Less Painful Divorces

With just less than half of married partners ending in divorce, therapists over time have developed some suggestions for making the process possibly less painful for everyone.

You will see from these suggestions why PeaceTalks always makes sure a therapist is available for both parties for every session. You can see a thread with these ideas that reinforces the principle that this is between the two of you and nobody else.

It’s always a great thing when a couple gets helpful advice but one of the primary benefits of Divorce Mediation is the fact that you are in control.

Once the decision is made the announcement should be as simple, heartfelt, and brief as possible.

The reaction might seem to call for an explanation but it’s best to let things play out before getting into the “why’s” and “how’s” of your relationship and its new direction.

Unsolicited advice will be one of the first reactions you encounter and remember it’s not your job to justify your decisions or to act upon a loved one’s advice. You can always be grateful but non-committal as you navigate through the well intentioned and the misinformed.

Mediator Tips On Divorce Difficulties

There are a lot of commonalities with divorce and lessons from shared experiences can be extremely helpful when going through extremely stressful situations like divorce negotiations. Some great suggestions were offered by a mediation expert named Oran Kaufman in a series of articles for Mediate.com and I wanted to pass along these very cogent, and insightful pieces of advice to all, and to all a good night.

Give yourself all the time that you need, as hurried decisions are often bad decisions. Maybe you’re contemplating selling a house, buying a house, or which school will your children attend and so on. These are decisions the impact of which will be felt for a long time so take the time necessary to consider all the consequences.  Do your research. Consult with your lawyer, friends, accountants or anyone else who you trust to give you a rational perspective. 

 From the moment the decision is made to engage in mediation with PeaceTalks we start to help the couple form a plan that includes delineating all assets and the decision-based issues that require negotiation. Whenever necessary we provide access to a choice of legal, financial and emotional support professionals, all veterans of the divorce mediation process.

If you are already in court and you feel rushed by the court process, almost any judge I know will gladly give you more time and continue a pre-trial conference or status conference if the judge knows that you are actively engaged in mediation and the additional time will help reach an agreement.

The courts have been very supportive of the growing role that mediation is playing in settling divorce cases and we are very grateful for the cooperation that judges have extended to our clients, particularly this year with the crazy packed court calendars. If you get worried about making the December 31St deadline call the office for possible help with your filing.

Divorce is an anxiety producing process. It is particularly important during this process that you take care of yourself. By that I mean, take care of the basics: get sleep, eat, try and have some fun and exercise. All those things that are important when life is “normal” are doubly important when you are going through the stress of divorce.

PeaceTalks by location has nearby parks for walking, yoga, or just some quiet time before and/or after sitting down with us to get you closer to your settlement agreement. We also have health professionals for tips on diet and special types of exercise developed expressly for stress. All those things that are important when life is “normal” are doubly important when you are going through the stress of divorce.

Oran Kaufman runs Amherst Mediation Services in Amherst, MA and he is a former president of the Massachusetts Council on Family Mediation. www.amherstmediators.com

“Maverick” and “FL Madness”

Even people that did not agree with John McCain about public policy had to admire him for his service and for having the cajones to stand up to bullies.

If your kids are video game enthusiasts and seem in any way disturbed by the tragedy in Jacksonville don’t hesitate to stop and let them talk or ask questions. You may not have enough answers and be looking for resources.  Whether you are co-parenting or not this is something that needs attention.

I came across a really clear and concise encapsulation of the “gun problem” in our country today. It might come in handy for your older kids but the younger ones will need as much attention as any and all “parental units” can provide. This is, of course, the first shooting “Live Streamed”to be seen and heard by anyone with the proper access.  How many kids were watching isn’t known yet. Here’s the link and a few facts:

America can prevent shootings like Jacksonville.
But it must come to terms with its gun problem.

By German Lopez
@germanrlopez | german.lopez@vox.com |  Aug 27, 2018, 10:40am EDT

“The research, compiled by the Harvard School of Public Health’s Injury Control Research Center, is pretty clear: After controlling for variables such as socioeconomic factors and other crime, places with more guns have more gun deaths. Researchers have found this to be true not just with homicides, but also with suicides (which in recent years were around 60 percent of US gun deaths), domestic violence, and even violence against police.

But as far as homicides go, people with mental illnesses are more likely to be victims, not perpetrators, of violence. And Michael Stone, a psychiatrist at Columbia University who maintains a database of mass shooters, wrote in a 2015 analysis that only 52 out of the 235 killers in the database, or about 22 percent, had mental illnesses. “The mentally ill should not bear the burden of being regarded as the ‘chief’ perpetrators of mass murder,” he concluded. Other research has backed this up.

None of that is to say that milder measures are useless. Connecticut’s law requiring handgun purchasers to first pass a background check and obtain a license, for example, was followed by a 40 percent drop in gun homicides and a 15 percent reduction in handgun suicides.”

 If you’d like to contact people in the government to let them know how you feel here is a link:

https://www.usa.gov/elected-officials

 

Mental Health First Aid

by Stephanie Maloney

Mental Health First AidLiving by “The Venice Beach Boardwalk” for the past twenty years has provided my family many opportunities to experience a wide spectrum of residents and visitors. As co-parents, we’ve all had to try to explain to the kids why there are people sleeping on the sidewalks and in the bushes no matter whose house they are at. They even have street people in Beverly Hills.

Trying to explain how somebody’s Dad was stabbed in a restaurant in Ventura is something of an impossible task. I am at a complete loss for words when faced with the inevitable “How can this happen, Mom?”  A letter in the LA Times, from David Eckhouse of Long Beach, led me to an organization that might provide some hope for forming a proper response and a proactive conduit for change.

“Since the National Council brought Mental Health First Aid to the United States a decade ago, more than 1 million individuals have been trained – including everyone from police officers, teachers, and employers to former First Lady Michelle Obama, former Congressman Patrick Kennedy, NFL wide receiver Brandon Marshall and television personality Dr. Oz. Lady Gaga’s Born This Way Foundation partnered with the National Council to train 150,000 First Aiders.”

Eckhouse further explains, “Decompressing an agitated person and staving an assault is an often-performed task that provides a valuable community service”

This is exactly the kind of training that all responders should be given access to and our lawmakers should hear from us about making that happen.