Parkland Mom’s Valentine

Credit: https://alyssa.dearworld.org/In every family situation as soon as couples walk through the PeaceTalks door they want to know how to protect the children.

It’s always about the kids first and last when the word divorce becomes part of the conversation.The threat of becoming estranged fromorlosing a child can start a feeling of panic that has an effect on everybody in the family. So parents immediately take steps to diffuse those feelings and replace them with reassurancesthat through mutual cooperation and unquestioning support they will remain a family.

As I looked at some tributes on this first anniversary of the Parkland shootings I was struck by a letter from a mom who has led a movement that you might want to support when you look at your kids and imagine “Alyssa’s Law” actually helping to prevent even one death.

Here’s link to the letter from Alyssa’s mom on the anniversary of the last time she saw her daughter alive.

https://alyssa.dearworld.org

Co-Parenting Before and After Divorce

From the time that the emotional separation begins on the path to a divorce there will be transition period while still sharing the house and marking the beginning of the co-parenting puzzle maze.

Professionals reiterate that that with the right effort, on both parts, this transition can be smoother and less disruptive to the kids. Setting up and following the same mutually agreed upon guidelines that will eventually be in place after the divorce is finalized can help. Here are a few suggestions that have common threads from all advisors about making the co-parenting process a supportive one from the real start of the emotional separation through to a new life after the settlement.

The first signs of the end of a marriage unleash anger, anxiety and fear. This is normal, and these feelings will subside. In the meantime be good to yourself. Research suggests that people taking care of their own emotional needs have an easier time managing the day-to-day difficulties of divorce.

It’s not a battle. Divorce mediation is often a better alternative to litigation and spending time in court. Research shows that mediation can be beneficial for emotional satisfaction, spousal relationships and children’s needs.

Talking with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse may be the last thing you want to do, but communication makes divorce healthier and easier for everyone involved. Wait until you’re feeling calm and write down the points you want to discuss. Use the list as your guide. It helps take the emotion out of face-to-face confrontations. . We suggest listening and presenting requests for the future instead of trying to find the blame or what went wrong in the relationship.

Parents can ease the child’s transition by keeping conflict away from the kids. Parental conflict increases the risk of psychological problems for kids. Come up with a mutually agreed upon plan and present it to the children together and keep the lines of communication open. Kids benefit from having conversations about the changes their family is experiencing.Kids also do better when they maintain close contact with both parents.

Tap into your support network, turning to family and friends for assistance and comfort.

Formal support groups can also help you cope with the many emotions of a marriage ending.

You may benefit from speaking to a psychologist to help deal with their emotions and adjust to the changes. Psychologists can also help you think carefully about what went wrong in your marriage so you can heal and avoid repeating any negative patterns in your next relationship.

If you think it’s time to talk to someone please contact my office and we’ll explore your options.

Kanye West’s Crazy World

Kanye West. Photo courtesy NBC

Hear Ye Hear Ye, but don’t believe “Ye”, as Mr. West now wants to be called by his fans, some of whom might be your kids. The untelevised pro-Trump rant, while wearing a red MAGA hat, will eventually be seen and heard and should be put into some sort of context. Whether single or co-parenting the dirty work of explainingunusual behavior by popular icons has to be done without foisting an opinion on anyone. Kids need to draw their own conclusions, and should, as long as they have factual material as an information source.

This is not about censorship. Even if you don’t agree with someone, it’s ok, as long as the disagreement is based in reality and not in “Reality TV”. Speaking of which, it will be interesting to see if Kim (Mrs. “Ye”) Kardashian, will be morebothered by being “Trumped” than she was while watching the show. Is this first celebrity Trump-related divorce in the making-who knows but is someone is designing aMake America Grope Again” hat?

This could be a rare opportunity for some effort to go towards an actual common goal, as impossible as that can be for some separated families. We stay away from politics for very good reasons but right now our futures seem to dictate that we stay clear on what we really want for our kids, and do whatever is possible.

Click here for a link to an article from the Washington Post by Amy D. Wang

More Sleep, Less Screen for Kids

I don’t know how to get the kids more sleep but this letter certainly presents a solid case for making it a cooperative priority whenever physically possible.

This response to an LA Times editorial about adjusting school start times to favor the biorhythms of students made a strong case but will face enormous resistance from the establishment.

I’ve added a link to getting a library card as most health professionals suggest avoiding electronic screens for thirty minutes or so prior to sleeping.

Get your library card here

To the editor: Your editorial, “It’s too early to move all California middle and high schools to a later start,” ignored the overwhelming body of research showing the definitive benefits of more sleep for students — something researchers have known for more than 25 years, much of which has been reported in the Los Angeles Times dating back at least to 1997.

Furthermore, the editorial contradicts itself, stating, on one hand, that “better sleep for teenagers is associated with improved mood, higher academic achievement and reduced rates of drinking and drug use,” while also claiming the research does not make a convincing case for delaying California’s middle- and high-school start times.

Although we know from hundreds of different school districts that students and communities benefit when classes start at 8:30 a.m., adult interests have prevented most local districts from acting on this knowledge for a generation. That is why California’s SB 328 is a landmark piece of public health legislation. It empowers every district to start at times that align with the biological sleep shift in the adolescent brain, enabling all students across California’s socioeconomic divide to obtain more sleep and, as a result, stay in school, do better academically and live healthier, safer, more successful lives.

Amy R. Wolfson, Ph.D, Baltimore
Judith Owens, MD, Cambridge, Mass.
Rafael Pelayo, MD, Stanford, Calif.
Terra Ziporyn Snider, Ph.D, Severna Park, Md.

Wolfson is a professor of psychology at Loyola University Maryland, Owens is a professor of neurology and director of the Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders at Harvard, Pelayo is a clinical professor at the Stanford Center for Sleep Science and Medicine, and Terra Ziporyn Snider is executive director of the group Start School Later.

Read full article here

Some Co-Parenting Needs an Assist

One of the most frustrating constants we see in Divorce Mediation is that a surprising percentage of the children involved will have adjustment issues that will need to be addressed by a an outside specialist. It’s a difficult decision point to face as I can bear witness to in my own life.

Now matter how amiable the atmosphere may be, somekids are going to have a tough time with the divorce and its personal consequences.  These conflicts will continue so the tone that is set will be important in the years, and with the adjustments, to come as situations change.

The therapists I work with emphasize the importance of not hesitating to make a call, explore situational options, and talk to someone. It’s only through a dialogue that you will find the right person for your child and for you. Your insurance will dictate your institutional choices but there may be private avenues to explore that are accessible through personal connections.

If you’d like some suggestions for yourself or a friend contact my office about some associate referrals.

Divorced Dads and Poor Health

This recent article from Divorce Magazine caught my attention because it highlights a very real problem that plagues a significant percentage of divorces in general.

I have heard some long-time professionals suggest that some of the angst in the White House is related to post-divorce health problems on a multiple scale.

One of the primary reasons that we see for Divorce Mediation being effective is that cooperation towards a common goal is the driving dynamic.

Anything that reduces the frustration and the duration of the divorce process only serves to facilitate the recovery process.

Some couples, especially where the wife has handled healthcare coordination, continue to communicate to ensure Dad is “taking his medications”. Here are a few highlights and a link to the whole article.

Divorced Fathers Face Increased Health Risks Because of Divorce

By Joseph E. Cordell Updated: August 07,  2018

“Divorce is the second-most stressful life event behind only the death of a spouse or child. After experiencing so much anxiety, heartache, and general upheaval, your health is bound to suffer.”

“Research shows that divorce puts men at risk for a number of long-term health problems. Divorce increases the rate of early mortality for men by up to 250%. They also are more at-risk of developing cardiovascular disease, hypertension, depression, suicide, substance abuse, and cancer.” 

Men are less likely to go to the doctor for regular check-ups.

“For many reasons, it seems tougher for guys to get back on their feet after divorce than it is for women. Research shows that women might experience more emotional turmoil after a split, but men have more difficulty recovering.

Swing Shift

It’s tough enough to be a parent without having to try to explain to the kids what we’re seeing in the news on a daily basis.

A lot of the families that walk through my door have never experienced a political dark cloud like Watergate so there’s no frame of reference for the stonewalling and blind submission currently on display in Washington.

The people I talk to echo the general mantra of wanting to do something positive but their choices are limited, as is the case with the majority of the population.

There is an organization “Swing Left” that supports many different types of action movements and encourages people to create their own.

There’s a link below to their website where you can explore options to help fight that feeling of powerlessness that we all endure.

https://swingleft.org/take-action

“Free-Range” Parenting

by Stephanie Maloney

“Free-Range” Parenting - Divorce Mediation - Sherman Oaks, CAIt seems that childcare and its “do’s and “don’ts” keeps coming up as one of the most emotional issues dividing couples that are co-parenting even with only one child in the mix.

I came across an article from the “First 5 California”* website that has some valuable viewpoints about this incredibly difficult and rather constant problem for a lot of divorced parents. *(First 5 California was created in November 1998 when California voters passed Proposition 10 to invest tobacco tax revenues in programs that would help improve the lives of children in California.)

“Recent headlines have prompted the question over what situations a child is considered independent enough to walk home unattended, play outdoors without supervision or be left alone in the home?”

“Free-range” parenting has been highlighted and criticized in recent months, due in part to, a Maryland couple recently cleared of neglect charges in one of two cases after allowing their 10-year-old and 6-year-old children to walk home unsupervised from a local park. 

On the flip side, a father in Tennessee used a drone to keep tabs on his 8-year-old daughter as she walked home by herself.

So, what is considered lenientor overprotectivewhen it comes to raising our children is a question to be openly discussed on a regular basis as they develop.

“We should also allow children the freedom to explore by teaching them to speak up(ensure your child can contact you or an adult at all times) and speak out -with respect and not defiance.”

This question about how much to be involved in parenting can often be a challenge when trying to co-parent. Parents can differ in their parenting style and want to impose it on the co-parent. Our advice is to balance the fight with what you are fighting for.

You can view the whole piece on their website: www.first5la.org/

Apps That Spy on Kids?

by Stephanie Maloney

Apps That Spy on Kids?I’m a technology fan but there are times when we have to pay close attention to “the little man behind the curtain.”

According to researchers, from UC Berkeley, the University of British Columbia and Stony Brook University, Nearly one in five of the most popular free children- and family-oriented apps in the Google Play store improperly collects “identifiers or other personally identifiable information”

The study, which analyzed 5,855 apps, found that 281 — or about 5 percent — collect contact or location data without first seeking parent approval and the apps could be violating 1999’s Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act or COPPA.

“This study has just given the FTC hundreds of companies that they could be going after right now,” said Josh Golin, executive director of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood

“I think that if there was better and more regular enforcement, that it could change the industry,” added.

Twenty-eight percent of the apps studied bypassed Android permissions to access “sensitive data,” the study found, while 73 percent of the apps in question collected “sensitive data.” The worst offenders were apps that collected users’ geolocation information.

“Geolocation data not only reveals where individuals live, but could also enable inferences about their socioeconomic classes, everyday habits, and health conditions, among others,” the study reads.

Golin said he hopes the research spurs parents to think twice before downloading apps for kids.

The study comes a week after a group of privacy and children’s advocacy groups, including the CCFC, filed an FTC complaint against YouTube, arguing that Google’s video platform was illegally collecting personal data from children.

Google, in a statement, said it takes the study seriously.