sign a petition for Congress to take action. https://act.credoaction.com/sign/no_family_separation

MoveOn members across the country are joining Families Belong Together events on Thursday, June 14, to oppose the cruel, inhumane, and unjustified separation of children from their parents at U.S. borders. Communities are seeing the devastating and lasting effects this policy could have and are ready to speak out. Local activists planned this day of action across the country, not a national organization, because they know families can’t wait. Action is needed now.

Under this Trump administration policy pushed by Attorney General Sessions and defended by Homeland Security Secretary Nielsen, ICE and Border Patrol agents have torn more than 650 children from their families in just two weeks in May! Thousands of children have been taken from their parents and detained in cages since this policy was adopted in 2017.

With Father’s Day approaching, now is the time to protest these abuses and demand reform.

JOIN US TO DEMAND AN END TO THIS INHUMANE PRACTICE!
WHERE: MACARTHUR PARK  (IN LOS ANGELES)
WHEN: THURSDAY, JUNE 14, 5:00 PM
WHAT: JOIN US TO DEMAND AN END TO FAMILY SEPARATION AND DETENTION

Unplugging To Connect

by Stephanie Maloney

Unplugging to ConnectEvery family that I interact with has difficulty creating and managing their time together. By definition, Divorce creates two entities from one source. With our technology, it sounds crazy to admit that we have trouble connecting with each other but that is the reality for a lot of people. This is all about spending time together not time spent typing together.

There was a nice piece in the LA Times a few weeks ago by Catherine Price who writes about “Breaking Up With Your Phone” and avoiding screens not people.

It made me think about how easy it is to mistake texting with talking when someone asks about the kids and we say we just spoke and we mean text messages were exchanged.

Actual “Face Time” not the video application is sort of the Holy Grail of raising kids and excruciatingly so when divorced. It’s tough to compete with all the available options for kids out there but some people are getting creative in efforts to bring new spins on things to the table.

One family that caught my attention is using the bowling alley and the miniature golf course with their phones turned off until they are all finished. They all take turns keeping score and making reservations as well as handling the gear. Some people are applying that technique to the dinner hour or other shared activities in order to really connect with each other instead of their equipment.

Whatever it is I’d like to think that there’s something we can do together that doesn’t involve screens-unless it’s the screen on the back door of a cabin on a lake.

50 Million People Can be Wronged

by Stephanie Maloney

50 Million People Can be WrongedIt’s an old advertising ploy used by promoters for everything from cigarettes to soap; postulating, “If so many other people are doing it how can they all be wrong?” The simple answer is they were sold out – literally.

Mr. Zuckerberg has stepped up in a somewhat delayed timeline to acknowledge that like the captain of a ship he is responsible for whatever happens with his vessel.

He will now face a barrage of questions in D.C. to explain the massive borrowing of personal data by Cambridge Analytica for the purposes of obfuscating information related to the candidates in the 2016 elections.

Facebook gives away its services in return for our data. If you’re not familiar with “Bedazzled” you still might recognize the “made a deal with the Devil” dynamic and what your soul is really worth.

I admit that it never occurred to me that 50% of us rely on Facebook for news about the country and the planet, not just vacation videos. So if we thought that we were getting a free ride with our friends and family “pics & clicks” we were wrong.

There are any number health professionals suggesting that we find, no make, the time to unplug for a while every day. It might not be a bad idea to show the kids what it’s like to get an actual letter in the mail-no the other one-with a stamp and their name on it-and it can’t be hacked.